Who should come first? Spouse or kids?
I have always firmly believed that kids should come first because they need their parents the most. However, my new husband firmly believes that the spouse should come first and kids second. I have done a lot of research and much to my dismay, I find that he may be right. It is in my nature to always put my kids first, especially in a divorce situation. So we MAJORLY struggle. We have talked many times about living separately so I can raise my kids how I want and we can still see each other when I don't have my kids. At first, I thought the idea was preposterous but we fought so much I actually warmed to the idea. However, we just found out I'm pregnant. Neither of us want to live separate having a child of our own. Especially me, since I know I will bear the brunt of the child rearing due to my husband's work schedule.
So as I consider working really hard to put my husband first in front of my kids, one topic really has me shaken. We currently live in the city that I was living in with my ex and raising my kids when I met my current husband. At the time, he lived over an hour away. Then he moved into my house before we were married. Once we were married, we bought a new house in the same town. The problem is, I want to stay in this town because my kids go to school here (have all their lives) and it's a GREAT school system. It's also their community. My husband's kids are younger and live with their mother over an hour away. We only get his kids every other weekend, where I have mine 50/50 with my ex. My husband also travels over an hour to work due to our location and it is hard on him. He also doesn't like being that far from his kids. Since he is the breadwinner, he feels like he is making major sacrifices for me and my kids. I agree that he is and appreciate it but we MAJORLY struggle with this. He would like to move somewhere in between my ex and his kids. The problem is there are no decent towns in between and I would have to move my kids out of their schools and community. ALSO, I would need to quit my job as it would just be too far to be economically feasible. I LOVE my job, the flexibility I am afforded and will eventually pay for my children's college education if I'm still there at that time.
Thoughts? Do I make my husband happy and move closer to his kids and his work and sacrifice my kids school/friends/activities/etc and give up my job? Or do I keep putting my foot down and keep being miserable because he is?
I appreciate your input.
That's a tough one. I think
That's a tough one. I think you should put your husband first under most circumstances because in 10-20 years he will be the one you're still living with. However to uproot kids and move them out of school district becomes an issue for all of you because it also affects your kids father. Not to mention if you have to quit your job how does that affect the family financially. I don't have any concrete solution but I do think maybe sitting with your husband and going over the pros and cons and compromising between them. If you have to quit your job is it feasible for you to drive the kids to school or would you have to find other employment?
I would definitely have to
I would definitely have to find other employment. I also would likely have to change my schedule with my kids. I wouldn't be able to see them as much
We have been battling about this our entire relationship. We have discussed at length the pros and cons which is why we are still here, I guess. I just wish he could just accept the situation and us all try to live happily. Unfortunately, he gets so frustrated so often that we all become miserable. We all walk on eggshells around each other. It's not a good situation.
Two separate issues
Two separate issues IMHO.
First, I completely agree with your DH. The Spouses and marriage at the heart of the family, blended or otherwise, must be the single, only, and unequivocal priority over everything including the kids regardless of their biology. Artificially prioritizing kids over spouse does even the kids a disservice. Kids benefit from the strong marriage at the heart of the marriage but they are second to it and not a party to it.
Kids are the top responsibility within the marriage, also regardless of biology, but the marriage must be the single and highest priority for both partners. I would not be in any other type of marriage.
That was not the case in my first marriage but it is most definitely is in my 20+ marriage to my amazing and beautiful bride. Never again will any marriage I am in be less than the top priority for both of us.
As for the other issue ... where to live and why .... IMHO you have your kids 50/50 and DH has EOWE visitation. An hour commute is not unreasonable. Because you have 50/50 where you and DH live has a far greater impact on your kids than it does on the EOWE situation with his kids. Stay living where you are.
What truly shocks me is that you are even remotely willing to give up your marriage or living with your husband because your DH wants the marriage to be his priority and yours. Kids who's parents do not model healthy relationships and who put the kids over their spouse grow up to be serially married because they do not prioritize their own spouses in their lives.
Keep that in mind.
I'm kind of in a similar
I'm kind of in a similar situation, except it's my bf whose son has been in the same school system and lived in the same house since he was born. God forbid anything should change that.
I live in a city, with other well sought out towns on the outskirts with the "good schools." Let me tell you about the difference between a good school and a bad school. There is not much difference. A good kid from a good family, will perform well in both and learn in both. They will gravitate to the good students and form their own community within the school, and they will be the ones who bring up the test scores. The only difference is that the "bad" schools have more lower socio-economic students, which tend to bring down scores. That's it. There is bullying in both, there are drugs in both, and there are bad teachers in both. (Which is why I homeschool, but that's another topic...)
I don't agree that an hour commute is not bad. It sux. If it were me, I would probably move. But then again, I have moved about every 3 years. Once halfway across the country to a small town, then twice within that town (because of divorce/then bought a house), and then an hour away to the larger city we are in now (and bought a house again, so moved after renting for a few years). My kids are 12/13 and I plan on staying put until they graduate so that this is "their" home. Five years ago, I couldn't have imagined leaving the town we were in. And then things changed and now we are WAY better off. Don't be so rigid about things and be open to new beginnings. I grew up in the same house from age 3 til graduation, and I have nothing to show for it. Sure, I had the same friends forever, but many moved away. And I don't still hang out with any of them. I only converse with them at all because of facebook.
I'm not the best person to offer advice seeing that I'm dealing with the same thing. But I can tell you it feels horrible being put second to a child, especially when it's something that, if changed, won't make much of a difference to the child in the grand scheme of things, but would make my day/life way better.
Your spouse already sits in
Your spouse already sits in the top ranking seat of authority in your marriage...you just need to acknowledge and respect his position...You are both one..teach your children to respect the family structure...or you may end up reaping what you sow...If your children witness you undermining his position...they will do the same....(just take a gander at the other categories on this site...it is riddled with step kids who are confused about their position in the family...the entitlement and manipulation that stem from that one misconception is devastating to families)....
as for the other issues? Try to get alone with your spouse and talk it through...just the two of you with no interruptions...instead of going right to the obvious conclusion...why not try to get creative with each other to figure out how you could possibly make this work...will there be compromise? Of course...Marriage is the art of compromise...look at the long term effect it will have on your family...not just the short term issues. Kids in school? kids find a new school...it happens all the time...weigh how important each issue is (and do not give everything a 10)...you get to choose how big you want this to be in your relationship...it can be a 10, or it can be a 3...you choose...
,,,compared to being homeless and not knowing where you next meal is coming from while trying to exist in 20 below temperatures every day...it doesn't seem so bad...(I am not trying to belittle your quandary...Just try to put it in perspective so everything doesn't seem like it's in crisis mode)....
Just make sure that you are both in agreement whatever you decide...The principal of agreement will save you a lot of grief and backlash from each other in the future...The kids need to see their parents together...It helps them feel more secure...and if they have already experienced the trauma of a broken family..they will have a bigger need for security...
If you find yourself at a roadblock...the help of a good counselor to get you through the tough issues might benefit you....it may be time to cross that threshold...instead of giving up...
Why didn't you square all
Why didn't you square all this away before getting married and having another child. As a mom, I would not uproot my kids, move them away from their father and leave a job I love just to please my new husband.
As a step parent, I wouldn't be willing to live that far from my bio kids in order for my SKs to stay put.
Save your marriage. Spouses
Save your marriage. Spouses first with out making your children feel insignificant. Be straight with your kids, if they are old enough to understand, you need to put your spouse first in some occasions. Kids will take advantage of you and pull you in their direction all the time if you let them. They like to test your loyalty 24/7. That is not fair. (i think)
I believe, husbands come
I believe, husbands come first in the husband spot, and kids come first in the kids spot. Husbands and kids have very different needs. So why can't they both "come first"? I am more partial to "Family First". Decisions made based on what is best for the entire family. That is how we run our house and it works pretty well actually.
I can tell you that me and my
I can tell you that me and my ex have 49/51. I moved an hour and half away because the property was given to us by my new husbands parents, which made our mortgage less. I have to do all the driving to get my kids because the court says, you moved, it was your decision.
Plus if OP has them one week and the ex has them the next, she would have to drive them to school and miss work to do that, plus pick them up, missing work to do that.
I make my situation work because I have flexibility to drop my kids off at school and then go to work but not every job will allow that, actually most dont.
I am of the belief that
I am of the belief that children should always be the primary responsibility but that the spouse/SO should be the priority. I won't comment on what you should do as only you know your situation best. What I do find curious is why is it "much to your dismay" that your husband's opinion tends to side with the opinion from the relationship experts out there?