Advice needed please!
Hi everyone!
I am new to this site, and also fairly new at being a SM. I will try to be brief- I moved in with my Boyfriend and 48 hours after we got the keys BM suddenly decides we have to take the kids. She was being evicted from her apartment, couldn't afford hot water or groceries for the children-despite receiving $1,000.00 a month in CS. At this time the kids (ages 3 and 15 months) came to stay with us. Two months later,and she calls to say she is going to live in another country for a vacation(she is American). She suddenly found the money for that one huh? BM came back to the US and has since been living in another state with her boyfriends family.
It has now been 17 months since this has all happened, we are now married and had the children in our wedding. The boys are now 4 and 2.My husband is in the Military, so the job of raising the children has been mainly my job. When my stepsons came, neither was talking- the oldest was no where near potty trained and the youngest was teething.Now, the boys are well developed and our oldest is even ahead of all his classmates in preschool. I potty trained, dealt with midnight ER runs with high fevers, put my schooling on hold (I was halfway done with my Bachelors Degree), quit working and have since devoted everyday to being with them. On their own, they call me Mommy. In the beginning my SS4 would call me my by name, but it quickly shifted. SS2 has only known me as Mommy. Furthermore, my DH has since gained full custody-she signed away legal and physical custody; she does have the right to visitation and obligation to pay CS.
In the past 17 months, she has seen the children ONCE. She does call, but SS4 refuses to talk to her, like he will run out of the room, hide his head or sometimes just stare at the phone in silence- and the youngest doesn't want to talk either, I am assuming because he doesn't know who she is anymore, or possibly mimicking his brother.
My concern however is a more recent behavior that I wanted to know if anyone else has encountered it. SS4 will randomly talk about her and imagine them doing activities together in present day...or sometimes its past things. He obviously doesn't have a relationship with her, and I know that at his age imagination runs wild- my question is, what would you say to his comments and or questions? Also, we are seeing a therapist also, I just wanted to get some perspective from other SM or BM.
Our biggest hurdle right now is BM is claiming to have a 24 visitation next month with both children, I am unsure because she has made promises of coming to visit and never following through other than the one time. These plans include her and her boyfriend-whom my DH or my SS has never met. Yet, with never meeting each other BM thought it was cute to photo-shop a picture of them all together on FB. Can you say creepy?
Anyways...any advice would be appreciated, like I said I am new to this I do not have any children of my own. What should I say when he makes comments like that? How can I help him deal with the fact she left? How do we keep our sanity if she really does show up next month?
Sorry with the long novel here, I just wanted to be as thorough as possible.
And, thank you in advance 
I'm sorry that you have to
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. It's a big responsibility to have taken on and it warms my heart to hear how well you've stepped into the role but my heart goes out to you too--it's definitely not easy. I know that, yes, children have very active imaginations and although he may have very little true memory about Bm, he will fantasize because she is someone he innately loves (as all children do to bioparents--this is something I can't explain, but they yearn for them with a force that is often beyond rhyme, reason, or time). If it was me in that position, I would respond to them as follows:
"That does sound like fun. Maybe when BM comes to visit you can do them with her. What do you enjoy doing with us? Do you remember when we all xxx...?"
It's good and healthy to acknowledge his feelings, because to him, these fantasies are very real, but to slowly ease him into reality without thrusting him in there cold turkey. To his questions, I would be as empathetic to them as possible, and direct them towards why he asked them, and then answer them as thoughtfully, and most importantly show him that you care a lot about these questions, as possible.
Your BM sounds like a piece of work, but whatever you do, follow the CO and be as polite as possible. I worry about the youngest because you are the only mommy he's ever known, and he may freak out if he's never been alone with her.
I wonder why your DH hasn't slapped BM with reduced or supervised visitation if she's always been missing them... I would have been on that like white on rice.
Thank you for your advice. I
Thank you for your advice. I will try easing him into reality the next time he does bring her up. I expect him to still have love for her, I know that he will forever but I don't want him to be emotionally scared from this either.
Even though it kills us, we are so polite to her, and always send pictures and updates on the kids cause she never bothers to ask how they are doing. I told my DH back in Feb when she came to get an order for supervised visitation because she ignored their allergies and fed them exactly when their pediatrician advises us not to. We have it in writing of the doctors orders, our email on their dietary restrictions, and her saying in a text message that she ignored what the doctor said. But...did that paperwork ever get started? NOPE. It got to the point that I grew tired of documenting said things and walking my DH through the process of ensuring their safety.
What do you mean reduced visitation? Is that something we can look into because she has missed so much visitation time? To add insult to injury- in August when she was supposed to visit the boys for two weeks- she went to Florida for 19 days to see her boyfriends kids. Yes, he has kids from another marriage that he doesn't see either, and she chose seeing him and his kids over her own.
I am terrified of SS2 going to see her, it will confuse the hell out of him. I know that if she does show up and SS4 decides to get in the car at least he will know who she is, and hopefully know he is coming back to his home.
Thanks again, and when you have a chance let me know what you mean by reduced visitation.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I normally would take his lead except he really doesn't know where to take it, so when I found this website he was all for getting suggestions.
I know that he's going to be confused and hurt, I just want to lessen the sting so to speak. I'm sorry about your situation too, I really don't understand how a BM could walk away from their children. Its selfish and sad. Good luck to you guys.
I have realized that, but I
I have realized that, but I was also planning our wedding and we moved into a bigger house and life was hectic at the time. Nevertheless, my emotions overruled on my logic because I too believe it was a mistake and I am very resentful about it.
On a good note, I have been in contact with the University and I am going back next semester.
I appreciate the insight,
I appreciate the insight, thank you. However, he is not taking advantage-taking a break was my choice but I will remember your words of wisdom.