School Papers
Ok. So.
My Biokids live with dad during school year and me during summer and all weekends. (long story that maybe one day I'll type out).
At their open house this year for school, I brought home their papers to be filled out and returned them on Sunday night with the kids. Apparently on one of the forms, I inadvertently put my address instead of THEIR home address. God forbid, you woulda thought I started an all out war.
I received an email from step mom (we all communicate in a group email for accountability) and she told me how utterly disrespectful this was and now they had to get new forms from the school and re do them because of this TERRIBLE mistake. (ok, whatever)
Well, in this pile of papers I gave to them was also an assignment for parents to write a paragraph about your child. So I typed mine out and also sent that home on Sunday.
My kids informed me that their step mom threw my paper away and RETYPED a different one.
I am appalled.
like, why would you do that? Why wouldn't you just attach your own to the one I wrote? nothing I wrote was in the least bit controversial (who has time for that baloney anyway??).
I contacted the teacher and sent my original over electronically-- apologizing for the inconvenience but that due to separate houses, I have to send things electrically or they might get lost in the shuffle.
But I really want to lash into them for doing that... I really want to say something to them for doing that. HOW DARE YOU REMOVE MY VOICE like that....
What would you all do???
I have always done it. I'm
I have always done it. I'm very very very involved in their education. we only live 30 min apart. before it was 10 minutes and I was even more involved. Lesson learned, though. Now that SM is there (only been married a year), I'll relinquish that control to her. I guess they coulda just been a little more "kind" about it.
oh well.
Why should you relinquish
Why should you relinquish control to SM? You're the mother.
SHE needs to understand that just because she's dad's wife, and dad has primary care during the school year, doesn't mean she replaces you in terms of involvement in educational affairs. Just because dad is allowing SM to take over the school paperwork stuff doesn't mean her authority supercedes your rights.
If it was me, I'd write an email to the school, copy both dad and SM, and go total passive aggressive on their buns:
To whom it may concern,
The children reside with their father during the school year. I understand that Dad has relinquished his parental responsibilities to SM when it comes to education, so that she may oversee school related issues on his behalf. While it is acceptable for her to take over his responsibilities if that's how they choose to operate in their home, it is unacceptable that her granted authority replace my parental involvement.
Please ensure to copy me on all school correspondence, so that I may continue to be very involved in their schooling. I understand there was a miscommunication and that SM was entered in as parental contact - Please make sure to correct the information to CBC8171, though the address is SM's.
As a mother I appreciate that the school is willing to accommodate a third party in the children's education, it's also great to see a step-mother want to be involved.
Thank you,
Meanwhile I was furious to
Meanwhile I was furious to find out that I was being listed as stuff on my former skids school paperwork. I made sure I was removed and their heifer mother was listed. Lord. I wasn't going there. His kids were asses. I had my two to care for
"What would you all
"What would you all do???:
You've already sent the school the paper you originally had included, so there is nothing else needed to do. The forms are corrected and in also.
Who knows what set off SM. Maybe she is the one who gets the kids up and out the door on school mornings. Perhaps it just hit a sour note to see you had put your address as if you were the one doing it. Doesn't matter, if it was an accidently brain f*rt , she probably viewed it as a deliberate stunt to displace Dad who actually has the children Mom-Fri.
What I wouldn't like this the communication system. You are not co-parent with SM. If my ex-husband wanted to rip on me would be one thing, but I am under no obligation to hear SM's two cents. She shouldn't be filling out the papers in place of Dad anyway. She's not the parent. If she had something to say or write to me, it better be nice or at least civil...because I (nor you actually) have to communicate with her at all.
I have no problems with a Sm sending simple info messages for Dad. If SM wants to be Dad's secretary , meh, so what. However, I have major problems with a SM who decides she will act as if she is my co-partner in parenting. I don't care how they parent/co-parent together (ex and SM) in their own home, but don't bring the crap to my front door so to say. If Dad wants to or feels a need to 'reprimand' me, he better have the guts and decency to do it himself and not be sending SM to do it for him. In other words, Ex, put that wife of yours on a leash, I'm not amused'
"Now that SM is there (only
"Now that SM is there (only been married a year), I'll relinquish that control to her. I guess they coulda just been a little more "kind" about it.
oh well."
Do not do that. If you do, you are just playing into her hands. Her actions show that she is not secure in your place in her home.(not your problem) She's on a mission to show the world that she is a better mom than you are.
No matter where your children live, you are their mother.
She's setting the stage to complain about how she has to do everything for your children because you won't/can't.
The SM has no rights to
The SM has no rights to anything, just the custodial parents, and that includes you. Either of you can complete the papers, but the primary parent's address should be listed on the papers for first communications. (That is for the father to notice, not the SM). Filing out these papers is for your husband to do, not a non related SM. You can tell the school to add you as a 2nd correspondence in all situations and they will do so. In fact, they have to do it for you. But, given you are not fulltime during the school year, it appears, dad should be filling out these papers, instead of you. DAD, not you, not her.
SM has NO business in any of this, period. If Dad gives her permission to pick up kids etc. from school, as his agent, she can do so, but that is about the limit to her power. If SM is filling out the papers, I would have an issue with this and I would tell daddeee...no more of this and maybe that is why you had to take matters into your own hands. It is HIS responsibility! SM has no decision making power and she can only do what daddeee so allows. If I were you, I would speak to your ex and tell him you do not want her completing critical school papers or listing emergency contacts any longer. He may or may not respect your wishes, but tell him if he cannot do it, instead of a SM, you would be happy to complete these papers as you are the bio mother.
If she continues to overstep a normal request by a bio mother, ask your attorney to work on it; maybe a letter would clear this up. I would want to set the boundaries straight, especially if these are little children..
Do not give up your rights to SM or establish a pattern of acceptance, as stated by Lady Face above. The more you let her do, the less it looks like you want to be involved with your own kids and it can be used against you in all kinds of never anticipated ways in the future, especially with CS and visitation involved.
Although I 100% agree with
Although I 100% agree with you, unfortunately, I have learned that this is completely school district specific. In Skids' district, somehow, their SD has the right to call an IEP meeting, request a 504, to access records, to have teachers communicate with him directly, etc. I have been assured that as the SM, but I haven't really tried.
We have this problem with BM and SD. BM is doing the kind of PA where DH is just undermined and discounted until he no longer matters, so she puts SD's phone number as sole emergency contact, and such. DH tries to stop it and tell her to change it, but with very little luck. We get paperwork only occasionally, and even then, only with the admonishment that we must share anything that comes to us with her. Sure, that 1 day every 2 weeks that we get paperwork, we'll get right on that.
And we've tried our attorney, we've tried the schools' attorneys, everything. They just don't give a rip that DH is 50% legal parent because she has primary residential.
Lol how do you "accidentally"
Lol how do you "accidentally" put the wrong address down? You started a pissing match and now you pout because you're wet?
It doesn't matter what the
It doesn't matter what the MOTHER did in regards to those forms. The STEPMOTHER was wrong for contacting her.
If the FATHER had an issue with what wad done(I would if I were in his shoes),then he should have dealt with it.
I'm just saying I don't buy
I'm just saying I don't buy it that it was an "accident" and if she's willing to pull stupid stunts like that, there is more to the story.
meh, I've written the wrong
meh, I've written the wrong address on forms before. I usually check them over, though.
I just did the same thing few
I just did the same thing few weeks ago.
My had surgery and asked me to register her 11 for dance. Not only did I write my address on the form, I also signed by name on one of them.
My sister nor BIL reacted lost it over a simple midtske.
Even if the OP did it on purpose, it isn't the SM's business. It isn't her place to say anything to the OP about what she does with/for her children.
Haha! Well SM is apparently
Haha! Well SM is apparently good enough to get her kids ready for school every day, help them with homework, make sure they're in bed at a decent time so they are rested for school...basically all the heavy lifting ... But she shouldn't dare contact bm? I wouldn't have contacted her, but that's just me. If I were doing all the major work with the skids, I'd probably feel a bit miffed that bm, instead of helping, chose to be a territorial twat instead. I wonder what this "long story" is of how this bm became the fun parent with no custody time during school days.
I see your point but it's
I see your point but it's kind of dad's business that he wants SM do all that for the kids. She isn't the parent. It's nice if she helps but BM never asked her. Dad did. If SM feels overwhelmed she could take it up with her DH. And they just married a year, and she is combative already
There might be many reasons for dad having custody during school time. No one questions why mom has custody during school week when thats the case.
I agree. Like I said, I
I agree. Like I said, I wouldn't have contacted her. But that's not the issue, is it?
No one bats an eye at dads who get all the non school/fun time because that's the norm. When something happens outside the norm, it makes me go, "hmmmm." And it's always for a reason.
I see that things changed and
I see that things changed and what used to be the norm isn't anymore. Many of my students live with dads during school week. Not because mom is on drugs, simply because that's the arrangement they made and that what works. Some do it due to work schedules: business travelers or 12-hour shifts people etc I don't know OP story and Maybe there is something fishy but not necessarily
Where did you read that this
Where did you read that this SM being spoken of does all what you state she does?
"Well SM is apparently good enough to get her kids ready for school every day, help them with homework, make sure they're in bed at a decent time so they are rested for school...basically all the heavy lifting"
I'm assuming she does all of
I'm assuming she does all of it because it seems like the majority of divorced dads I know are more than happy to let SM do most of the work.
Then it's between SM and dad
Then it's between SM and dad to figure out why he puts everything on her. It's not for BM to worry about.
I guess this is the other
I guess this is the other side of the story to BSGoingon? The SM who cares for SS full time because his mom is making non traditional life choices.
I guess my question is why were you filling out the paperwork if your ex takes care of the school related time?
You should email your ex with these concerns. "Dear Ex, I am happy that your new wife has taken such an active and supportive role in our kids' lives. I know they appreciate that. I do have two issues that have been bugging me for the last week or so that I hope you and I can clear up. I was deeply upset when I heard that SM threw away the paragraph I wrote for the school, as requested by beginning of the year paperwork. Is there a reason she did that? Secondly, if something I am doing is causing a problem with the kids' education, I would appreciate it if you reached out, yourself, to discuss it with me. Otherwise, without both parents working together, nothing can be resolved. I think we all three can agree that education and healthy development are the main focus in raising the children. Thank you."
SM is doing all of that
SM is doing all of that because she wants to or she does not have the balls to make her husband responsible for his children.
There are plenty of fathers here who do not have custody during the school year. Are they vilified?
Are you serious? Lol Dads are
Are you serious? Lol Dads are vilified the time. NCP dads are treated as nothing more than ATMs or worse. You really think a high conflict bm would be totally cool with a DAD filling out the school paperwork and putting his information where it shouldn't be? Fat chance.
In this case we don't know if
In this case we don't know if dad was upset with mom filling out paperwork. SM was the only one making waves. If he was upset he could speak to BM, not send his wife to fight his battles.
"There are plenty of fathers
"There are plenty of fathers here who do not have custody during the school year. Are they vilified?"
every single day...
I agree with this. I can tell
I agree with this. I can tell you as a stepmom whose husband has custody that we do most, if not all, of the parenting while BM just has fun with SD in the summer. It's very, very frustrating when she tries to get involved in something because she usually does it as a way of being territorial. This reminds me of the time when I disengaged and DH forgot to send pizza money with SD to school for a few weeks. She went to her mom's in the summer and obviously mentioned it, so BM brought her back to us with a $20 bill saying "this is to make sure she gets pizza at school."
We couldn't help but feel so, so angry and slighted because how dare she? If she wants to help, than actually HELP RAISE YOUR CHILD and pay for her and take care of her. Don't belittle us with a pathetic $20 bill to try and shove it in our face that we forgot when we're the ones doing and paying for everything. It was outrageous. But anyways, my point is, maybe SM is fed up with BM putting little effort in.
OP, do you pay child support? Do you help out whatever way you can? Did you help buy school supplies or assume that was ex-DH and his wife's job? What about school clothes? I'm not asking to put you down, just want you to reflect because maybe SM is pissed off and it felt like you were belittling her.
^^^THIS^^^ Exactly what I
^^^THIS^^^ Exactly what I thought too beebeel
IF You accidently forget this stuff, you should not be doing it at all.
no accident
NOT my first rodeo here.
In a hurry I filled mine out.
In a hurry I filled mine out. I put theirs on all other ones. It was an oversight and I sure heard about it.
exH's second wife was like
exH's second wife was like this. We had joint custody of kids but she tried to take control of everything. exH was more than happy to turn over all his responsibility to her and she seemed glad to take it. She was involved in all the school meetings, her name was included on all paperwork. Emails and phone calls had to go through her and on and on. She had 3 small children of her own so I was really perplexed about how she had the time to be so involved with mine :? Alas it didn't last, her and xH's marriage lasted only 3 years then miraculously xH decided to be somewhat involved in co parenting again.
Your responsibilities are yours, they are your kids not hers. Their father should be involved instead of her doing it all but like my xH maybe he is happy for someone else to take over. Personally I wouldn't lash out but keep in direct contact w/the teachers, read their blogs, know what's going on. Make your presence known at the school, make sure you are listed as THE MOTHER on all forms. Be available if the teachers have any concerns or issues and if at all possible volunteer at the school.
Dad might be one of those
Dad might be one of those lazy dads who brag about having custody etc but in reality SMs are the ones who do all the work with kids.
Sounds like it to me too. I'm
Sounds like it to me too. I'm married to one of those....
I can completely understand accidentally putting the wrong address if their paperwork is anything like ours. I swear I kind of go into a trance when filling out repetitive paperwork. Why you have to write the same exact info on 5 different pages in beyond me. :? Last year I filled out SS's paperwork with DS's info by accident. This year I made DH do all the back to school meetings and paperwork for skids and I only did DS's paperwork.
Hmm, I'm the one who does all
Hmm, I'm the one who does all of the paperwork in our house. If BM filled out any school paperwork I'd be freaking thrilled that I didn't have to bother.
Either the school or BM screwed up DH's online access the second year that the kids were in public school. School claimed that the 'parent requested the contact information changes.' Amazingly all of DH's address, phone, and emergency contacts were changed to BM's info... Did I call up or email BM to complain at her? NOPE. I complained to DH who went to the school district office in person and got it straightened out. Was I frustrated by the seemingly deliberate and suspect issue that suddenly happened right when we were in the middle of court to change the custody schedule due to school issues with the kids? Heck yes! However when I helped SS10 with his family project, we very deliberately left half the space on the project for BM and her side of the family.
So while I understand frustration of needing to redo the forms, I don't understand why any SM would be contacting the BM to complain. I don't see any benefit whatsoever for anyone.
On your part, OP, I think the way you handled it was perfect. You didn't blame the other parents, you just chose a simple, plausible, non-confrontational reason for contacting the teacher directly.
" School claimed that the
" School claimed that the 'parent requested the contact information changes.' Amazingly all of DH's address, phone, and emergency contacts were changed to BM's info... "
This kind of stuff is SO frustrating. After BM lost the kids GBM kept calling the school, doctor's office, and even the pharmacy and changing skids contact info and addresses back to her address and number. It drove us crazy. We finally straight called her out on it and she stopped.
Back when DS's BD had finally started a new relationship she kept calling the school pretending to be me all of the time. Changed info several times, set up meetings with teachers pretending to be me (all the teachers already knew me), even tried to get him sent to the other side of town on a bus once. And we're talking in the first 6 months of BD and NGF meeting each other. We finally all decided that I'd never call the school. That I'd always come up in person. That fixed the problem. The stopped accepting calls from anyone claiming to be DS's parent.
"So while I understand frustration of needing to redo the forms"
White out is very affordable.
touche
touche
Just a suggestion, you might
Just a suggestion, you might get more responses if you post in blogs, not forums. Plus I think you have more options to delete your threads for whatever reasons (anonymity usually).
I'm a stepmom, not a bio mom
I'm a stepmom, not a bio mom and I think that's terrible. If I was in charge of the kids when they were at school, I would make sure both addresses were on file, so their mother also got any important announcements. I would also expect her to be involved in their education.
I feel this way in part, because in my case, BM actively tries to exclude DH from being involved in the children's education. Prior to my arrival on the scene, he only received whatever information she felt like giving out, which wasn't much. She also actively worked to hide any issues the kids were having by not sharing report cards or letting him know when the children were having behavior problems in school. She always lists her boyfriend as the "emergency contact". As soon as DH and I got engaged, I made sure he was set up on all school email lists and followed the school's page religiously to see any parent conferences, open houses, school events, etc.
I don't think it's a bad thing to have more people involved in a child's education and I don't think it's a bad thing to have more people involved in a child's life.
If you managed to get your
If you managed to get your husband's details on file and follow the school pages then your husband could have managed that all in his own before you came along and while BM may have been actively trying to exclude him, he was not actively trying to counter it.
Not saying this to be mean, I feel my husband is about to go down the same path. He claims he will be involved in SD's schooling now she has gone back to live with BM, but when I suggest ways to make that happen he just tells me that he will ask BM for copies of SD's report card. There is nothing active in that. Though it would be more than BM did while sd was here. She never asked a thing about SD's schooling not even which school she was attending.
Time for a nastygram to XH
Time for a nastygram to XH telling him to get his wife under control.... IMHO of course.
I am StepDad and always filled out school ppw for SS if his mom was not available to do it. The SPermIdiot and SPermClan had no involvement and if they had been involved... anything they did would have been at about a 1st grade level. But since they were completely unenvolved in his non visitation life it wasn't an issue.
If SM was behaving reasonably then I would work with her reasonably if I were you. That she isn't behaving reasonably .... time for a smack down.
Goodluck.
It sure sounds like a power
It sure sounds like a power struggle from the ex. How petty and childish. I would ask to speak to her in person, one on one in a non confrontational way and have open honest and direct communication about your expectations of her when it comes to school matters, etc. and vice versa. Tone and inflection in emails can easily be misunderstood or taken offensively.