Building relationship
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my H wants us together to start building a better relationship with my SD19. He thinks she is being pushed away now that she is in our home going to community college.
I have never had a relationship with her, she has lived with BM her whole life and we have lived in another state for almost 4 years prior to her moving in.
deep down I don’t want to build a relationship. I want her out of my life.
I think if I don’t make an effort to try with her and do more things with her and my H my marriage will suffer.
she lives in my home but does that mean I have to do activities with her?!
I also have two young children to care for..
I’m seriously lost and sad..
What is behind your husband's
What is behind your husband's desire for this?? There is nothing wrong with a cordial relationship.
The reasoning is because SD
The reasoning is because SD is running to BM more and more with communication than she is my H. My husband wants her to feel comfortable talking to us about school and work etc. He feels if we spend more time with her she will open up.
Im cordial, I eat dinner with her. I ask her questions but most of the time it’s pulling teeth to have a normal conversation with her
anyways yes I have set some boundaries like I want alone time with my husband at night when little kids go to bed and she needs to leave us alone. That took awhile to get across
should I have to play board games with SD when I hate board games? My H thinks that is an easy task that I should do even if I hate it!
So her
"true colors" were that she is venting to her mom about school and work? LMAO. You made it sound like she was telling her mom you were a psycho bitch or something. She is just more comfortable speaking with her mom. And once she finds out your husband invaded her privacy it isn't going to get any better.
You also complain when she asks your husband to do things with her and such so what is the problem? You don't want your husband to have a relationship with either one of his older children. You want the older kids to disappear (even though they have done nothing wrong) so that you can pretend your kids are the only kids.
should I have to play board
should I have to play board games with SD when I hate board games? My H thinks that is an easy task that I should do even if I hate it!
Jesus, she's 19, not 5.
My husband wants her to feel comfortable talking to us about school and work etc. He feels if we spend more time with her she will open up.
She has lived with BM her whole life, it's natural that she is closer to her than to your husband. If he wants to change that, HE should do so. If he wants to build a better relationship with her, HE is free to do that. Frankly, it sounds like he wants you involved so that he doesn't have to do this on his own. You suggested family therapy, he doesn't want to do it, I wonder why? I mean, if he's so committed to changing the dynamic....
Im cordial, I eat dinner with her. I ask her questions but most of the time it’s pulling teeth to have a normal conversation with her
I completely get this, my SD27 is the same way, impossible to have a conversation with her. She just has no personality. Sometimes cordial is the best you can do when the other party is not willing to converse or interact.
I just don't see how he can expect YOU to work on building a relationship with his daughter when HIS relationship with her is lacking.
I do understand where he's coming from, also. You don't want her there, and it's pretty obvious, but what did he expect when he made this decision without your input? He brought this on.
I am guessing where he is coming from
Kid can attend community college and live at home, generally most economical way for kid to start college.
In previous posts, OP was oblivious to costs of kid transferring to 4 year college and saying the BM should just sign for student loans to make that happen. Dad may realize that is unlikely and wants his oldest to go to college. Cheapest way, imho, is for the kid to get as many credits as she can to transfer, not rush the transfer.
Dad may think if OP gets to know his oldest, she will be more accepting.
I think family counseling may help this situation. Dad may need help in finding his voice as to what he wants to happen.
My husband understands
My husband understands completely that he needs to build his relationship with his daughter but wants all three of us to do it together. Ask her to do more activities alone.
I want him to build a relationship I think that is very important but at this point I feel like I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to do. I’ve tried for years and his kids have no social skills and are impossible to talk to..
its going to take years to build any normal relationship. And yes they all need serious therapy; alone together or whatever
and yes invading my SD privacy will probably might my H in the ass. He has done it to me as well and I was furious
Like mentioned above, she is
Like mentioned above, she is 19. I can't think of a ton of 19 year old girls wanting to sit down and play board games with their step mothers. Is DH possibly trying to make up for lost time.....like treating her like she 9 not 19.
Does she not have friends?
She has no friends and not
She has no friends and not making an effort to make any friends
he has suggested board games cause she enjoys playing scrabble etc, but I do not!
I encourage him to build a relationship but I think he needs to focus on that first
Haha Ridiculous on both sides
When I was 19 I didn't think about wanting to open up to anyone, i wanted to live my own life. Certainly didn't want to sit there with my SM telling her about my life. I wanted to go out and make friends at college.
I am pretty sure that your DH just wants to make up for lost time. He does not know how to conmunicate with his daughter and is trying to suggest things he knows she enjoyed when she was young. He needs to stop wanting his daughter to be as close to him as she is with her mom!
You feel indifferent towards her and are also taking care of 2 young children and feel like you should not be obligated to play along in acclimating another adult.
You need to just act normal toward her! Tell her when you have some time off and ask of she would like to do something with you. Shopping lunch movies. Include her in some family time. If she does not want to be included then its on her. You have tried to extend an invitation.
She is a resident in your
She is a resident in your home. My assumption is that she is the elder sibling to your own children. There is no indication in your OP that she is toxic.
As a member of the household and family an occassional invitation to family activities seems reasonable. She eats with the family, so I do not think that some attempt to include her is unreasonable.
My concern is that your position of wanting her gone may create more problems than she seems to be creating.
Good luck.
She is included in most
She is included in most family activities. She just needs to make more of an effort with being in a new state and attending college. She is now failing two classes so it looks like she is giving up. Relationships are two way streets and take time to build.
I just don’t want to feel pressured to build a relationship with her
If i were dad
And she was failing two classes, I would want to understand what is going on. She may need to give up some jobs. She is obviously not going to be able to transfer.
I keep telling myself this is
I keep telling myself this is going to end two ways
1) SD starts to make an effort and build a life here in our state, making friends, doing good in school and transfers to local state college
2) she continues to do what she is doing which is nothing of any social effort to meet people her age etc and she transfers to school closer to home and BM.
Im thinking #2 since she just told my husband she wants to go on a cruise next year with BM
I hear you, my DH thinks that
I hear you, my DH thinks that his daughter and I should be best friends but she is literally the most boring woman I have ever met. As an example she was at a party we had a couple of years ago and a friend of mine got stuck talking to her, my friend could talk to a house brick and make it interesting but came away from the SD with this comment “my god she is banal”.
Apart from the boring, she is a master manipulator which my DH chooses to view as emotional intelligence FFS!
My advice comes from another Steptalker-treat her like a work colleague you have to deal with but don’t like. Be polite and that is all.
Maybe give in and please DH once a week or fortnight, play the damn game but in return plan something that SD needs to be involved in that you enjoy. As you say it’s a two way street