Anger from lack of structure
I recently ended employment where I worked from 5am-1pm. During that time, I was adamant that the kids went to bed by 9:00pm so that I had 30mins to myself or between hubby and I before I went to bed. Often, I would go to bed before everyone in the home, with no knowledge of how long they were up. Now, I work a contract position where I don't leave the home until 10am. Even still, I find myself becoming angered to the point of headache when the kids (6 & 9, Fs) are still awake after 10:00pm. One daughter, 6yrs, goes up and down the stairs hourly for snacks and drinks up until 1am! I find myself becoming enraged in my head and snappy towards the kids and my husband. I was raised with more structure than this, but my husband was raised with "no rules". He agrees on a bedtime with me, but then makes excuses for them when they stay up later. Any advice on how to avoid being a role b**** at night while compromising on structure? Part of the issue also comes from lack of structure in the BM's household 3 nights per week and being spoiled by grandparents on weekends.
Oh come on.
Oh come on. A 6 year old up until 1 am? What kind of idiot thinks that is OK? If Mr. No Rules is fine with this at 6, I shudder to think of what is going to be perfectly fine at 16. That they can do what they like in the other household is no excuse. There are different rules in school, daycare, church, and other places. They are perfectly capable of conforming behavior to expectations when they are clearly set out. Your DH needs to get ahold of his parental authority and use it.
Of course it's ridiculous and
Of course it's ridiculous and I don't know how he expects his kids to become functional adults, but: Not your monkeys, not your circus. If she doesn't wake you up on her nightly foraging trips, then let it be. Obviously DH doesn't care to set rules on his kids. Go to your bedroom and lock your door to get some alone time.
If she does wake you up on her nightly snack runs, then go out there and tell her so yourself. And refuse to replenish the snacks, DH can take care of that.
But I'd have a hard time respecting him long-term. This is neglect.
Unfortunately, I think I will
Unfortunately, I think I will be the strictest parent they have, which leads me to think that I will become the "wicked" step-mother after all. My mother raised two girls, and I know how challening the teen yrs can get with girls who WERE raised with structure. I keep telling DH and grandparents that what they let slide now will become a larger issue later, but they seem to feel that I'm exagerating. The kids are mostly well-behaved, but do not have a solid bed routine, no solid chores, and have already begun to try to ask another parent (i.e. DH if I say no, grandparents if DH says no, etc.) for the things/privileges that they want in a manipulating way. I am trying to catch problems before they become major issues, and feel like I'm the only one with glasses on here! Plus, selfishly, I spend all day working and helping with the girls...night-time is my time.
Yes, you will be wicked
Yes, you will be wicked stepmother for sure, and why not? If both their bio parents think "no rules" is just fine, why wouldn't they hate you for having rules? It only makes sense. So you will have to decide if you are willing to own that, and live with that, as your choice.
I know that the goal of
I know that the goal of parenting is long-term success of the child and ability for the child to function independently in this world. That being said, I'm ok with being the "bad guy" or the wicked stepmother, if that means they will learn some structure and get needed rest. DH worries about my snappy tone at night and has talked to me about not being "mean". I never curse or raise my voice at the kids, but I can cut off their sentences and speak in a "mommy" tone (hard to describe online, voice gets deeper and words get more prescise) when I'm peeved.
Little kids will accept any
Little kids will accept any adult's authority - but be prepared that when they are 12+, they may refuse to come over because your house has rules and BM's doesn't. So if DH isn't on board with the rules you set, he will blame you for their refusal to come over.
I have talked to him about BM
I have talked to him about BM's home becoming the "fun" house when they are teens, and possible consequences of that. DH believes the girls will have no interest in misbehaving/deliquency as he didn't when he was a teen (and had no curfew). I keep reminding him that we are dealing with girls, and girls that are half raised by someone else. I don't want to assume that they will be delinquents but want to try to avoid as much future teen drama as possible. I have invested in helping the girls find activities that they can get passionate about in hopes that their own drive will discpline them during those years.
It's not that they will be
It's not that they will be delinquents - but if BM allows them to stay up late and do whatever they want, of course they will gravitate over there. If you have a bedtime and BM doesn't, if you put limits on phones and BM doesn't, if you demand homework completion and BM doesn't - what teen wouldn't choose to live there?
My SS19 has a very permissive BM, and he stopped coming over at 15. She allowed him to stay up all night gaming, not do his homework, etc. He didn't become a delinquent, but he has become a video game addict who barely graduated from high school and has no adult living skills.
When didn’t this kid sleep
If she up at 1 am what time does she gets up in the morning ?? Get her up at 7;AM and don’t let her nap during the day time. She has to be napping big time to be staying up the night.
Luckily, she actually gets up
Luckily, she actually gets up around 9:00am on most days. If she's not up, I wake her up and tell her that she should have went to bed..smh.
Sleeping past 9 a.m. is not
Sleeping past 9 a.m. is not normal for a kid her age. How does she get up for school?!
Ah the memories!
Ah the memories!
OP I have the same issue with my DH. He was raised with no structure so he thinks that's the only way, even though I was raised differently but that doesn't count because I don't have kids...uh-huh.
I had issues with bed time as well as I have to get up early. I tried ignoring it. Nope. I tried asking DH nicely. Nope. So one night I couldn't take it anymore. I told DH if he didn't stop it right now then I would any way I wanted. AND that I would be sure that everyone was also up after I got up so everyone would know how I felt.
Never happened again. Someone said something in another post about consequences. That is s good way to think about it, esp with DH. He doesn't see the issue as a problem unless it's HIS problem!
Decide what you need and why you need it. Make it clear to your DH that it's a real thing, you are an adult with a job who provides for the household and you will assert yourself if he doesn't.
The best predictor of future
The best predictor of future performance is past behavior. You are in for a life of living hell with an idiot husband who raises ferral children.
Put your foot up everyone's assess, dictate structure apply escalating age appropriate consequences and give your DH clarity that is he is not man enough to parent that he will have to do as he is told just like the spawn will have to do what they are told.
How in the world can you tolerate this crap?