Advice please
Hello 
I'm new here. I will save you from reading a long history but basically, I am a 38 yr old BM to a 19 month old, 9 yr old, 14 yr old & 17 yr old. I also have 2 wonderful step children ages 10 & 12.
My question is this: My DH and his kids BM both go to doctor visits for the kids. My SS (who is 12) has a physical coming up and truth be known I am not thrilled about this happening. He is perfectly healthy with no other issues to address so I am feeling like it's overkill because he is 12 not 4. .
My exhusband is a wonderful and very involved dad but he has never had the need to attend dr/dentist appts etc.
I am fine with public events etc..but these more intimate settings when I am excluded (even though I handle a lot of my SS care) is honestly hurtful.
Should I express this to my DH?
I think that having just one parent go with him or switching off would be optimal. DH doesn't care what involvement I have with my children's BD so he's definitely not as understanding when it comes to things like this...
I am only 4 mos into this stepmom role and it is tough! My DH has made it quite clear that his kids come first and that I will never be "family" like the kids BM is. I try to meet everyone's needs, keep everyone happy and put my DH first.
My DH has made it quite clear
My DH has made it quite clear that his kids come first and that I will never be "family" like the kids BM is.
Did he tell you this before you married him? Because, quite frankly, I wouldn't marry somebody who said this to me.
I get wanting to be there for his kids, but the fact is, he and BM are divorced and are not family anymore. This seems a little more than just co-parenting.
I don't remember BOTH of my parents taking me to doctors/dentist appointments when I was an adolescent, and they were marred.
I always wonder why people who want to stay so entangled with the ex even bother to re-marry.
I think you should tell your DH how you feel but I'm not sure how much good it will do.
My DH has made it quite clear
My DH has made it quite clear that his kids come first and that I will never be "family" like the kids BM is.
Wow, that is a bad way of putting it. I would take exception to that. My wife and I are "family" with my two son's, her two son's, and her brother and sister. My ex is my sons' mom. There will be things that my ex and I must do together, but she is NOT my family.
I think you and DH need to have a serious talk that probably should have happened WAY before now.
I had no problem with the
I had no problem with the doctor visits but then you came out with that doozy at the end. You're not family and his kids (and their bm) "come first."
Nooooooooooooooo! Primal scream!!!!
I assume you aren't wanting to bail just yet so drag him to a marriage counselor. Not optional. In that setting tell him you are dumbfounded that he said that. Tell him that's not your idea of marriage especially since you took a vow to "forsake all others" or whatever similar language you had in your ceremony. Tell him the law considers you and him family now. The law does not consider his ex your family. So what is his problem? He is clearly out of sync. Call him out. Why did he marry you if he was already "married" to another woman? Are you the maid? What?
Hopefully with a good counselor in the room this discussion can bring him to an epiphany.
If not, it will bring his heinous thoughts and frauds out into the open and then you can walk away.
Nice to know that you're not
Nice to know that you're not really family. Just the unpaid maid, nanny and prostitute. *SMH* How do these guys ever get remarried :?
I will never be "family" like
I will never be "family" like the kids BM is.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I need to know a few things before I try to help....
When did he say this?
How long have they been apart?
Is the 19 month old his child?
You're not family? ! Wth did
You're not family? ! Wth did he get divorced in the first place? I couldn't sleep with any man that said that to me.
Yes, sounds bad. I have to
Yes, sounds bad. I have to ask, though. Are you married? Sometimes that does come up on these forums where a fairly new SO will act like they are married and refer to their partner as DH, etc. That little slip of paper, as some like to refer to it as, does make a difference, especially in step- situations. Think about it. . . Dad is out the door. Now it is a year or so later and he is living with another woman, and she has no connection or authority other than just being in dads house all the time. This woman could be gone tomorrow, literally. It also goes the other way, in reference to mom having some guy hanging out at her house. Kids don't want to be involved in that. Just dating is different, because kids do still feel like it is just them and dad or just them and mom and mom or dad see this other person on the side. If you are husband and wife, OR if you have been SOs for quite some time, HUGE difference in living together in my eyes. You are married, you are dad's wife, it is your home too, you are in for the long-haul, it is all legit., etc. Are you sure you are not just a babysitter with side benefits for dad to these kids? Hate to be tough, but better to hear it now than a year or two from now whem 1-2 more kids might be involved, either from you or from some kind of "oops" moment with BM (which I'm sure you'll forgive him for?). It sure sounds to me like DH and BM are still married. If not legally, then they are sure acting that way and might as well be.
Your DH has written you off.
Your DH has written you off. It is clear. "My DH has made it quite clear that his kids come first and that I will never be "family" like the kids BM is."
When DH and his XW go for SS's physical call the locksmith, rekey the locks, and tell him that he and his spawn are gone. Never again tolerate a partner who prioritizes his X and spawn over you.
Ever.
Grow some lady balls, value yourself as you should be valued, and do not tolerate a partner who does not value you as much as you should be valued as his bride.
Grrrrr! This asshold pisses me off. This prick is a write off. Write him off. And if your 19mo old is his too ... nail his ass to the CS wall and make sure to petition for more every two years for the next 20ish years.