How do I Disengage?
I'm new to this world and need advice. My background- I have 2 bio kids. One 24, grown and married no longer living at home. One BD who's 12 and still lives at home. She visits with her dad occasionally but she's usually with me. Married 2 years ago to a man who had 50/50 custody of his two kids. One girl who's 17 and a boy 14. Now their mother is moving an hour away and leaving the kids with us. I don't want them there any more than they already are. They are messy and lazy and I can't keep up with the housework as it is. DH and the skids don't care and would live in filth if I didn't do it. I work two jobs and don't really do much for them as it is. The kids don't have respect for me and I'm not allowed to discipline them, only reward them. DH doesn't discipline them either but thankfully they aren't horribly misbehaved. DH also is obsessed with them and when they are around he acts as if I don't exist. DH knows that I feel like his kids are being forced on me and that I don't want the expense of the bills we split increasing or the mess increasing but he has said his kids are welcome to be there 24/7/365.
My question is, how can I disengage? How do I escape this hell? How do I live like this while being a mother and making a home for my daughter? I'm about at the end of my rope!
First off, I would not
First off, I would not tolerate my DH telling me that his kids are "welcome there 24/7/365" with no discussion with me. I assume it's your home, too, so that doesn't fly. This needs to be a DISCUSSION. What happens with the bills? Will BM be paying support for them? Who will clean up after them? How much are you expected to contribute? If no one will clean, can you get a cleaning person?
Why does an hour away require a change in custody? Even if it's for school, what's to stop BM from having them at least 40% of the time?
I seriously would rethink my marriage if DH told me that his kids were moving in and that was that, no discussion allowed.
His argument is that my
His argument is that my daughter is there nearly all the time and he doesn't have an issue so neither should I. But he has no issue with my BD. She doesn't disrespect him and she creates no issues in our home. Right now the bills are 50/50. But obviously, when 2 people start living there more, expenses like groceries, power, ect will increase. They have no child support agreement or custody agreement. The mother is moving away for her new husband's job and it's too far of a drive for the kids to school. Since his daughter works on weekends, and it would be almost an hour and a half drive for her to get to her minimum wage job, then they are planning to stay with us nearly all the time.
It still needs to be a
It still needs to be a discussion, regardless of whether or not your daughter is there all the time. I'm assuming he married you knowing she was there all the time, and this is a change. Plus he refuses to parent/clean up after his kids.
At the very least he needs to contribute more towards household bills and a cleaning person needs to come in regularly if he won't do it himself.
He sounds like a jerk to me, quite frankly. Doesn't care a bit about your needs.
He can be a jerk over some
He can be a jerk over some things. And I'm seeing more and more clear that my feelings don't matter to him.
Ok.. I agree that he does not
Ok.. I agree that he does not need to necessarily ask your permission to have his kids in the home full time (or semi-full time). BUT, he should be including you on the discussion of how they will be blended into the household. What are the ground rules for the kids.. chores? scheduling, finances etc...
Chores.. I am assuming your 12 yo has chores or certain responsiblities.. there should be a discussion on what HIS kids will be doing in that area.
Ground rules... what about curfews... rules about TV and electronic devices.. doing schoolwork.. cleaning up after themselves.. doing their own laundry etc? Civility to people in the home.. common courtesy requirements.
Who enforces the rules and what happens if that parent doesn't enforce the rules.
Once you establish that there are groundrules. ... and if he doesn't keep his kids on task.. it becomes HIS responsibility to do what they didn't .. if they don't clean up after themselves.. HE has to do it.
Financially.. how does it look now that he is 3/5ths of the household expenses.. different contributions from each of you.. maybe since he ostensibly won't be paying CS to the EX.. some of that money could go into hiring a cleaning service to help if everyone is too busy to take care of this stuff?
Wait - you don't think he has
Wait - you don't think he has to discuss with his partner a CHOICE to have the kids in the home full-time? It's not like BM died and there is no other option.
If my DH told me SS was coming to live with us full-time and I could just talk to the hand, I'd leave.
He's never paid child support
He's never paid child support. So his finances won't change. I've suggested getting someone to come in and clean but he doesn't wanna help pay for that. So it would be an expense I would have to cover. His kids have chore lists but he doesn't make them follow them. And when any of them do chores, it's very much half done. I have gone so far as writing step by step instructions on cleaning their bathroom, it's still filthy and smells like pee.
So, he won't parent his kids,
So, he won't parent his kids, he won't help clean the house, he doesn't care about what you want or need, doesn't discuss major things that affect you and is fine with you working two jobs and helping to pay for his kids.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
I though companionship but
I though companionship but with the kids moving in full time that won’t even be there anymore. When they’re at their BM we actually have a good relationship. But now I don’t even have enough days in a month to make this worth it.
It isn't worth it. You are
It isn't worth it. You are being treated like an unpaid maid AND you are working two jobs for the privilege of that. I'd move out and let him and his kids live in their filth. They don't deserve you... and you deserve so much better!
TRASH BAGS!!!
TRASH BAGS!!!
Keep the giant box of 50Gal trash bags on hand and any time any of them (DH or his spawn) leave a mess bag it and dump it on the curb. Anything not put in it's place goes on the curb. Your own daughter should be held accountable for cleaning up after herself.
If they collect it before it is picked up good on them. If not... Buh-by shit.
Lather, rinse repeat.
As for DH not pulling his weight.... why are you still with him? smh
Take care of you.
This is good advice. They’ll
This is good advice. They’ll either learn or I’ll move them all out one bag at a time!
Bagging their stuff in TRASH
Bagging their stuff in TRASH bags that they are not picking up or cleaning works like a charm. Trust me I've been there, done that and although they will be upset at 1st eventually they'll get it and if they don't they can go with their mother because living in filth is not an option.