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What would you do?

iqrt's picture

My SO and I have been dating for over 3 years. We have one child together who is almost 18 months. We are not married, but have been living together for most of the 3 years.

He has a 5yo daughter from a previous marriage. The BM is a total psycho bitch, to put it nicely. My SO recently got a new job which does not accommodate our current visitation schedule. He has requested a visitation change to work with his new work schedule. But BM won't budge. She says it would be too disruptive to the 5yo's schedule, and she thinks the 5yo would start acting out in school again. (She does anyway.. ALL THE TIME, so it wouldn't be anything new.)

We are in the beginning stages of trying to take it to court, which will probably take about 6 months to get sorted out. (I asked him to start this process in November, as of today, he's gotten so far as filling out part of the paperwork. He hasn't actually filed it yet, although I suspect he will do that sometime next week.)

In the meantime, we ordinarily have her every other weekend from 5pm Friday, to 6pm Sunday. He works Friday night and leaves the house around 7pm and doesn't get back until 9:30am Saturday morning. He has Saturday/Sunday/Monday/Tuesdays off, so we were trying to switch visitation to Sat 10am - Mon 11am, and that way he'd have the chance to take her to school, since she's in PM kindergarten.

I'll be honest, I don't care for his other daughter. She's a brat. I'm sure she learns this from her mother, but all the same, I don't enjoy spending time with the little darling. I think he should take her home Friday night when he leaves for work, and ask to pick her up again Saturday morning when he gets off work. If she doesn't agree to let him pick her up again on Saturday morning, then she'll look like an asshole when it does get to court. He would like me to do the bedtime routine for both kids, and get them both up in the morning. Bed time for 18 month old is 7pm, and I put the 5yo to bed at 8pm, even though she complains because her mom lets her stay up until 10. I, myself, go to bed around 8pm because I require a lot of sleep. My 18 month old will sleep in until 8:30am, the 5yo wakes up at 5-6am and demands breakfast be served to her immediately. (Mostly because she's hungry because she refused dinner the night before..) Incessant complaining ensues until someone complies with her request.

Am I supposed to feel obligated to do this? Or should I stand my ground and say HELLS to the no. Not my child, not my visitation.

sarahmay's picture

I feel for you ... I got hooked into the pick up and drop off at one stage ....

Say hells no and this is the reason why ...... (and I speak from experience)
If this bitch of a woman is capable of causing this grief over something so simple which can be worked out outside of court etc, then she will be capable of messing you around, having you wait around for her. Baiting you on collection etc... You leave yourself open to her bad behaviours etc without protection of yourself....

Good luck and ps: I feel for you and the brat that is put upon you xoxoxo

iqrt's picture

I did pick ups for a while. It was a nightmare. They would "forget" it was visitation day ALL THE TIME and either she would still be in daycare while BM was at home napping, or she'd be in the middle of a bath, or they wouldn't be home at all, or whatever and I would have to stand outside for 30 minutes while they figured their shit out. I finally said I wasn't doing it anymore because I was 5 months pregnant at the time and felt sick constantly, the last thing I needed was to be standing outside waiting in the cold.

I've been watching her on my own since November for a lot of the visitations and I hate it. She doesn't listen to anybody, she blames everything on my daughter. A couple weeks ago, she said my 18 month old punched her in the face and she insisted that she needed to go to the hospital to get checked out and her sister should get a very long time out. Mind you, my 18 month old is a preemie, and has motor delays and couldn't punch anything to save her life, not to mention, she weighs all of 13 lbs. So. Really.

Anyway, if the paperwork would have been started when I asked him to, this would be practically done already. Instead, it's just starting, and I'm supposed to pick up the slack.

sarahmay's picture

They always take forever to get on with the Paperwork .... we haven't received child support for years and SHE jsut bought a brand new car..... I can't even afford a service for my car, and I look after her shitty son day in and day out....

My BIG ADVICE TO YOU IS...... Don't do anything that will conveninece her and inconvenience you......

GizmoBarnOwl's picture

Hmm I'd just say, seeing as hes not getting to spend time with his daughter due to work, and she is at your house primarily to spend time with her dad, you cannot have her until it goes through court and is sorted. It is not fair on you to have her all the time, that is not what she is there for. Occationally, yeah, sure if hes going to be late or whatever, thats not a problem, watch the little brat. But most of the time? NOT ON.

Also, if you stop helping, and he doesnt get to see his child, then it might force him to get the papers sorted. If he doesnt make the effort to see her, then its not your problem, it is his choice.

borrowedtime83's picture

I would say no, you are not obligated, as it is not your child.It is unfair that for any minor change you have to go through the court system and wait for a result, but this is how it is handled in this day and age. Is there (dare I say this...) a grandparent or other family member on your husband's side that might want to volunteer to have a "sleepover" with her,since they don't get to see her too often? And he could maybe pick her up from said relative Sat. and have visitation until you can get back in court. I know how you feel, the few times I have grudgingly been talked into having the skid along with my own for even a few hours was so emotionally and physically exhausting. Good luck!

iqrt's picture

UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHH.

BM doesn't want to take her kid back.

Seriously, shouldn't the mother of this child jump at the chance to spend more time with her?