Newly disengaged ...finally after 15 years
I have been reading with great interest the experiences with disengagement. I am married with 3 SS (28,26 23) and 3 Bio kids (24, 21 and 14), one is a son from my current marriage.
After a recent bout of extreme nastiness and name-calling by SS to me and DH we both agreed to disengage. It’s to the point where I refuse to even refer to myself as SM. I’m absolutely finished with them and their awful bio Mom.
Its only been been a few days and the transformation has been remarkable. DH and I feel more relaxed. DH helps me clean up in the kitchen and around the house (this is HUGE) and DH has long talks in my presence with our 14 year old son stating that he will no longer allow his older brothers to disrespect me as his wife and as our son he should refuse to allow anyone to say disrespectful things about his mother.
It’s almost unbelievable after so many years of stress and frustration and generally feeling invalidated both by DH and his viscous sons.
Holidays have been hard. I dread seeing them and there have been issues with my oldest daughter and his oldest son so we try to keep them separate. My DHs first inclination is to book a stay away during the holidays so to avoid the awkwardness. It’s never felt sustainable. He wants to go away for Christmas this year but I don’t. I love spending Christmas in my own home and just puttering around and relaxing. I won’t let them take that from me anymore.
I am looking forward to spending time with just my DH and family who love and care about me this year. No more stress or dread because those 3 SS and their foulness are out of our lives.
Part of me doesn’t trust that this is real but it’s also very new.
But even our son feels the lightness in our house. DH and I tried to reason calmly with SS and it totally blew up in our faces.
So for now I’m taking a deep sigh of belief. Thank you to all of you that share here. You give me both hope and courage.
Congratulations! Keep it
Congratulations! Keep it going. It will only get better. I’m totally disengaged and it feels so nice.
Well done- this great for you
Well done- this great for you all- hope it continues for a long time.
How great that your husband
How great that your husband is disengaging with you! I dream of that situation...
I'm wondering if your husband is also worried that he can't sustain the distance of disengagement, especially during the holidays. He's probably forecasting how hard it will be for him so he suggested going away.
I've found leaving for holidays is the surest way to make sure we don't have a blowup because I've disengaged from SD and my husband has not. He's so conflict avoidant, it's easier for him to be unavailable for SD rather than tell her "no because you're a bitch to my wife," which he has NEVER said, even though it's glaringly obvious to the world.
Maybe give in this year and travel so his disengagement is a little easier and he doesn't fail and disappoint you. If his kids get a new "in," he will have to disengage all over again from them and it sounds as if it wasn't that easy for him to do it this time.
It's a good time to break the pattern of holidays with his nasty kids by traveling. Give it at least a year to make sure it takes.
I agree with marblefawn. If
I agree with marblefawn. If you want this disengagement to "stick", set your DH up for success. Don't put him in situations where he might back down, and give him plenty of time to get used to the new norm. The longer be goes without having to confront or be direct with his son, the better. Make your home and your marriage a happy one - good food, good sex, good times. Playing the long game gives you the best chance for a happy, peaceful home.
Also, don't talk too much about your SS or disengagement with your DH. While you're on the same page for now, it's always possible for him to get sucked back in, positioning you as the ole meanie who said such terrible things about poor Poopsie.
Be consistent with
Be consistent with disengagement and perhaps reconsider what you may do for Christmas just to switch it up and to lessen the likelihood of the SS's trying to weasle themselves back in. You just started so be patient with yourself and know that your peace of mind is priceless.
Looking for info on Disengagement
Where can I find more info on disengaging?
Disengagement is a very big
Disengagement is a very big change in your life; therefore, you may have to make other changes in plans to sustain the disengagement.
You are one lucky lady to have your DH understand from the beginning of your disengagement. After 8 years, my DH is beginning to understand and stand with me (now and then). I will take "a little bit", compared to total denial.
Continue to keep your communication open with your DH and give and take. If your DH is willing to give, please be willing to make some changes to make it work.
(((hugs)))
We’ve already spent holidays away without them
i probably didn’t make myself clear but wanted to thank everyone here who commented. I value your guidance and advice.
The last two Thanksgivings and Christmas we were away and did not interact with SS at all. Not that they care anyway unless they are looking to stop by to get their gifts and then leave.
But this has not been the case in few years. DH wants to go away again for Christmas this year. So I’m thinking that we can spend Christmas Eve and day at home at then leave for the rest of the week. Last year none of the SS came by. My middle daughter (BD) is 21 and finishing up her degree. She doesn’t like to travel as she has a boyfriend, work and her own life. I don’t want to miss out spending time with her on the slight change that DH adult sons will stop by.
For now, we will play it by ear but the disengagement so far is going well.
Can I say I am jealous!
I am so jealous, I would love for my DH to get to that point. I am so happy for you!!