Discipline of step child
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I've been working on disengaging from my step daughter for at least half a year. Which means even the discipline is on my spouse. Which ultimately, works better for their dynamic. He is far too lax but he is responsible for her not growing up with learning this.
But what are your thoughts when she ruins or damages my items and he doesn't discipline her at all? Isn't that my opportunity to discipline her?
Thoughts?
Discipline? No. Give
Discipline? No. Give consequences to both her and your DH? Yes.
Example of the difference: let's say she is throwing a ball in the house, you tell DH to get her to stop, he doesn't, and she breaks a mirror.
Punishment would be you sending her to her room and grounding her. Not your place.
Consequence would be telling your DH he owes you for the cost of the mirror and telling him he is responsible for cleaning up the mess. If he doesn't pay you back or clean it up, then you have to decide from there how you want to proceed in the relationship.
While disengaging is meant to help preserve your sanity, it is also meant to provide you, and your DH, clarity. By disengaging, he SHOULD be able to better recognize the poor behaviors in his child and SHOULD step up more to correct it (or you are able to ignore it because it doesn't impact you, though that more applies with parenting concerns like grades). If you have disengaged and aren't shielding him from her poor behavior AND he continues to allow it even though it causes you harm, then the conclusion is that he doesn't respect you or your relationship.
Disengaging is a great tool, but it's not a magic wand that can fix everything. If he won't step up to make it right with you when SD damages your property (whether he punishes her or not is moot) then he simply doesn't respect you. Disengagement can't fix that.
You are spot on. And that
You are spot on. And that sounds like I will do exactly that next. If he wants to reprimanded like a child due his lack consequences toward her, then they'll both feel the wrath. And it 100% makes sense about respect toward me. Like damn, it's not that hard.
Exactly this. If anything in
Exactly this. If anything in the general house was broken by SDs, who ran wild and DID break things with no repurcussions, then DH replaced it and only DH. If he dragged his feet on doing so and thus effected how I did things in the house and then I had to replace it, then he reimbursed me for the item AND my time (roughtly a 20% surcharge on top of the item, I do the same thing for the housecleaner cost - he pays 20% more becuase he nor YSD really clean the shared spaces OR YSDs bathroom).
Currently YSDs bedroom closet is missing 1/2 of the closet door since shortly after I hired someone to have them fixed and re-installed in all the downstairs rooms, she literally broke it off the slider anchor - and even though DH and I both heard the crash and went down immediately she claimed "nothing happened." And DH LET HER GET AWAY WITH IT. So that closet door is now in our storage area and if/when we move HE alone is responsible for getting it fixed. She somehow also broke the cover plate to her lightswitch - god knows how - and she scotch taped it (sort of) back together. I told DH to take her to the hardware store and make sure she brings her cash with her and you two get it replaced. This was two years ago. It's still broken. So again, I leave it and DH has to deal with it down the line. NOW if it was in the shared space DH would have absolutely been responsible for it - see above $ hit. I cannot make him spend the time on it physically but I can certainly compensate myself for it. It may not be the best way but DH hates it but doesn't change and I won't be living with broken things like I was in the rental house before with them.
Hell yes!!! This is
Hell yes!!! This is absolutely awesome. I'm implementing this ASAP.
Hell yes!!! This is
Hell yes!!! This is absolutely awesome. I'm implementing this ASAP.
Hell yes!!! This is
Hell yes!!! This is absolutely awesome. I'm implementing this ASAP.
Equity life partners should be equity parents to any kids in
their marriage. Regardless of kid biology.
Parenting and disciplining a Skid should be no different than disciplining any other child in your home/marriage.
IMHO of course.
My husband and I have decided
My husband and I have decided it's best if he does it. Because he says I'm too hard on her smh
Likely because you have standards for Skid behavior.
And he does not.
I think some of it depends on
I think some of it depends on the kid's age.. and what expectations are.. what they know.. and whether there is a reasonable expectation that the kid should have known better etc.
I mean.. first of all.. being disengaged doesn't mean you sit there mum while the child starts juggling with your dead grandmother's china.... You certainly CAN say. "please put that down.. those are not toys".
If the child is particularly young and boisterous.. you also bear some amount of responsibility to ensure you haven't created "attractive nuisances".. have fragile items within a toddler's reach.. for example. Keep your posessions in space that the child doesn't have access to..
You also need to be on the same page with your DH about house rules.. like no eating anywhere but the dining table or kitchen table.. because that avoids the grape juice on the living room rug.. or pizza stains on your nice sofa. A rule in my house was no kids in our bed.. and they had to knock before coming in our room... permission only.
And.. again.. kids are going to mess things up.. just happens. I wouldn't expect to live in a home with white furniture and carpet.. with children.. it's not compatible decor.
But.. if the child has ruined something of yours.. your DH should replace it.. or make the child replace it.
I've definitely tried to put
I've definitely tried to put those things in place with her. It all feels uphill....
What they said
What they said - yes. Let DH suffer the consequences for skids actions. As I write this, I am staring at a baking sheet with garlic bread on it from Sunday, that still hasn't been cleaned up by DH or Skids. They just get up and leave everything on the table. I reminded DH today that there is still food on the table from Sunday's dinner, which I couldn't participate in because I was crying in my room after the skids screamed at me. Am I going to clean it up? Nope.
yeah, been there. I took to
yeah, been there. I took to cleaning things up when it got unbearable then getting rid of those items I cleaned from the kitchen. Sometimes they went to the thrift store and sometimes just into my little storage area so no one else could use them. I thought that if no one cares, they must not need them anyway. If I did have to use something I had stored, I'd just clean it right away and put it back out of other's reach.
I simply stopped cooking. If
I simply stopped cooking. If I do, I make sure it's something that only I like. No cooking = little to no dishes.
No you cant. I used to be
No you cant. I used to be left alone with them for hours when they were younger and terrible and I would have to discipline them and their moms and dad would get very angry at me. On top of that they would lie and claim they didnt do anything and i am crazy. In the end, i have a reputation of being crazy which I am not
I learned that nothing will be done or respected, so I have a storage in which i keep my items and a room that I lock up whenever they are here. I told my husband that i will always need a room for me personally since he takes up extra rooms with his kids. It bothers him as he wants to use the space but i told him he can use his kids space whenever they are gone...
Really encourage you to go minimalist and invest in locks and storage rooms if you can
Your home, your rules, you discipline if your DH refuses.
He can step up and get it done before you have to, or he can STFU and have your back.
My house, my rules. Violate the standards of behavior and performance required for kids in my home, suffer the chosequences you chose when you violated the standard.
Regardless of kid parental biology.
In the age of web cams, this is an easy problem to solve. That way the delusional Rose Colored Glasses wearing failed parent breeders have to see what their little pookies did and that the discipline was appropriate the infraction.
Keep in mind, that only in DE is corporal punishment applied by an adult acting enloco parentis illegal. Everywhere else, appropriate discipline is legal. Even if it includes a swat to an ill behaved kid's ass.
Look your State up here as a reference.
https://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp