BM doesn't want her kids
Hi
I'm not sure if this falls under mentally unfit but it seemed the most appropriate. I'm with my partner of five years and we have a 16 month old daughter together. He also has 3 sons from his first marriage, the eldest two were adopted as he and his now ex wife did not think they could have children. His ex has been on antidepressants for the major part of her life and has a tendency to blame the people around her for her being unhappy. She has a new partner and they do everything together as a family with her biological son but the eldest two are left out in the cold. As a result they are acting up as a means of trying to get their mums attention. She has now said she can't cope and my partner received a call last Friday from Social Services saying she had asked that they take the children into Care.
My partner and I currently have them 2.5 days a week because that is what she wanted originally. Social Services are asking if I'd take them on a more permanent basis and I'm completely stressed out. I don't know how I'm going to manage. My partner was made redundant last year and has just started a new job but is still on a three month temporary contract and he's working a lot of hours which means that it isn't going to be a case of there Dad taking them on it's a case of their Mother saying "I don't want my kids will you have them." to me. As a stepmother I haven't taken on a nurturing motherly role with them because they had a Mum and I didn't want to step on her toes etc. However now I'm going to have to re-assess how I relate to them because with everything they're going through they're going to need a safe, secure, stable and loving environment. I don't know how well I can do the loving and I'm scared that if they're with us longer term they'll see how differently I feel about my own daughter and that might screw them up even more than there Mum currently is. I'm scared about how they'll perceive the rejection by their mother and how I'll cope with them acting out. The eldest is prone to making up lies about people to get attention and I'm scared if he transfers that to me he could make stuff up to social services which could then affect my daughter. I'm scared about how it will all affect her as well. I'm scared about how we're going to cope financially because I've just finished a temporary contract and was taking a month out to complete my dissertation (I've been doing a part time degree as well as working full time) but now I might need to look at extending the time off to help them get settled. I want to ensure that if we do this it's not a case of them all running away from the situation and they still see their Mum to try to rebuild their relationship. And I'm really scared that I'm not a good enough person who can love them the way they need to be loved right now. How do I stop them seeing that I secretly resent them and think I'd be happier and better off financially if they weren't around. I feel like such a horrible human being and that just makes me wonder if their Mother can't step up and be there for them how can I????
I don't know if I need sympathy, a slap or just advice on how to handle this situation and how to change how I relate to them and my feelings towards them.
You sound like a saint to me!
You sound like a saint to me! I can't offer much advice I'm afraid - I'm new to the site and in a similar position. I'm not sure there are any good solutions to it all; it's just a case of making the best of a bad situation and accepting that your best most likely ISN'T going to be good enough for all the parties involved!
How old are the kids and what does your partner want to happen?
DMB- You are already doing
DMB- You are already doing right by them to ask yourself these difficult questions. But remember, love for someone that isn't your flesh and blood is something that grows with time and shared experiences. You are not "on the hook" to jump in and instantly replace their mother in every way, and I think you are setting impossible expectations for yourself. Remember, these poor kids already have a mother whom they are biologically programmed to love, even she fails them, and I would bet that they do not want her replaced.
If you put yourself on the hook to feel for them as a mother should, you will constantly feel frustrated and inadequate which does nothing fro those boys. I think the very best thing that you can do is just be a true friend to them. They will have feelings of loss, anger and betrayal to work out. They will need someone they they can trust to be there for them, who listens to them without judgement, someone reliable, calm, cheerful and available, Someone who gives and expects respect, who sets sensible limits. If you are authentic, honest, open, if you listen to them and are available for them without pressure or expectation, they will come to trust you, and I have no doubt, your relationship will grow and deepen.
How old are they? Maybe you could start with a conversation. Tell them that you want them to feel safe and happy. tell them that you know they are scared, you are too, and that is OK. tell them that you will all figure out together how to do this. My experience is that kids trust adults who are honest (in appropriate ways) about their feelings.
Also remember that resentment towards kids is NORMAL sometimes. It doesn't mean you are a bad or failing SM! The bioparents I know feel it too-! That is what this group is here for- a healthy place to vent, rage, complain, and also to get validated, get support,understanding and ideas:)
You also raised concerns about putting your life on hold for these kids- this is something that you need to talk to you partner about MAKING time for!!! To be effective in your expanded role, you will NEED the escape of time away and the solace of something you are working on for own self. Maybe the two of you could brainstorm how you can get this- even if its a few hours of Daddy only time while you work on a course, study at the library, etc.
Is there extended family that can help out for a few hours a week?
pr8er