Witch one is manipulating or is it both SD-10 BM
I have started to notice odd behavior in my SD. She has always tried to be the boss to the other kids and we have let her know that's not allowed however.
She's will definitely try to mark her Territory with my DH and I let her have it sometimes and others when she's crossing a boundary I don't allow her to walk over me.
she's always been amazing and sweet. She's very smart. Anyhow a few weeks back her mom called and said Lil SD says she doesn't want to be there cause she's made to take care of the boys. Also says I yell at her and she don't want to be here. Unless it's on the weekends. The boys 1 SS , 1BS 8-9 years old.
my DH doesn't think she would say this and is BM saying this. DH talks to boys and they tell the truth about when we are home. Then he talks to SD she says she didn't say these things and that she wants to spend more time with me. That the boys get on her nerves. We had a good talk everything's going great. She goes to grandmas/ex-in-laws and has them take her home from what we are told. My DH was hurt it was still his week no one told him.
2 weeks later they are begging us to get out of the house. So we find a place to go swimming away from people considering we are in a pandemic. We ask her if that is ok with her and the boys they are super excited. We have a blast. Then get home the next day she talks about how much fun it was we should do it again. Next day we all are busy and they are going to visit ex-in-laws (grandparent) and she was great before she left. Then DH gets a call saying SD is uncomfortable cause y'all took her swimming and don't want to go back home. She leaves grandmas again without any notice and is right back at BM.
things I've noticed BM calls and SD disappears into bathroom or outside. BM complains about kids being around my family. Noticed SK tell on my BS a lot.
BM told SD her dad used to beat her and that's why she left and also neglected her as a baby. SD told me this. (We talked to her) she will be home tonight and I'm unsure what's even happening now. Is she lying about us or is her family manipulating her. We told her what's in our home stays here. That her mom and grandparents do not live here. We don't get into our life and they aren't to be in hour house business. She needs to problem solve with us. My DH is heartbroken. They use to be so close and it feels like she is slowly separating from us. What do y'all think is happening.
I would say majority of it is
I would say majority of it is probably BM filling her head. We have dealt with the same thing you are describing for years. SD has had a lot of issues over the years but BM was a major influencer. If BM was angry with my husband because he wouldn't switch his weekends or let her move with SD, we would notice SD acting funny towards us. Now BM has never made abuse accusations like your's has (that is awful no one should be accused of that) but she would tell SD that if my husband truly loved her he would be living with her full time and told her she was lucky she had a step dad who could be there since my husband wasn't (complete bull crap).
I definitely recommend that you and your family get a handle on it now. Counseling, therapy, court, just something. From experience it only gets worse as the child gets older. My husband tried to defend himself and keep the peace not to piss of BM and now at 14 SD has fully cut us and our entire family from her life. My husband and SD were incredibly close and then around 10 ish we noticed a gradual change. It was exactly like you described a slow separation from us.
This is what I’m scared of.
We are going to have a talk with her tonight.
Sounds like BM doesn't like
Sounds like BM doesn't like hearing that SD is enjoying being with you guys and doing fun stuff so instead she manipulates SD to feel like the life she is living with you guys is a misery. Not much advice I can offer because Spawn did the same this to us when she lived with Meth Mouth. Instead I just got where I wouldn't plan or do anything on her weekends, that way she had nothing to report and Meth Mouth had nothing to b*tch to DH about.
My sd’s disappeared and ended contact with their dad for 5.5 yrs
Me and hubby met and got married when sd’s were out of the picture and after 3.5 yrs of marriage, sd22.5 and sd13 re-initiated contact. Barely 3 visits in and they were mummying my kids, telling me what they would do no matter how inappropriate and i would in a long drawn out condescending NOOOOOOOOOOOOO which put them in their bloody place.
little bitches thought they could be the alpha female and make executive decisions regarding my toddlers. Hell to the eff no and hubby was promptly told that he’d lost his effin mind if he thought this behaviour would ever be acceptable!!
Late last year biatch # 1 (aka sd24.5) was told by daddy how she and her sister were out of line and my kids have 1 mum and thats me and i make the bulk of decisions since i primarily raise them and i know them the best and have their best interests at heart and hubby will always stand by my decisions so they are never to disrespect me again and think for a second they can make executive decisions
sd24.5 sure did play the innocent victim card “how i’m so sorry if i was inappropriate”, seriously?? You answered me back and continually did inappropriate things to my 2.5 yr old daughter even when told off and claim you didn’t know you did anything wrong. I called bullshit to hubby about his daughter. The result now is after being told off she is nothing but his daughter and not the alpha female, sd’s are back to no contact unless they need favours and money
Sounds like what we went
Sounds like what we went through when SD was alienated. She would come over and seem to be having a great time but then complain to BM that we were awful when she returned home. BM would tell us that SD didn't want to see us and that she didn't feel comfortable talking to us about it. This started for us around 9-10 years old and at 13 SD cut off contact and stopped coming over completely. She's now 18 and still very limited contact.
If you haven't heard of it before research parental alienation. Unfortunately there isn't an easy way to "win" or resolve it and most courts and therapists don't recognize it.
And to answer the question in
And to answer the question in your title it's both. BM likes to hear bad stuff about what happens in your house and SD tells her what she wants to hear because it gets her empathy and a positive response from BM.
I 100% agree it is both. DH
I 100% agree it is both. DH had the hardest time realizing that SD10 plays both sides. She would also come to our house and seem like she had fun. The second she went back to BM, she would be texting about how SD is "sooo upset" with us. Yes, BMs fill SD heads... but SK also engage in the process with their moms. SD likes gaining sympathy, even negative attention and "pleasing" her mom. Even though her way of pleasing is just bashing us. BM loves it because I think it makes her feel that she has a stronger relationship with SD, by bringing our relationships down.
We have had talks with SD about how the things she tells her mom need to truthful and not exaggerated. However, it's just not her personality. SD has a dramatic "all or nothing" approach. When she talks about others it's usually "______ ALWAYS does this..." or "______ NEVER does that" ... when we might have done it ONCE. SD perception is very skewed, but it's also an issue that BM believes every single thing her daughter says without questioning her. What she says is the gospel to her. DH has realized over time, that it's just not true of his child. It's a sad realization, but definitely needs to be discussed.
We have no problem with SD favoring her mom or having a strong relationship with her... just not damaging our relationships or bringing US down in the process would be appreciated
Also, look for small comments
Also, look for small comments from your SD that can be signs of PAS. Phrases that a 10 year old would never come up with, but you can tell she's probably heard from BM.
For example, when we went on a beach vacay, DH and I were looking and beach house prices... we talked about when we retire maybe moving from the big city to the beach. SD over heard and jumped to conclusions (thinking we were talking about moving tomorrow or something). She flipped out and said "But my Mom needs me more than you guys do. You have each other and wouldn't care if I wasn't here. " Um, WHAT? Where did that come from? Obviously from a conversation she has with BM, probably brainwashing her that DH and I don't care about her.
SMH