Semi-disengaged
I think I've semi- disengaged from DH's bio kids. And it feels pretty good!.
I tried to love them and respect them, but it was never a mutual thing. SD was 14 when DH and I got together and the oldest was about to start college, so I didn't try to mother them, but did want to be a friend.
Fast forward past all the using and manipulation and problems caused in my marriage and I now find I don't bend over backwards to go with DH to visit (SD21, her husband and their 1 1/2 year old and the oldest SK live with BM about 4 hours away). I go sometimes, if I'm free, but I don't force myself to go just because DH does.
I do the gift shopping and what not, but I don't stress about it and accept they may or may not like/appreciate the things I choose. Oh well....
When SD does video calls with thr SGD I may or may not participate...if I'm busy or just don't want to, I don't. And I'm loving it!
I used to lose my mind (proof in my past posts about SD and BM and DH) because SD thinly veiled her hopes that her parents would end up back together and the oldest actually told me he was conceived on Valentine’s Day (!)....so over time, I've backed away.
I made up my mind that of BM insists on going every where when we go visit, that I don't have to tolerate it and can skip the whole trip. DH has gotten offended when I've said I was uncomfortable, that I should know he has no interest in his ex...but now I've decided SD21 can say or do whatever because I'm not participating. And the oldest can do whatever he does, because again...not participating. With SGD, I enjoy seeing her and I'm sure I will enjoy seeing the baby that will be here in early 2023, but I can do it on my terms.
When they come to visit us, I will cook...as I usually do, but I have stopped the catering. I have stopped stocking up on their favorite things, except for a few treats for the baby. They need to learn to adult and how to treat people.
Living life on one's own terms is soooo liberating!
Sounds excellent!
You've found a mode that works for you. One suggestion: gradually transition from shopping for gifts to cash gifts. Easier on you and they will like it better. I'd still shop for the SGKs, though. That's what I do.
Disengagement looks different
Disengagement looks different for different people. Glad you have found what works for you!
Anything I do for my skids, I do because it's helping DH in some way. They're not terrible people, but it's clear that they don't want me in their lives. We generally do well with polite conversation and civility. Occasionally I have to deal with active shunning and mini-wife behavior (from both son and daughter), and that is more difficult.
I encourage DH to have a relationship with his kids, but he won't travel to Skidville without me (nor have they ever invited him, to my knowledge), and they haven't been to our house since pre-COVID. I have suggested an equidistant meeting point, but that is ignored too. It's like talking into the great void. And it makes me sad sometimes.