Struggling
Hi Everyone-- I am the step mom to 3 boys (ages 16, 13, 9), and a mom to my twin 6 year old daughters. I'm trying so hard to be a good step parent but it's been extremely challenging and is causing a lot of fighting and tension with my husband. I'm a very engaged person-- when I see an issue I try to address it head on. My husband prefers the "wait and see" approach. I try very hard to help the boys with the challenges they face . For example, our 16 year doesn't do anything-- clubs, sports, spending time out of the house with friends, he also has self esteem issues and is struggling academically. Our 13 year old spends 95% of his time in bed (I'm concerned about depression) and our 9 year old has been diagnosed with ARFID and is not getting help.
The issue is that my husband feels critized when I ask if he's followed up on these issues-- He thinks I'm calling him a bad parent. And honestly, I am a little judgy. I see these boys struggling and he/ his ex aren't helping them. He'd probably prefer that I just not say anything, but that's so anthetical to who I am. I've tried to explain that I'm coming from a good place but all he says it that I'm relentless and keep bringing up these issues... and he's right... I do bring them up a lot. But I do it because he doesn't follow through. I'm just at my witts end and am starting to be concerned that our marraige wont survive this. Does anyone have experience with this? Thoughts? Ideas? Reassurance that I'm not a complete asshole? 
Step back
This is coming from a good place. You will end up being the bad guy every time. You can be nice about it, do everything right, have a great relationship with your SKs and it will still bite you in the arse in the end. Let the parents deal with their kids and focus on your own. I understand wanting what's best for the kids but you aren't the decision maker here. If you keep trying to actively parent these kids your marriage may not survive it. If the kids respect you and your household is relatively peaceful, count that as a win. Good luck!
Actually your husband is a bad parent
He should not be upset , he should be doing something. His kids need mental health help. Instead of working at that . He sitting on his ass doing nothing. I.e. bad parent. You see what's going on, as a SP there's nothing you can do but watch this train wreck happing.
We have a saying around here that you can't care more than the
We have a saying around here that you can't care more than the parents. It sounds like that is what is happening in your situation. The boys already have two parents, and it is up to them to actually parent their children. As you are finding, it causes problems when you try to do it for them. I understand your desire to fix things, as I have it myself. However, in this situation, you cannot fix everything. If you want your marriage to survive, you are going to need to back off and let your DH parent his kids himself.
Thank you for that insightful
Thank you for that insightful response. I agree, I need to back off. Honestly, I'm not sure what will happen... I'm just not good at backing off when something seems so desperately in need of being addressed and I'm afraid if I watch and nothing improves I'l lose respect for my husband... and yet, being afraid of what might happen is not a good reason to keep things as they are, which is obviously not working. Thank you.
It's super tough to sit back
It's super tough to sit back and watch people that you care about struggle. I get that.. but.. yes.. these kids have two parents.. and while you can be supportive of your husband.. you shouldn't have to be the one that pushes for his kids to get help.
I get the concern that you will lose respect for your husband for the way he is not following up on things you see that his kids need.. but the reality is.. you can't care more for the kids than the two bio parents do. You can insist on order and boundaries for yourself and your own bio kids.. but in the end.. if his kid's issues aren't "bothering you".. you may need to disengage a bit and let the bio parents of those kids figure it out.
I went and read your earlier post.. and honesty.. the fact that your SO brings three kids to the party and isn't carrying his weight financially.. would be a concern and another way that i might have a hard time maintaining respect for him as a partner.
Now.. sure.. not every partnership has to be equal financial.. etc.. sometimes one person provides more financial input... the other offsets financial needs.. like a guy that is doing all the handyman.. car mechanic work... etc... offsetting costs that might otherwise have to be spent. Or the sahm that provides childcare etc..
And.. with three kids of his own.. clearly housing costs would be a big ticket item.. and homes are expensive.. but rent is expensive too... Now.. if you are living in a much nicer home than he otherwise would be living in with his three kids.. perhaps it's ok for you to pay a relatively higher amount towards it.. especially with two full time kids and I'm guessing his are at least to some extent part time in the home.. But.. it should be clear that you have more ownership in a home you are paying more towards...
I might also think about doing some work together on how you communicate sensitive topics.. it might be the delivery more than the message?
In the end.. it could also be partially the unequal financial status in your relationship.. he may have some base issues with a woman being the better earner.. and have some self esteem issues from it.
Yep, same here.
Yep, same here.
OSDnow20 I am certain has ARFID, my blogs document all her food issues that were ignored by her parents and all my concerns and offers/trying to help were ignored, undermined, or I was told I was too controlling. don't get me started on her other behaviors.
YSD18, I'm certain, has at least low level autism. Which I suspected years ago. She also now has a restrictive eating issue, again I called it out to DH. Same things as with OSD, nothing I say or do helps.
It's why I disengaged. Now, sometimes I'll say something but only ONCE. Then it's up to DH. They are not my kids, I don't consider them "ours" because they are not.
You cannot care more than the parents.
There is no fixing this IMHO.
There is no fixing this IMHO. There is a choice you need to make. Can you tolerate what is, or not? That is your choice.
Are the twins of a product of you and your current DH?
I ask because an exit is smoother and an effort to get on with your best life will be much easier if they are not. Either way, the choice remains the same.
Good luck. Take care of you. Take care of your twins.
But then again it’s your house
The home you live in. Your problem is with DH. he letting these kids vegetate in your home. He must force the kids out. Each kid must be involved in a sport team, some club that actually meets and does thing . Or something to get them out of there room and out in society.
He is not being the proper ,or good parent. He should wabt adjusted kids. Who can go out and do things , to meet the right other people. Maybe a well adjusted girl, down the road ,, nit texting another lock in her room girl.
DH
Why don't you love your sons enough to get them the help they need?
I've had to learn to bite my
I've had to learn to bite my tongue a lot over the years. I still express my opinion - I just try to be careful to only do it occasionally. No one wants to be nagged relentlessly and it often has the reverse effect such that the person being nagged builds up a resentment over the task and puts it off more.
I know that my husband is lazy and unless something is a personal priority of his, he will not put the leg work to achieve a task. So over the years I have done a lot of the research to find various professionals, programs and other resources that I thought were needed or would be helpful at the time. I would then check all the details, insurance, times, costs etc and make a short list and send it to my husband. This helps him but firmly puts the ball in his court to follow through. Then I might bring it up once or twice more but if he doesn't follow through when all the information is laid out for him then there is not much more I can do so I just have to drop it. About half the time he'll eventually follow through.
At times I have lost a little respect for him, when his excuses are lame but I have to recognize that often the tasks he put off are emotionally difficult for him and that I also put off important tasks - they just tend to be different types of tasks.