Disengaging is the right choice for me
My hubby and I met over five years ago and we got married just over 18 months ago. He has a daughter from a previous relationship - she's nearly 13 years old now. The custody arrangements have always been that SD is with us 4 days out of the week (always over weekends) and with her mother 3 days out of week.
I spent a considerable amount of time with SD (watching movies, going shopping, doing arts and crafts, reading together, playing games etc) for the first 2-3 years of the relationship. During those years though, I lost count of how many temper tantrums or sulking sessions where thrown if DH spoke or asked me something directly. There were many times when SD would either interrupt or run off and my DH was expected to chase after her. She would get surly and give me the silent treatment if I asked her to pick up after herself or to help out with something. I did grow incredibly frustrated during this time and would raise her behaviour and how it made me feel with DH, but he would often get defensive which then caused an argument between us.
It's over 5 years later and I would like to say things are better but not so much. The temper tantrums are no longer quite an issue (although she still has her pouty/I have to be the centre of Dad's attention sessions from time to time), but SD pretty much ignores my existence. She very rarely says hello or goodbye when she comes and goes. Initially, I would always be the first to say "Hi, how are you? What have you been doing" or "See ya later, have fun at whatever activity your doing" but I've hit a point where I no longer bother. Our family dinner conversations are typically her talking directly to her father, in fact, most of the time she won't even bother making eye contact with me. I've now adopted the same attitude and direct all my dinner conversation directly to DH and don't make eye contact with her either. I can discuss SOME of these issues with my DH more openly now then I could before but to be honest I no longer see the point! If things haven't changed after 5 years then they never will.
I do love my husband, but I find SD a strain/drain on the relationship. I'm sure people will say that disengaging is wrong but I think for the sake of my relationship and my sanity that I need to. I don't want to be her mother - she already has one - but I don't think I'm unreasonable for wanting SD to treat me with some courtesy.
Let people think or say
Let people think or say whatever they want, if disengaging is right for you then so be it. Since I've done it, helped along by some advice on here, life is so much easier and I've come to realise how much of my energy was being expended on the 'relationship' with SD. You do deserve courtesy, if it's not being afforded to you then step away.
Household rules
Thanks for the guidance everyone. I think I need to separate out disengagement from household rules more. You are right in saying Sanfranciscobaby that disengaging doesn't mean I have to put up with rude behaviour. When she comes back from her mother's house this is something I will raise directly with SD. I've pulled SD up on this sort of behaviour here and there but I think I need to take a more firm line with it - that behaviour is not okay and I won't put up with it under my own roof. DH is utterly oblivious to this stuff which makes me even more resentful.
There have been so many times when I felt like I'm walking on eggshells under my own roof. Often when I go out and come home she's superglued to her father's side and looks at me like I'm an intruder. It doesn't seem matter how much of his time and attention she gets it's never enough! When I spoke to my mother-in-law about the perpetual arm wrestle for DHs attention, she said that DH had created a rod for his own back because he had given SD all of the attention, all of the time and now she demands it.
You are between a rock
...and another rock. I think you have your work cut out for you trying to manage a balance between your marriage and your DH's daugher.
I agree that disengaging is the right move but it will be harder in your case since your SD is at an age where she needs to have a healthy relationship with her father but that doesn't include being a surrogate "wife" to him. She is clearly taking on that role as evidenced by her physical behavior with him, her attitude towards you and the confirmation from your DH's own mother. This is a set-up for a horribly disfunctional young woman. How will she ever learn to have a good relationship herself if she's already learning she can manipulate (men) to get her way and be the center of attention? This is a disaster in the making.
Your DH's blind defensiveness towards SD is the first issue that must be addressed. He obviously doesn't like to be criticized in that regard and to have YOU be the deliverer of the truth makes it even harder for him to listen. How close are you with your MIL? Perhaps she can be an advocate and point out to him that his over-the-top treatment of SD is not good for her, not good for him, and not good for his marriage. If he remains unchanged, then perhaps he might take the advice better from a male counselor who can identify for him the healthy behavior of fathers towards daughters, and the ones he's exhibiting which can ultimately harm his daughter for the rest of her life. She'll never have another man worship her like her father which will wreak havoc with any young man in her future, no matter how good he is.
In the meantime, you are correct to disengage and not be around. While it's difficult to have to disappear out of your own house, I think after you do it for a few weeks you might find that the situation is a bit more bearable in smaller doses.
I do know that when I disengaged from my SD the few occasions I have to be around her are easier to take. She was also raised to be an absolute Princess and has turned into a selfish, self-absorbed adult. She could not maintain a relationship with any decent young men (who would not worship her and do everything SHE wanted) and so she wound up marrying a cloying, smooth-talking gold-digger without an education nor decent job (but loves to gamble, drink and buy guns) who fed her a line of bull and is clearly more interested in her money than her. Everyone else sees it but her, even my SO. Thus the result of his and BM's overindulgent parenting and putting a crown on her head at a young age.
I predict it will only be a matter of time before my SD's husband drains her bank account, runs up incredible debt, and is (probably) going to be cheating on her since he needs to reclaim his manhood after kissing her boots for so long.
Is this the kind of future your DH wants for his daughter???
He needs to be stricter
My opinion is, she should not be allowed to be disrespectful in your home. She comes in she needs to say hello, and leaves and says goodbye. He shouldn’t allow her to be disrespectful to you.