Disney Dad & no discipline
My partner and I have completely different views on what's acceptable for the bonus kids. The three of them moved in with me a little over 3 years ago. I have an SD12, SS8 and an ours baby that is 11 months.
the kids aren't bad kids. They are pretty standard. Don't really talk back, don't start stuff and would stay in their rooms all day on the tv/video games if they could.
lately I'm really struggling with acceptance of them and opening my heart to being loving. Somehow I just can't curb my own attitude. The kids this morning put their leftover pancakes in the fridge on the plate with the fork still stuck in the pacake and the syrup all over the plate and just set the whole thing in there. This is also how my partner puts food away. I told the 8 year old this morning that they were disgusting... then I felt terrible. I'm not a mean person but the kids constantly trigger me and I'm feeling like a grump instead of the happy person I am. I have tried to change the house standards but it is too much work on me to be on everyone all the time.
SD12 was supposed to clean her room before they could watch tv and she said her dad said it was fine - I checked and told her that we have very different definitions of clean. :-/
I have talked to my partner and he doesn't think his kids need consequences- nor do they need punishments. He says they don't work and that it's better to be kind and let them figure out their own way. Waaaahhhhh!!!
how do I not turn into the evil step mom?!!
They are just following their
They are just following their father's lead, that is where the problem lies, with your partner.
Completely different parenting views (and definitions of "clean") does NOT make for a happy, blended family.
Let them figure out their own way? Now, THAT is some lazy parenting. Well, no parenting, which is unacceptable. There will be consequences out in the real world, they might as well learn that, now. It is, after all, a parent's job to prepare their kids for life.
If you want to enforce certain rules and expectations in your home, which you have every right to do, you are probably going to be seen as the evil step mother, especially if your partner does not have your back.
It might help to explain to the kids WHY you have certain rules and expectations. The reasons that food should be stored properly, the reasons their rooms should be kept relatively clean. Teach them, instead of just demanding or telling them what to do.
Let them watch a few episodes of Hoarders. That always got my niece running straight into her room to clean it!
Yes I tried the explaining -
Yes I tried the explaining - I ended up explaining till I was blue in the face every time and the kids eyes would end up glazing over. Pretty sure they tuned me out....
If they have no choice other
If they have no choice other than to do as they are told when they are told then have to walk with you when you audit the quality of their effort and are under your hairy eyeball as they correct.... or they suffer. They learn and they perform. If they are given only the choice to perform or suffer, far more often than not they perform. If they whine and cry about suffering, put it on them. Why did you choose to suffer rather than doing the job right?
That is your choice kid.
My DH is MESSY. He's better
My DH is MESSY. He's better now but ye gods he does some strange things sometimes to cut corners, or so he think to make it easier for himself. Which of course makes it more difficult for me.
I have over the years never ever sacrificed food safety and cleaning the kitchen, and proper food storage. I never disengage from this unless it's really just a few things here and there. I always expected the SDs AND DH to follow this and I followed up when I saw things like the pancake plate.
My rule with correction of SDs was never get mad at them, rather, have them clean it up properly. Themselves. I never really had too much of an issue with them after a few rounds of this. DH still fights it to this day and I still monitor how he stores food.
Do not tell them THEY are disgusting, but tell them the result is disgusting and why. You will have to repeat and repeat. If your DH disagrees, then everything not stored properly is then trash.
Rooms? Are they filthy with actual trash and mold or just messy? If it doesn't harm the house or your day to day stuff then shut the door and ignore. If is an actual hazard and can be smelled in the hallway and your DH doesn't support your efforts to a cleaner home then again...trash. everything not put away or filthy is trash. I did this several times to OSDs room, clearly giving DH several warnings to deal with it himself and a deadline. And I explained clearly why (filth vs. messy) and followed through.
Do not yell do not belittle do not blame. Keep calm, explain why and follow through calmly.
My DH and I had pretty
My DH and I had pretty different views on parenting and it's taken a lot of hard work to compromise over the years. The difference is my DH was happy to listen and often saw where I was coming from, it's just he's not a natural disciplinarian, whereas your DH doesn't seem willing to listen or compromise.
I would force counselling for the two of you to try and align your differences, otherwise you are in a for years and years of anger and resentment that will likely prevent bonding between you and the skids and damage your relationship with DH.
"otherwise you are in a for
"otherwise you are in a for years and years of anger and resentment that will likely prevent bonding between you and the skids and damage your relationship with DH. "
This is so true. When kids exhibit behaviors you find repulsive and offensive, the last thing you want to do is try and bond with them. Honestly, you want as far away from them as possible. It's sad for them, too, because if even half of the people they encounter in life are as offended and repulsed by their actions as you are, the kids are in for a rough time too.
Personally, I'd leave him to
Personally, I'd leave him to deal with 100% of everything regarding his kids, and stop trying to enforce standards for them to follow. Do what works for you - if it drives you crazy to see pancakes in the fridge on plates, dump them out. DH can make them more pancakes if he likes. Send him in to get anything gross in their rooms and then shut the door. Focus on your baby and let DH cook and clean for them, do everything regarding school and transportation, baths, etc.. If he doesn't like it, oh well. Your youngest stepkid is older enough than your child that once your child notices they have different rules, they will almost be out of the home. And you can always parent your kid differently - it seems likely your DH will be passive with him/her too.
Thank you - it could be with
Thank you - it could be with the kids it's really related to divorce guilt and not wanting them to not be here or somehow losing the kids if they perceive our house as too harsh. THE BM is manipulative and he's afraid they go hack to her with stuff it'll end up as a custody issue.
^^THIS^^
^^THIS^^
2 things:
2 things:
1. It is a kindness for a parent to teach their children about actions and consequences, including negative consequences. If the parents don't, life and society will teach them and the lessons will be brutal. Better to give an 8 year old a time out or ground him than have judge give him a couple years time out when he's 19 because he doesn't respect authority.
2. Never lower your standards because other people don't get it. These kids can learn a lot from you and your own child needs to learn and grow up in a clean house. Be patient but insistent. Master the art of persistence. I'm still working on my SS16 but he's getting there. He no longer leaves plates of food in the fridge but I'm still going to have to supervise the cleaning of his room this weekend.
Don't give up. I'll be rooting for you.
Flatmates, see them as
Have you ever shared a house with people you didn't choose but cooperated with in order to keep the place in good shape for all to enjoy?
I've shared quite a few houses with people in the past. On one side of the spectrum was the guy who wrote things like "don't put biscuits in the freezer". On the other were two feral teenage girls whose idea of disposing of a crisp bag was releasing it from their hand and onto the floor. The obsessive freak was easier to get along with. The feral crew I couldn't handle. I walked into the house and walked straight out, dragging my suitcases with me into an uncertain - but cleaner -- future.
The point is you should be civil to people circumstances have foisted on you, but only you know your threshold of tolerance for dirt.
Personally, I'd remove the cable from the TV if they hadn't followed through with cleaning up. I wouldn't be a bitch about it. I'd do it smiling. Then I would gush every time a small improvement was made. "Waw, you did a really good job of cleaning the table", etc. Even if it was half-assed. Children are suckers for compliments and will do anything to get more. Use that against them.
If all else fails, I'd give up. I wouldn't do everything. I occasionally do everything if I am with family and it's a short term arrangement. My sister is rubbish in the kitchen, for example. But I do it because it's a 24 or 48 hour deal.
I'd stop making dinner for kids who didn't hold up their end of the bargain. And if that made no difference, I'd move out.