Feeling disconnected after yrs
To make a long story short I’m in a relationship with a man who has two children. Each son has a different mother and neither one of the mothers are in the picture. I came into the relationship five years ago without any children and I’ve yet to have any of my own.
I love my two step boys but now I’m starting to feel a little distant from them.
The past five years I feel like I haven’t developed a relationship that I should have with them. Me and my boyfriend tend to argue a little due to the fact he feels like I’m not as motherly as I should be. I feel like since I don’t have any children of my own I don’t know or understand the feeling that I should be having. I do everything as a mom should do I cook clean take them to school help with homework get them dressed and be there for them, but when it comes to being very loving and affectionate I tend to fall short.
How do I change that? Can it be changed? And is it because I don’t have my own and when I do will it change??
I don't have my own children
I don't have my own children so can't comment on whether it will change your affection toward your SS's, I'm sure lots of BM's & BD's on here can advise on that aspect. However, I do know that if my SO suggested 'I'm not as motherly as I should be' I'd be taking him to task over it. You're not falling short or needing to change, your love & affection is yours to give not your boyfriends to dictate. It will change naturally over time, either way, according to circumstances, but I certainly wouldn't be pressured into feeling you have to change it.
You are not falling short.
You are not falling short. These kids are not yours, and while some do love their step kids, not all step parents do. It cannot be forced.
I guess my question for your BF would be, does he want a relationship with YOU, or is he looking for a mother for his kids? The important thing should be that you treat his kids fairly, any motherly love is a bonus but is not required. You should not have to force yourself to act affectionate when you don't feel it, and there's nothing wrong with not feeling it.
I cared a great deal for my SD (at one time) but I was still not overly affectionate with her, it just didn't feel right. It didn't mean I didn't love her, in my own way.
Your BF needs to get past HIS expectations (fantasy) and look at it realistically.
Your boyfriend is upset you
Your boyfriend is upset you are not as "motherly as you should be"? How motherly should you be to children who are not yours?
It was is very common to not feel motherly to children who are not your own.
Sounds like your boyfriend was looking for a standin mother and that is it.
I am a BM and SM. I am not
I am a BM and SM. I am not 'motherly Affectionate' with skids. They have parents that play that role. My role is 'dads spouse'.
I can be supportive, can take on tasks a mother would but that doesnt mean I am their mother nor should I act that way.
You are not wrong in how you behave. Your DH needs to understand what being a SM means. They are his kids not yours. You are his wife period.
Taking the actions can build
Like you I have no BKs.
Over my 24+ years with with my wife and as my Skid's dad I have found that taking the actions can build the feelings. At least that is what works for me. I got this from The 7 Habbits of Highly Effective People.
For me he most valuable part of reading that book was the short section where Covey was at a speaking engagement and during a break one of the audience approaches him and made a statement along the lines of "I don't love my wife. What do I do?". Covey answered with ~ "Then love her." His point was that love is not a verb or a feeling, it is action. If you take the actions of love the feelings will develop. This helped me behvioralize love for my son and my bride during a difficult time for me early in our marriage. I knew she was the one I wanted to spend my life with but I was allowing myself to be overcome by events and was losing "that loving feeling" as the song says.
So I made sure to realign my actions to make myt bride and also our son the core of my time. I changed my work passwords to something related to my amazing wife, I took the time to do things with my SS, and I made it a focused point to do frequent little things with them and related to them. There was no single thing. It was a bunch of seemingly insignificant little things.
It did not take long for my heart and soul to be all in with this amazing woman and that little tow headed toddler.
So, do some brain time on what you can do to take the actions that will build the feelings you want. That is not to say that you should tolerate unaccepable behavior from either a Skid or a spouse. This effort is more an investment in you than anything else.
It helped me engage in an incredible life with an amazing woman to help grow an amazing young man of character and substance.
Give it a try. It works for me.