True colours
I met my husband when I was 23 and we've been together 23 years. At the time SS was 12, SD 10, both now 35 and 33. Mum left them so me & DH raised them from that age until they both left at different times in their life. So much I could say but we did everything we could for them, supporting education, college, their children, cars, jobs etc. We've tried to give good responsible advice over the years - most of it ignored! Having high blood pressure I decided I needed to step back as knew my skids were the root of a lot of my stress. We've kept our mouths shut for the sake of the relationship even when SS has gone on alcohol fuelled blowouts, used drugs, not prioritised his daughter etc. Even last year when my husband had advanced bowel cancer, we kept quiet even though he never stepped up as a son. Then this year, there was no acknowledgement of him to me for Mother's Day, nor for my birthday a couple of days ago. As it upset me so much, triggering beliefs of being unimportant and unloved, I sent a sensitive text stating that this had hurt me and why after 23 years did I mean so little. My husband seeing how upset I was and feeling embarrassed, later sent a text saying he was out of order and what was this all about! The response.... I've had enough of you both, I can't be arsed with you, that's it, and if you want to see my daughter go through his sister (my SD). Well and truly thrown his toys out the pram. After all these years of stress based on his behaviour and protecting his feelings, this is the reaction to a sensitively worded text. Why the hell did I prioritise his feelings! Let's just say the disengagement process has gone into 6th gear!
They are adults now.. all you
They are adults now.. all you really can do is disengage. TBH, your stepson seems to have some fairly serious personal issues that he must deal with.. I'm sorry that he hurt your feelings.. it may be that he wasn't raised to be mindful of recognizing birthdays and such.. or is just self involved.. and absorbed in his own issues.. so he doesn't really look outwardly.
All you can do.. is love your husband.. support him and he supports you in your life together.. as for the step son with all the problems.. I'm not sure that someone as self absorbed would take being scolded for not sending cards or well wishes.. but I'm sure he will want help with his child.. so I doubt that estrangement from her will be permanent.
Thank you for your very wise
Thank you for your very wise words. The irony is that he's never brought his daughter round on his alternate weekends to help develop a relationship so the tempts threats mean nothing. The fact that he could stoop so low when his dads health is still ongoing is beyond belief. We've always bought my step granddaughter a birthday, Christmas and Easter gift however if we left it to him she'd only ever receive them a few weeks after. Thankfully she lives nearer to us (literally 5 mins away) so we take any gifts directly to her and on time. He's clearly just trying to hurt us! Doesn't like being held to account or boundaries that don't suit his own lifestyle!
It's okay to step away from
It's okay to step away from Skiddos/our kids when they've become adults who treat us poorly. Take him out of your mental loop. You need to think of yourself first for your own health. He will not like it when the reality sets in but that's a him problem not a you problem.
Thank you
For your story. I hope some young SP Will read it and understand no matter what you do it will do no good, You will be the bad guy. So young unknown SP. HAVE FUN, don't worry about the SK. they will never be your family
Yes...I have adult SS too.
Yes...I have adult SS too. There was a moment when they hit their mid-20s that I realized nothing about them had changed. Their treatment of me was subpar and I deserve better. I slowly disengaged and unentangled myself from their problems. We are still working on boundaries - I am focusing the boundaries ONLY on things that directly impact me. I am letting go of everything else. It's very hard when I get excluded from a family group text but it's just another sign that I mean nothing. So I am learning to love myself enough to let go of them. There's a great analogy I saw about a bottle of water - when you buy it from a gas station its $1.25, when you buy it in bulk its $.05, however when you go somewhere where it's a commodity like an event suddenly that very same bottle of water is $5.00. The bottle of water didn't change but the enviroment did. If you're not appreciated in your current enviroment change it. If that means placing your energy elsewhere and moving yourself out of that enviroment- do it. I am still working on this but I am worth a HELL of a lot more than what I have put up with from these adult SKIDs. So are you.
I am going to remember...
...the water analagy. Thank you for sharing that.
I am really glad I found this site, I have been reading voraciously and have decided I will not waste my time trying to have relationships with those who clearly do not desire them. I was already half-way there, but this site has confimed my decision. I will continue to be be respectful and polite. That is it...no more, no less.
Yes. Go into enviroments that
Yes. Go into enviroments that celebrate you and want you around. I had the SKIDs as kids and trust me I worked my pants off providing for them and being very very good/reliable/everything - I was determined to never let them down. Now I am a decade+ in and they are full grown adults...they treat me the same and even worse sometimes. I know my value and they don't see it at all. You know your value and you'll do yourself a huge favor to move that energy, love and resources elsewhere. I hope we both read this in the coming decade and we are able to see the positive changes we have made to put ourselves first.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your validation of my situation. It feels so much better having that space. I just need to try and reduce the anticipation I feel of SS trying to worm his way back in. Me & DH have discussed this and agreed that an apology or time will not sort this (my SS isn't one to apologise anyway). He'll avoid for a while and then rock up, minimise the situation, and act like nothings happened. He won't get away with that this time as his recent antics were the last straw! I just keep telling myself it's not my circus and whilst he makes bad decisions, if he wants to screw up his life he can, but he's not screwing ours up in the process!
This is a healthy perspective
This is a healthy perspective blackkat78 - you have so much to live for and a great life to live- don't let this SKID screw it up. Go forth and be happy ! And no longer let him screw up your health too...you are valuable and worth more than this.
I am more of an unlimited boundaries guy.
The worse THEY are, the more boundaries they get smacked in the face with whatever direction they choose to take. Execpt one. The direction of dedicated reasonable behavior and decency. In that direction they find a decided lack of pain, lack of escalating misery, and a fairly clear path free of the painful bounderies they find in any other direction.
Update on true colours
I am gobsmacked / not gobsmacked beyond belief!! So two months down the line, after SS cut us out of his life, I have been anticipating some contact from him on DH birthday. We've come away for a few nights for DH birthday yesterday. I predicted this would be the time SS tried to worm his way back in. He text to wish his dad happy birthday and said he understood if his dad didn't text back but said he was sorry, he'd got his own house etc! His dad said thank you, that we'd be civilised but that he'd hurt us a lot. SS minimised it all saying he understood but what about his daughter (the one he told us we couldn't see anymore). DH highlighted that she could see us and had seen us without him and we could see her if we wished to by going through his daughters mum. He stated it was our loss! He's clearly so so sorry isn't he?! Dismissed his actions yet again and focusing on the wrong part, not to mention that he was the one using his daughter as a weapon. We're not rising to it but here's to our second break away ruined by our most sincere respectful son / SS!!