Introverted SMom, Extroverted/ hateful BMom
I'm new here and need feedback PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Sorry ahead of time for the long story.
Our basic story, became Smom when skids were 4&7. Ever since, they call me mom, buy me mommy gifts, tell the bmom how much they love me etc, and tell me and the dad how much they wish they never had to live with bmom again and that they hate her. (No I am not a manipulator or one of those 'mess with the kids head' kinda Disney stepmoms lol. Bmom is really a horrible pathological liar by definition, very manipulating and belitting to kids who receive it all. And if they dont agree with her thinking on something then god forbid their lives are OVER). On top of all this the skids constantly tell us how jealous there mom is about me (referring to my relationship with the kids) and absolutely hates me. They can't even talk about me in her home or else they are belittled or she snarls about it.
5 years later now, 10 yr old SSon is in such a bad relationship with his bmom that he told me a secret, he held from his dad for a while, that he fantasizes about shooting his mom in the head cause he cant bear to be around her. (she never bonded with him as an infant and beyond, treats him terribly compared to golden-child daughter and he's not even bad or acts out. how this women basically trashes and distroys the emotions of this sweet kid is beyond me.) As you can imagine, being a smom not having any other kids, im unable, this boy and are are glued to the hip and he knows i worship the ground he walks on. (daughter too but he is more an emotional mess)
Anyway we are getting him counseling. But the thing that drives me insane, amongst other things, is that she makes herself out to be god's greatest gift to them, that they worship the ground she walks on. IF ONLY SHE KNEW HOW MUCH THEY HATE HER! And any dr appt or any interaction we have around her she WONT. SHUT. UP. Like her mouth has to vomit words 24/7 and its always 'look at me.' Drive my husband and I nuts. Now I am an ambervert, I can be extroverted around the right people but I can be introverted. I know when to speak and be quiet, I can chime in but whenever she is around its like she already says too much to the drs or whoever that I just sit there and am quite. I hate this. Its not that I'm intimidated, more irritated, but I don't know how to deal with this. Its a combination of at any point in time I want to chew her apart for everything she has been doing (which I never do and I stay respectful) and wanting her to just calm the heck down and let other people be in the room, like the kids dad.
I know my worth with the kids, I am golden and dont feel threatened at all as a mom, but i don't know how to be in the same room as her, or at the same church, when either she just stares me down and compares mine and sson's relationship with hers. "You hold her hand but wont hold mine, you hug her, kiss her but dont do it to me, I didn't raise my children to be so rude.' She is distroying my boy. Alienating her daughter. and NO ONE can tell her anything about it or she turns with rage back to the kids.
There's alot going on in this, I just threw a bunch of words out there, but any feedback would be appreciated. Whether how to deal with her and her son's relationship or how I can just deal with having my own identity around her.
Also want to mention Bio mom
Also want to mention Bio mom is the one that cheated, left her family and said the kids will get over it. So I think that adds to the kids resentment.
I am in the same situation.
I am in the same situation. I can't help myself. They are kids and what happened between their parents is not their fault. My ss is torn between me and his pos father. His dad is a womanizer, has a different woman everytime he picks him up. His mother is terrified he will grow up to be like his pos dad. All i can do is show him how to treat women as i treat his mother. I tried to do the parent thing but that has only drawn me into the drama. I talked to him about leaving our business at home and his dad's business at disneyworld. I told him to tell his dad that he loves him and that he should focus in the now with him. Mom has moved on. I don't care what happened. So far that has calmed all the back and forth with her ex. I am not in competition with her ex. Neither should you. He is not your kid. Show him how a real wife loves her husband. Be his buddy but not his parent. Show him what a relationship looks like.
Taking the OP at her word,
Taking the OP at her word, she must be at least slightly better than BM,
since the child isn't actively plotting to kill her. :jawdrop:
What is the current custody
What is the current custody arrangement?
I would strongly recommend avoiding being the in the same room as the BM. It causes too much opportunity for conflicts and creates loyalty binds for the children. They don't need to see her flipping out because they hugged you, she should never see them hug you.
I refuse to be in the same room with my BM, she sounds a lot like yours. The only time I can really think that it would be necessary are parent teacher conferences, or maybe doctors appointment if both parents insist on attending EVERYTHING together, and I don't feel I need to attend these things if my DH is already there. These are not your kids, and if raising them as your own is working for you that's fine, but there are certain things you need to let your DH take the lead on simply to avoid conflict.
If you absolutely must be in the same room with her, do not speak to her, your DH should also minimize conversation with her, and try to keep the kids a little bit at arms length. Just explain that it makes their mom crazy which none of you want to deal with.
The best thing you can do is
The best thing you can do is encourage your skids to placate their mother when all of you are together so she won't ridicule and talk down to them. If you love the boy as much as you say you do then tell him it's okay if he holds him mom's hand instead of yours even if it's just to make BM content enough not to be ugly. You can avoid putting them in the middle especially if you are so comfortable with who you are and what you mean to them. I've had my step since he was 8 months hold. I do a lot for him and deal with a similar BM. My SS adores his mom though as he's her Golden Child. We let him know it's okay to talk to his mom or talk about her positively whenever he feels the need because we don't want to set him up for trouble. We can tell she gets on to him when he hangs around us during events on "her" time because he turns cold towards us then when she's not looking will sneak a smile or thumbs up to me. It's fine. I'd rather him save face with her because I know we are just fine without broadcasting to BM me and SS are best buds. She'll only see it as a competition any way and I'm not trying to compete with her for anything.
God bless you Isabella. Your
God bless you Isabella. Your love for these skids shines through every word you wrote.
Beyond that, others here can advise you better than I could. But I too have pain that compels me to search this board for answers to, and I am grateful for the reminder of having the right heart because of your post.