BM sabotaging relationship w/ SS
BM attempting to sabotage the relationship between my SS and I is really nothing new, she's been doing it since I first met him. She will tell him not to say he loves me, to be mean to me, not to sleep near me and etc. She is also teaching him to lie, for example, she's had a tablet that we purchased for him at her home. We asked if she could return it and she told us she lost it, SS comes home and mentions he played on his tablet while he was there, he then thought about what he said and switched his story and insisted that they couldn't find the tablet and that they had lost it. This is really unacceptable and the husband and I are at a loss as to what to do. We try to let him know that he can tell us the truth and that we will not be angry with him, we try not to question him unless it comes up in the conversation and this doesn't seem to be effective either, he is still lying. Also, husband and I agreed that we would no longer buy him toys unless he earned it or it's a special occasion (he is very spoiled and naughty) and every time BM sees him she will shower him with toys and $100+ outings to Chuck E Cheese. It is ruining all the work and progress we have worked so hard on. So I guess I have a few question; How do you guys deal with BM trying to sabotage the relationship between the step kids and you? Any tips on how to stop the step kids from lying since I am sure this happens often in blended families and any tips on co-parenting issues when the BM goes against all rules? Sorry for the essay I hope it makes sense and thank you for any advice!
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"Kids tend to choose the parent who makes them choose, because they know on some level that the other parent is more healthy and less likely to totally abandon them."
THIS should be framed.
You've just hit the nail on the head. It's not that "oh, she wants to be just like her whore bag mother" but rather she feels like she's got to be like her in order for her mother to not abandon her.
YES, there is absolutely personal responsibility as well. I'm not saying it's OK for kids to behave this way. But, yes, they ARE products of their parents for good or bad.
It's really typical in mine
It's really typical in mine and my husband's culture for children to sleep in the same bed as their parents, all my siblings did it with my parents when we were younger. BUT, husband and I just recently purchased a bed for SS and he is sleeping on his own now but in the same room. We are planning on transitioning him to his own room soon. The thing is though, that at BM's house he sleeps in the same bed with her and her boyfriend that both BM and SS have known for less than two months. This is the fourth guy since we filed in July.
And yes I know I can't do anything about what goes on at her house I guess I was asking what I should do when he comes back home. Do we take the toys away or do we let him keep it? Do we discipline him for lying or just let it go? We don't want to do the wrong thing and make the situation worse.
When my husband and I first
When my husband and I first moved in together my SS was used to sleeping in the bed with him. I did not feel right telling him that he had to kick his son out of the bed so that I could sleep in it and I also didn't think I needed a separate bed or room.
I also got caught by "she
I also got caught by "she told him not to sleep near me". What triggered that & under what circumstances would he be sleeping by you?
We can't make people do or say or not do or not say anything. They make their choices just like we make our own. Don't focus on what BM is doing or saying. You have no control over it.
What you should be focused on is what YOU are/are not doing & what YOU are/are not saying. BM wants to spend her life focused on a relationship that doesn't involve her? Cool. She's wasting her life. Don't do it.
It's true that actions speak louder than words. BM is showing SS that she is liar. This is something he will grow up knowing. Eventually he'll figure out that if she'll lie to others, she'll lie to him too. She's teaching him that she isn't trustworthy. She teaching him that he can get whatever he wants out of her...toys, treats, etc. That's what he will grow up expecting from her.
All the same, you & your DH continue to teach him that lying has consequences. Continue to teach him that he can't manipulate you to get what he wants. Continue to expect respect from him & you will get it.
You will find that he ends up treating you & your DH differently than he treats BM. We've come to know that while it feels hopeless & pointless to continue pushing it, it does pay off.
My SS is 21. In the 13 years I've known him, he hasn't said a cross word to me outside of probably the first 2 months. Of course, my DH made it clear that it would not be tolerated. He opens doors for me. If we're watching TV, he'll ask us if he can get us anything while he's up, etc.
To see/hear him interact with BM...even at 21, is hard to take sometimes. He really gets mean with her & it's hard not to correct him. DH used to correct him, but given the ass-face she's been with the kids, frankly they have every right to tell her how they feel about things.
Granted, there was a long time where we had no communication with them. They were alienated from us & have experienced a lot of shit with BM.
In the end, they've learned (the hard way) that we are trustworthy & we are kind. We haven't lied to them. We haven't tried to manipulate them. We've been honest (at times brutally honest) with them & while they didn't always like it, they've come to learn that they can take what we say & know that it's truth.
As far as the tablet, I think you need to just let it go & take it as a lesson learned. Don't send anything to BM's house that you ever expect to see again.
We are currently going
We are currently going through a custody battle so it is only a temporary order but my husband has full physical custody and him and BM share joint legal. She has visitation every other weekend from Friday at 6 p.m. to Sunday at 9 p.m. She also has two weekdays a week from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. She is not able to pick up SS from school because she failed to show up twice and SS was left waiting. SS is four years old.
You actually can have
You actually can have something put in the court order to the effect that neither parent will bad mouth the other parent or step-parents. If you had proof that she violated this, it could be a contempt of court charge (probably not worthy of a court case on it's own, but helpful if going back due to other things). It also makes people think twice, I think.
I would agree he shouldn't sleep anywhere near you, but that is something that bm should bring up with dh, not ss.
BUT don't take ss's word for things that bm said, it is common for kids to say "Mommy said..." She may or may not have (unless you have heard from her or someone else). (You can also have a line in CO regarding not sending messages through the kids or talking to kids about custody arrangements, etc)
As far as the relationship goes- be a good person and be kind to ss and he will learn to accept you as you are.
I am currently experiencing
I am currently experiencing this. BM has told SS7 and SD5 to not talk to me or even acknowledge me.
At first I tried to fight it and reason with her that the kids getting along with me is really for everyone to enjoy their visits every other weekend. she flew off the handle as usual and told my partner that she would not be spoken to like that ever again.
We share a 9 month old daughter so I decided after 3 yaers of trying to get close to these kids they still treat me like a stranger. I've bought gifts, done fun things with them etc and tried to get to know each child individually but I end up feeling like the EOW clown who smiles, talks etc with zero to little response from the kids.
This past weekend I disengaged. I went on with my weekend like the kids were not there and it felt good. I took my daughter out the whole day and felt so refreshed being away from the skids. They like playing with my daughter but if i approach or i pick her up the skids do a u-turn or they scurry away.
It's gotten to the point where I can't see how they can be close to my daughter if they hate me so much.
BUT...had a major argument with my partner because I took our daughter away and she couldn't play with her brother and sister...LOL. Like a give a rat's arse if my daughter misses on spenmding a day with her rude and spoilt siblings.