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SD Mental illness being ignored

Shieldmaiden's picture
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Hi. I have lived with my husband for 12 years. He had 3 daughters from a prior marriage when i  met him. I have no kids of my own.Two of them still live with us, aged 16 and 18. This year we bought a home together, and things are going very well, except that my SD18 has been having symptoms of mental illness since she was 10, and lately these have gotten much worse. My husband doesn't want me to be involved in the solution, as he thinks its his responsibility to "fix." 

SD18 used to be a very happy, interactive, creative, athletic girl who loved playing outside, swimming and camping. Her dad is manic bipolar, and he takes meds and sees a therapist. He doesn't want his daughters to have bipolar, but clearly the older two show signs and he is afraid to accept it. SD18 is unable to hold a job more than 2 weeks. She spends all her time at home doing her art, painting, making dolls, etc. She doesn't shower or wash her hair very often, and doesn't even get dressed anymore unless we demand that she go out somewhere with us. She wears the same pair of faded pajamas and flip flops -year round. She has gained a lot of weight rapidly in the last month and is angry and sullen, answering questions with one-word answers or outright aggresssiveness. It used to be that she would have a stressor in her life happen - and be morose and withdrawn for a week or so, then she would get better. Now she is morose and sullen and agoraphobic, and insulting to the rest of the family on top of it, and its not going away no matter how much the husband takes her aside and tells her she needs to get motivated and adjust her attitude. She hasn't even learned to drive yet because she is afraid of driving. She also goes to online school only, due to social anxiety. 

I told my husband at the beginning of the week that I want us to go to family therapy. I found a place nearby and texted him the info, and asked if he wanted to set up the first appointment? He said yes, he was open to that, and would get it done this week. Its Friday, and I haven't heard anything more on the topic. I texted him a reminder to set the appointment - and he didn't respond. He tends to "forget" to do things like this, which causes fights between us sometimes. We agreed to revisit the topic this weekend once he had made the appointment. I have a feeling he didn't do it, and he will put it out another week and then forget again - as that is what usually happens. 

I am thinking that I will ask him Saturday, and if he has not made the appointment, I will go online and make it myself - for the next time that his SD is over at the house. Then it will be a not-optional outing for our family. I am tired of wondering if SD is going to be sullenly sucking the joy out of life for years to come, since she can't drive or work. I refuse to let that happen. I also care about her, and I don't want her to fail at life. I want her to be happy and independent - as I know she can be. I dread getting a call that in the middle of the night that she has tried to commit suicide, as it feels like sometimes she really hates her life. I know that would crush us both. 

Any suggestions/ideas on getting her some help? Her current therapist isn't equipped to handle her issues, and she only sees that therapist (on her mom's insurance) when her mom agrees to take her, which isn't often. Her mom is entertaining a revolving door of boyfriends and out at bars a lot so she is "too busy" to take her. SD18  never asks us for rides  or tells us anything about how often she is going or whether she feels its helping her - saying "Its none of your business."

 

Survivingstephell's picture

If you are dealing with Bipolar then you need to be firm about treatment with DH.  It will not serve her well in the long run to ignore it.  Find the Julie Fast books and Facebook groups.  She will guide YOU as you navigate this.  

Shieldmaiden's picture

Thanks. I agree. He says he filled out the intake papers and is waiting for a call. I also filled out the appointment request and put in his phone number - just in case he biffed it and forgot to hit "submit" or something. I am drawing the line. This has to stop. I will check out Julie Fast's books. Thanks for the suggestion.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Bipolar is often herediary, as your DH should know since he has it. The longer it goes untreated, the more difficult it is to gain control. It makes no sense that your DH would deny his daughter what can be life saving treatment. If he won't do it, you should do what you can to get SD the help she needs.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Thanks for your response. My husband is the first in his family to get help. He also has a lot of unusual medical anomalies in his family, so I think he tends to think of himself and his kids as "different" from everyone else - and subject to special rules. I don't know if this is part of his mental illness or just a family culture. I don't understand him sometimes, but I know his heart is in the right place - he just needs someone to insist that he try a new method of helping her. He is scared that she will be branded as "crazy' and this will prevent her from getting what she wants out of life. Again - I don't understand this.

Rags's picture

IMHO nether DH nor SD-18 can be allowed to ignore this and for damned sure not tolerated to ignore it and not take action.

Regardless of the physiological/psychological elements in play, SD's behaviors are a choice that she cannot be allowed to continue to perpetrate on the rest of the family, if not on herself.

IMHO of course.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Yes, I agree that the rest of the family doesn't deserve this constant seething anger that she carries around. Her dad talking to her about what is wrong, and asking her to set goals for herself is helping in the short run, but her anxiety and anger and fear always prevent her from moving forward in the long run. We are setting up an appointment next week for family therapy, and I will continue to stay involved in this until its resolved.

 

Shieldmaiden's picture

We have a family therapy appointment set up for the first week of April. I really hope we can get SD18 to go. I told her dad he should tell her that if she wants to continue living with us when her mom kicks her out at graduation, then she needs to go. Its not a option. He felt like that was too strong of demand - and might set her off. We will try it his way, but what if she refuses to get in the car? I am thinking he and I will still go, and let the therapist know she is not cooperating, and see if they have any ideas - or if they can talk sense into her or her dad. I am anxious about this and  I know he is too. SD18 is coming over this weekend, so we will have "THE TALK." Wish us luck!

Winterglow's picture

"He felt like that was too strong of demand"

Might set her off? Then what else does he propose? It's time he stopped dancing around her and his fears and got down to business. This is for her own good. It's for the good of the rest of the family too. Therefore, use the means at your disposal. Have a bag ready, either packed, or ready for her to pack in the event she refuses to get into the car. Ask her what her plans are now that she's homeless.

It needs to be clear that something has to change and, if she wants to stay with you, that something includes her. 

I agree that if she won't go, you and your husband should. I hope the therapist can get through to him.

Shieldmaiden's picture

We had the talk.with SD18 and surprisingly, she agreed that family therapy might help. DH struggled to raise the topic at first, tripping over his words. I offered to clarify, and he agreed. I said "Lately we've noticed you have been very sad, and unhappy, and this makes us sad to watch you suffer. This should be a fun, exciting time in your life, but it seems like you are really struggling to find your way. We, as parents, don't always know the right way to help you. That's why we would like you to come with us to family therapy. Maybe a new, outsider perspective will help us both. Would you be up for trying that?" 

Given, she was on the upswing in her moods, and who knows how she will feel next week. But I think now that she has given her word, she will stick to it. She is usually pretty good about that. DH and I felt immediately like a huge weight was lifted off us. I saw him take the initiative with the other stepdaughter also, when she tried to order him around that evening. He was actually assertive! I told him later how proud I was of him, and how hard I know this was for him. So, I am cautiously optimistic about our upcoming appointment. Wish us luck!