Stay at home mama with the step child.
Okay so my husband works full time and I’m a stay at home mama for my biological baby. My husband is beginning to get more and more days with his other son as the months go by. In November this year we will have him 50% of the time. I told him this evening how much I love being a mom to my son and he replies with “ I am happy you’re happy. I love that you will get to stay home and watch both the boys as they grow up” I asked him what he meant by both the boys and he responded with “you will be watching my other son once we have him 50% if the time” keep in mind his son is 2 and his mother and him don’t want him to go to preschool until he is 4. I don’t want to watch him five days a week because I feel like it takes from taking care of my other son. His son isn’t very fond of me. I try connecting with him and doing things with him and he just doesn’t like me. I use to do pickups for my husband when he was at work and the boys mom and grandparents treat me like crap. They are always saying rude things to me and telling me it isn’t fair i am watching him and My husband isn’t. Which I do agree with that. The boys mom is my ex best friend. We had a falling out a couple years ago way before me and my hubby started dating and we hate each other. I hate taking care of a child who is the spitting image of her. She’s an awful person/mom. My husband wants me to be his mom. He always refers to me as mommy in front of him and I don’t like it. I don’t want to be called mom by him. Anyway I feel like my husband should be watching him since it is HIS time and not mine. My husband doesn’t agree though. He thinks it’s both of our time since we are married now. What do I do? I’ve told him I’ll watch him two days a week and he’s pissed. He told me I knew I was getting into this when we got married but tbh I didn’t know that. I was aware I was going to have to step parent but I don’t feel like I should hve to watch him all day every day. I wouldn’t mind if it were for a couple hours. Like once he got home from school til when his dad got home but I don’t want to watch him all day. Thoughts? Am I being unreasonable or do I have a valid point?
So is the expectation that
So is the expectation that you will watch SS on the days that your husband has him, or are they expecting you to watch him during BM's parenting time also? If it's during your husband's time and you are a stay-at-home mom, I can understand him expecting you to watch both kids, especially if it would be a struggle to afford daycare on one income. It would be nice if he discussed it with you rather than just telling you you would be doing it, though. If he's expecting you to provide free babysitting services during BM's time, that's a different story, though. I don't know why you would agree to be, or your husband would offer you up as, BM's unpaid nanny. If this is what he's expecting, I'd really like to know what his rationale is. Would he be saving on childcare expenses that he's otherwise obligated to pay? I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to decline to watch the SS on BM's time.
I also do not think he should be referring to you as "mommy" to his SS and expecting you to act like SS's mom. You're NOT his mom, he has a mom who is actively involved in his life, and you're not comfortable with it. I would ask him to stop with the mommy stuff.
Just
say no.
If it is 50/50 custody, is
If it is 50/50 custody, is there a preschool he can attend on DH's time? BM doesn't get to dictate BF's custody time. If she "hates" you so much, she should be glad you're not alone with her child.
Your feelings are your feelings, your husband's feelings are his. Feelings need to be dealt with. Some counseling to work through them might be helpful.
He doesn’t want him in
He doesn’t want him in preschool. He wants him to be home with his brother. Lol what have I gotten myself into.
On Daddy's 50% the kid can go
On Daddy's 50% the kid can go into preschool. BM has no say in what happens on your DH's time with this prior relationship progeny. If you don't want to watch the Skid, don't watch the Skid. While I gladly took on the role of Dad to my SS when his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo, I didn't have a multiple kid situation to navigate.
I can see how with a new baby that you don't want to have your time with your baby interfered with by your DH's elder child.
Stick to your guns.
Good luck.
I am going through the same
I am going through the same thing. I sah with bio baby and thankfully SS is only with me full time during the summer. My SS is older, but dh also refused to make arrangements for summer camp or anything to get this load off of me so I feel you on the "dh doesnt want to do daycare" thing. Its very frustrating. Your situation is even worse. If we had 50 50 custody throughout the year I would file for divorce!!
I think the best solution is to be clear and firm with your dh. Say youre not watching SS full time. Period and non negotiable for xyz reasons. Put your cards on the table NOW. Dh can take them or leave them, but he needs to know you will not be coerced when it comes to this.
If you don't speak up now expect the next 16 years to be hell with dh trying to make you act like "mommy", cleaning up after SS, disciplining, etc. Set your boundaries now! No more interaction with BM either! Let dh handle his ex and son. This is not your problem!
think of it a different way
OK, so basically your DH works and you stay home to look after your shared child. Lots of mothers have to go back to work really soon and don't get time with their babies. You're being asked to take on a part time job basically to support the household and look after another child every other week (or however your time is split). You are angry and resentful because of who his mother is, but really you're in a very privileged position if you wanted to be SAHM. I don't think you really have any justification for refusing to look after his kid on his weeks when you and your child benefit from your DH working. You still get to be with your kid ALL the time, and you get just you and your kid half the time. You aren't missing out on anything at all.
However, you need to make dang sure you get a break from this kid (and hopefully your own, too!) when DH comes home from work. Looking after a baby and a toddler is hard work and exhausting. Do make sure that your DH knows that this is a contribution your are making to your shared household by looking after HIS kid and that this is appreciated for the economic and emotionaly contribution that it is. Do make sure that you let him know that his kid IS his responsibility, but that you are willing to help out in recognition of how he's enabling you to SAHM as you wanted. And, of course, do look for 'enrichment' opportunities for this child so you can get a few hours break several days a week or each day. Dont' forget to stress that they are the kind of things you'd want your baby doing when he is old enough. There's a big difference between full time 'pre-school' and part time activities that are enriching rather than warehousing. I actually do believe that it's good for kids to have this experience and not just be at home, but that is my personal belief.
If you refuse to look after his child, he may feel some (justified) resentment. You may feel differently about his first child, but he feels the same about both boys. Resentment and contempt kill marriages - and you could find yourself a single mom and working and missing out on a lot more time with your kid if you hold to an unreasonable position.