Would love to coparent with ex his wife but they make it difficult
I know this forum is technically for stepparents. And I'm not one. But I would love some advice from stepparents and maybe other bio parents in the same situation.
My ex left me when I was pregnant with my twin boys. He wasn't in their lives for the first two years, didn't pay child support and avoided any sort of communication with me. He met his now wife when they were 2 1/2 and married her fast. Then he started seeing the boys and paying child support. I was so happy he did because I do want my boys to have both parents in their lives. A year after they got married and started spending time with my sons in my home, they moved an hour away. It was tough, but we managed it. And they even started going over on weekends (custody was amended so he had weekend visitation).
The boys are now 6, almost 7. I'm still the custodial parent and he still has weekend visitation. The problem? They now live over three hours away and stepmom is asking why I can't send the boys to a school closer to them, to make it more convenient for them. She wants me to change their doctor to someone who is closer to them. Wants me to move so I can be closer to them. Doesn't care that I have a job and everything here, it's all about them. I spoke to my ex. He told me it would be so much easier if I could move and make his life easier.
Stepmother pitched a fit when one of the boys had to go to the doctor Friday and my ex didn't tell her, so she parked outside my house and shouted at me when we got back. She told me I should have called her and dealt with her, not my ex. But my ex is the one who is supposed to pick them up. She growled at my son, who needed to see the doctor, and said "I hope you're happy with what you've done". I almost told her to leave if she was going to take her anger out on my son, but I didn't want to get into any legal trouble by refusing to let them go with her.
I would love to get along with them better for my boys sakes. But I'm not sure what else I can do. They refuse to meet with me to discuss things, refuse to accept I've got a life here and the boys, too, so I can't and won't move because they decided to. My ex has told me I need to start treating her as an equal parent and taking her wishes into consideration. Meaning he expects me to make two phone calls for everything (one to him and one to her).
She's not an equal parent and
She's not an equal parent and my kids would've never gotten in the car with her being so obviously angry. Call the cops, she's not the parent anyway. Make exh pick them up. I'm too much of a momma bear for that nonsense.
I'D add to that letter that
I'D add to that letter that SM is not a parent and if she acts like that again i'D be going to court to get a third party restraint order. his bed warmer is not your problem.
I really dislike when people
I really dislike when people use terms such as bedwarmer. It is his wife, as op stated. His partner and spouse. Would you describe yourself as a bed warmer because you were not the first to hatch your dhs kids.
I think that your ex has obviously been guided by his wife this entire time, especially since you say that he wasn't involved until she came along. This is a difficult situation. I would ask the courts to perhaps institute using a third party software like my family wizard so that you cut out all face to face contact.
^^^All of this^^^
^^^All of this^^^
This woman is why SMs get a
This woman is why SMs get a bad rap. I definitely think that you would be within your rights to NOT allow your children to go with the SM especially if she is losing her temper like that.
Read your CO and see what it says about pick ups and drop offs.
I would quit communicating with either of them except in writing. Preferably email. If you have to go back to court sometime, ask to have that all communication goes through Our Family Wizard website. If nothing else, it cuts down on the harassment and gives a paper trail.
I agree, it is NOT your
I agree, it is NOT your responsibility to communicate to the SM.
You agreed to communicate with your ex, and you did.
That is that.
No one, SM or not, should be disrespecting you like that in front of your children.
Agree with others. It's nice
Agree with others. It's nice if you can communicate with the SM, but it is not your job. He married her, it's his responsibility to talk to her. The crap about moving is ridiculous. We actually had a SM who brought that up recently - BM wanted SM and her DH to move closer to her, in that case. Pretty much everyone thought that was stupid. Because it is.
Tell your ex that since you had no say in the decision making process which involved him moving 3 hours away (nor should you), you ALSO have no obligation to mitigate the consequences of his actions. ("Get bent" in other words.)
It looks from this post like you're really trying hard to keep things friendly, and I applaud you for that. (Seriously, will you be MY BM? Pretty please?) However, there's a fine line between "accommodating" and "door mat". Make sure you're on the right side of that line. Decide for yourself what your boundaries are and then defend them. Nicely, civilly, but firmly. "Ex, it is your responsibility to discuss any scheduling or visitation issues with your wife. If you fail in that responsibility I will not be covering for you. If you need time to discuss something with her before giving me a decision I respect that, but I will NOT be discussing it in your place."
Sure, they might think it's "bitchy" of you, especially at first. But honestly, if you want to get along with them BETTER then you need those boundaries. EVERYONE is happier with boundaries.
I agree with everyone's
I agree with everyone's advice.
It would be interesting to hear the SM's side of the story, but no excuse for what she said or did.
It's hard to see any kind of co-parenting happening here.