Post legal battle pettiness
We just finished a 10 week legal battle over redoing child support with bio mom. It was long overdue because she’d gotten raises, my husband lost income, and he has the kids a lot more often than she claimed. We could have settled this like adults with a simple discussion but she insisted on fighting before giving up the day before the court date.
Since then, she has started doing things to insinuate that we do not take care of the children. She’s buying extra clothes, hygiene items and sending them to our house as if we don’t already have them all here.
The reality is, she spoils them and treat them like babies. Our house, we give them age appropriate instruction, responsibilities, and expectations. For example, both girls are old enough to brush their hair. I remind them before school to brush their hair. If they choose to goof off instead, they go to their moms house with unbrushed hair. Naturally, their mother assumes we don’t have hair brushes and send the girls back to us with new ones. We have hairbrushes all over the house because the girls walk around with hair brushes and put them down wherever instead of returning them to the bathroom like instructed.
At their moms house, they don’t pick up after themselves, they don’t dress themselves or put on their shoes, they don’t stay in bed at bedtime, they don’t carry their own things, open their own doors, they still use sippy cups and get carried around in public. They talk baby talk. They are 5.5 and 8 years old.
After one morning where she was shocked and horrified that I reminded her eight-year-old daughter to carry her own bag into the house, I had a talk with her about how I Believe parenting is a job to train your kids age appropriate independence so they can be more confident and ready as adults. She seem to agree with me at the time, and even thanked me for my effort. But now that her child support is effectively gone, she seems to be going out of her way to make a case that she is the only fit parent.
I resent this a lot because of her readiness to blame us when her kids fall short of their own responsibilities. I was a single mom for years and know what it’s like. It seems ridiculous that she is now spending more money sending extra items to our house that we already have.
Thank you for letting me vent. I appreciate this forum.
My guess is that her plan is
My guess is that her plan is to go back to court to try to get more custodial time, and therefore, more child support (if that's how it works in your state).
Be sure to communicate with her (DH should do this) - in writing, preferably email, about this stuff.
"BM, D5.5 refused to brush her hair today before coming to your house. We are trying to teach her independence so we did not do it for her. Thanks for the hairbrushes, we now have about 15 at our house!" Etc. So if she does go to court on these grounds, you will have proof of what's going on.
She sound pissed that she lost money and ready to fight. This type of BM does NOT like to lose.
She lost in court so now she
She lost in court so now she is taking her game to PAS territory. By buying so much and sending it to your house, she is undermining Dad's compentency in the skids eye. As in Dad does NOT know what he is doing, does NOT take care of you best.
Flip this on her and gather all the hair brushes up in to a huge pile and point it out the skids. Ask them why their mother would keep sending them if they have so many. Time to start teaching them critical thinking skills and asking them why their mother would do that?
I also highly recommend the Pluto video from the Divorce Poison website. We used it to combat PAS with our youngest SD. You don't have to go back to court about this, you just need to see it for what it is and counteract it with the skids. Our youngest SD is now 18, in CC and the ONLY skid out of the four to still have a realtionship with her father. If we knew earlier how to combat alienation moves, it might be different.
We tried all of that with my
We tried all of that with my SS and it didn't work. I don't think it would work now, and he's 18. The kid has to have a certain kind of personality to not be alienated.
Her kids are young, 5 and 8.
Her kids are young, 5 and 8. I know your bitter about how your situation played out Tog, but at that age, they still have hope.
I'm not bitter, I'm realistic
I'm not bitter, I'm realistic. Mine was 10 when we started. It really does depend A LOT on the kid's personality. It's worth a try but if they are anxious and fearful kids who are easily manipulated, they tend to be alienated anyway. It's not a magic solution. In fact, there is not a lot of evidence behind it at all.
Put all the stuff she sends
Put all the stuff she sends back in a bag and give it right back to her with a note that you appreciate it, but it's not needed and she should keep it at her house.
I do like the previous suggestion of emailing her about what your trying to do to teach independence.
However, there is a caveat with this: teaching independence also comes with teaching expectations. That means that you may not brush her hair for her, but you should expect that it be done, and consequences will be rendered if it's not. Going to school with unbrushed hair is unacceptable, and BM is well within her rights to be upset if the kids look unkempt.
My DH is big on his kids having independence, but that doesn't mean he lets them slide on not doing something. When YSS doesn't brush his teeth well enough, DH sends him right back to do it again. And again. And again until it is done. If his shenanigans cost us time and we're late, or DH has to tell him more than once to redo it, YSS loses his video games or computer, etc.
When the girls end up at BM's after a full day without having their hair fully brushed, it makes BM "the bad guy" because she has to then sit down and brush what is likely ratty, painful hair. She has to take time out of her day to do something their father should have ensured was done. It may seem small and petty to you, but as someone who gets unwashed teen boys because BM "leaves it up to them", it's super-duper annoying and makes DH the "bad guy".
So, again, independence with expectations. Yes, it may mean that one of you stands in the doorway to male the girls stop goofing off and dole out punishment when they do, but that's just part of parenthood. BM's totally hands on approach is just as bad for them as your totally hands off one. Structure is needed.
Yes!
Yes!
She's trying to create drama.
She's trying to create drama. She wants to start fights between her and DH, the kids and DH or even better you, and you and your DH. I would ignore the brushes in your household and your DH does need to put it all in the email. I would have him send her a brief email that says all of the kids needs are being taken care of and she should keep the excessive hairbrushes and clothes at her house for when the kids go over there. I would also pull a little anti-pas action myself, and mention to the girls "wow, we have a lot of hairbrushes around her, I bet we could sanitze them and donate most of them since we have so many just laying around." And then have the skids get them all together for "donations" and any time BM sends another set put it in the "donation bin"
Oh I like this! Donate every
Oh I like this! Donate every thing sent over and be sure to plant the seed for the kids to tell BM how much fun it is to donate to the less fortunate. LOL that would have pissed my BM off. LOL
Absolutely! Do not keep
Absolutely! Do not keep enemy artifacts in your home. I do not accept gifts or things for my home from people who I am not certain of their intentions or their walk with the Lord. I just don't want my home contaminated in any way. I donate all usually to my local Catholic Church or Catholic Charities who can help many people in need.
Agree with comments above.
Agree with comments above.
Bottom line, do NOT except anything from BM's house. We had our own troubles with the over the top influx of stuff and finally we no longer excepted anything...not even boxes mailed. Your well within your private citizen rights to say NO. You are well supplied at yours. And you do not owe her a reason 'why not' either.
Also, stop with transfer of bags from her house to yours too if you have not already. no need for it . Have enough clothing that you bought at yours. Doesn't have to be expensive stuff. Wash and put kiddos back in clothing they wore to your house.
I will say this...it IS yours and Dh's obligation to make sure the girls are looking groomed when they leave your home. Brush their hair. The little one is 5---even if she was 8 and she looked disheveled...FIX IT. The quest for independence only goes so far but grooming, when they walk past you IS your responsibility. Don't be lazy.
The only lazy one is the BM
The only lazy one is the BM who has failed to teach her children how to take care of themselves (by brushing their own hair). Good grief!