I got it wrong.
So. I tried disengagement and got it wrong.
Well, kind of. I was very angry at the time and I said all the wrong things. I've only been doing it for about 3 weeks and me and my SO were in a bad place and I realised I was pushing her away even more. All the things I have said I was going to do I am now doing slowly and at my own pace.
For instance. I am not cooking for them or at least I am cooking for them when I feel like but mainly taking care of my kids. I am cooking a dinner tonight and I will offer the SK's only because I want to and because it is no skin of my back.
I am not getting involved with anything, not the discipline, nothing. I am just deferring it to BM and she can deal with it.
I am not engaging in any conversations about what the SK's have done now to piss her off, she can talk to the BD about it, not me.
I will not buy takeaways for them unless I am feeling charitable, I will just buy them for my kids.
I am basically out. The only thing I am doing is trying to be nice to them.
I am not really engaging in any conversation with them, unless it suits me, they don't really engage with me.
I feel more and more at peace with the situation instead of feeling uncomfortable in my own home.
It is a little easier for me at the moment because they are ove 18, I think it would be hard if they were younger, but at the end of the day it is down to the BIO's to make sure they are okay, not me. I am now doing as little as I possibly can.
Everything is now the responsibility of BM and BD. Leave me out of it. If you don't like it, tough. I've done my duty and if you want to moan at me I will remind you that they are not my kids and not my responsibility anymore. I've done a huge amount over the last 7 years, my only regret is not doing this sooner.
The next step will be 'The Burning Platform' as another poster mentioned. Let's see how the next couple of years go and lets see if the BM will just allow them to live here rent free, lazing around in bed all day and not getting a job. That's the next challenge I envisage because she would rather let them do that than alienate them, then I think I will be having words. I get the feeling that without my firm discipline and involvement they will run riot over her with their crocodile tears and words without actions.
Thanks. Yes things feel much
Thanks. Yes things feel much better. I'm putting me and my kids first now and just not getting involved. Somethings going on right now and I'm just staying out of it, my partner doesn't even include my now, which is also hard because I'm so used to being in the loop and wanting to try and solve things/give my advice. Not my problem any more and her kids / her stress is no longer mine, although I'm sure a little if it will seep into my life but a 80% reduction or more I'm sure. This is the way forward for me....As McDonalds say...I'm loving it.
"The next step will be 'The
"The next step will be 'The Burning Platform' as another poster mentioned." I must have missed that post. What is The Burning Platform?
But good work on your preservation of sanity. I'm at the same point with my SDs. They have made little to no effort to engage in conversation with me, and yet I've been doing everything in my power to try to make them like me. No more! Since reading these posts, I'm starting to grow a backbone.
Sometimes we just need to hear about someone else's pain, only to have it trigger the same feelings within ourselves that we've been burdened with for so long. Knowing that we're not alone in this changes everything. *yes3*
The Burning Platform....
The burning platform is a concept of forcing change on those who are resistant to it. Most frequently when mentioned on STalk it is related to lighting a figurative fire on the platform that kids who are hesitant to launch are standing on or more likely lounging on.
In our case with SS-28 when he turned 18 the burning platform included making his life in our home extremely uncomfortable. When he graduated from HS and decided not to attend college or get a job, it was game on for the burning platform.
We turned off the internet and cable TV during the day when his mom and I left for work. He had a detailed chore list that was 8+ solid hours of work. If he completed it by the time his mom and I got home from work, he got to do it again the next day. If not... he was left on the curb when we left the next AM for work.
When we got home he still had to cook, serve, clean up, etc...... Every month or so more was added to his responsibilities. He was paid with food and shelter. When we went out for dinner, he went with us. If we visited family over a weekend, he went with us. But when we returned home, ne went back to his chores.
After 4 mos of being our live in beck and call boy/chore bitch he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program. His chore list continued until we dropped him off at MEPS to leave for BMT four months after he enlisted.
In a month he will reach his 10yr service anniversary and just signed a 6yr re-enlistment that will get him within 4yrs of full retirement. We are very proud of him and the man that he is. He needed the burning platform to launch and to finish growing into the man that he is. His SpermIdiot is 52yo and still lives in a house provided by his mommy. My SKid was blessed to have a mom who has strong standards for herself and for her son. I am blessed that she included me as her equity life partner
The Burning Platform is a very powerful concept and it can take a different form for motivating change in different people. For most young adult children who refuse to launch it often takes the form of cutting off comfort, electronics, and enjoyment.
Thank you for that
Thank you for that explanation Rags. That sounds like a great concept. And good for you and your DW for being able to implement it and for having a success story as the result. You most definitely have reason to be proud because I know that it would take full co-operation and commitment from both the step parent AND a spouse for this to be carried out properly. Thankfully my SD's have been out of our home for a very long time, so I won't be needing to apply this method.
Thanks. Congratulations to
Thanks. Congratulations to you on the successful launch of your own SDs.
IMHO launching needs to be managed by the adults in the home and not the struggling young adult kids.