BM telling children to keep secrets from us, not feeding them properly, constantly lies and allows 7 year old to pee her pants
I have officially been a stepmother for 8 months now. I have watched my two SDs (7&10) full time for two summers in a row. Over time I have noticed their behavior change and health when they return to their BM's house. My number one concern is their diet, they both have every fast food menu memorized and if their guard isn't up, they will tell me that they regularly eat whatever they want up there, which is sugar and sodium filled fast food. The BM hasn't bothered to fix this even when the 7 year old has been hospitalized for chronic constipation.She never wants to eat anything when she is down here unless it comes from a can or drive thru window. She will sit for three hours rather than consume a vegetable she doesn't like. Why bother when her BM makes her anything she wants at her house.
The second thing that is wrong is that that 7 year old still regularly wets her pants. When we confront the BM about she says that she doesn't have accidents up there (which is a lie because we've done all their laundry before and it is all urine soaked). She also simply places a pair of underwear out for her every day after school because her pants are always wet. I am so sick of sticking hands in their dirty clothes and getting a wet surprise. She knows she is having them because I routinely find dirty underwear hidden all over her room. My theory is that she isn't going to stop if she doesn't get punished at her BMs house.
After threatening to take her to Dr myself last week, the BM finally caved in and brought her to the Dr to have her checked out by a urologist. My other concern is that the 7 year old often engages in odd sexual behavior for someone her age. She routinely sits on people's laps and rubs her bottom and crotch area on them. She also got caught laying on top of her cousin last week rubbing her crotch area on her. I know the sexual behavior and accidents are signs of sexual abuse, I've tried bringing it up to my DH several times but he just brushes it off. I feel like I am talking to a wall about this. He has tried a few times to gain full custody back but the BM just lies through the trial to get what she wants. She also regularly encourages the children to lie and keep secrets from us.
This all came to light when the BM got mad with us for letting the 10 year old a book perfectly appropriate for her age. The book apparently gave her nightmares but she failed to mention that she routinely lets the children watch whatever they want. This includes, Red Sonia, Zombie Land, Shaun of the Dead and many other inappropriate horror movies. When the BM found out the 10 year old had told us she immediately told her daughter to stop telling us everything. I can always tell when she feels that she has to lie about things. I don't think it's fair to a ten year old to have that much stress on their shoulders. My concern is that there is something very detrimental going on in the home and that the BM is hiding it. I tell my DH over and over that something is not right, his mother, brother and my mother can all see it, why can't he? I am so frustrated with all this I want to scream. I spend more time with them because he works goes to school full time. Any ideas of how I can deal with this situation?
^^I agree with
^^I agree with nowhave5^^
Once you go down the abuse avenue there's no turning back, I think it's wise to be absolutely certain, ask her about the folks around her? Just a thought, collect some photos of family members, and people she has contact with, and ask her to put names to the faces, watch her reactions to each one? Chances are if she's afraid of anyone she will recoil when looking at the picture.
I would also try to get her into the habit of rinsing out her undies if she has 'an accident' and try to keep a spare pair in the bathroom. Maybe if she has to rinse them out herself she will realize how often it's happening, no biggie, just a quick routine rinse so that they do not smell the laundry room out. Ask her to check she's 'dry' before she sits on the sofa or soft furnishings, again, no biggie, just to raise awareness. Sometimes kids are so busy and proccupied that they get out of the habit of getting to the bathroom in time...sounds like it's permitted so the bad habit perpetuated?
I have a friend who's son would only ever eat potato chips! Doc said it was perfectly fine, sneak in some multi vits and not to make a big issue out of it. The bigger you make the issue the more gigantic kids, worse yet BM, will make it!
BM would have the kids call, crying and saying they miss us, just because she needed a sitter! We went and got them a couple of times but the kids let it slip that momma told them to do that, the kids had planned on being with friends and were a little resentful. Afterwards DH would ask them to say 'yes' or 'no' to the question of whether it was a play or not. The kids were perfectly secure with us and knew they'll be over at the weekend, DH is big on school being their job.
Sometimes bladder infections
Sometimes bladder infections make anyone wet his/her pants. I would want to check her for various infections. A friend once told her daughter to always and immediately tell her if someone said "don't tell your mother." In that family it turned out the maternal grandmother was combing out the little girl's hair roughly (as she had done with her own daughter). Because grandmother and m"other had had issues over that, it was good to know. But you never know what can come up as having already beend done or might be done in the future. In your case, the child should "always tell your Daddy. " Finally where TV is not censored and there is MTV, whoa. Take a look if you can some day. If your SD is watching that utterly inappropriate stuff, well, I won't go on. But you know. Lions, tigers and bears, oh my.
MAYBE DIABETES ......Just got
MAYBE DIABETES ......Just got off another website dealing with childhood diabetes. Almost every mother of a young child posting her experiences with initial diagnosis said the child peed the bed -- even during the day. Check this possibility out now.
It does sound like sexual
It does sound like sexual abuse could be a possibility, and I agree with the others who suggest taking them to a doctor. It's possible that the wetting is caused by some physical problem and that would need to be investigated, but it could also be psychological. Kids who are being neglected/emotionally abused can have behaviour problems and problems with soiling, and it does seem that bm is not caring for them properly and that could be causing the problem. I had a friend whose son was always messing himself. It turned out that his stepdad was making him watch horror movies and beating up his mother in front of him, and the poor kid was traumatised. If bm lets sd's watch adult movies, I wonder if they've seen graphic sexual things which could have triggered your sd's inappropriate sexual behaviour? From what you've said, it sounds to me like bm's parenting is the root cause of your sd's problems. She sounds totally lazy, irresponsible and selfish and the kids are suffering. I think you have good cause to suspect something is going on and she's hiding it, but if your dh won't listen to you it's going to be difficult for you to do anything about it yourself. If you can get them to a doctor, preferably on your own without dh, that would be a good start. Getting them some counselling would also be good, but convincing your dh of that might be a struggle. Maybe you could approach it by saying you think that the girls are stressed because bm is trying to turn them against him, and that you think it might be a way of making sure they continue to have a good relationship with him. Don't mention abuse if you think he'll get defensive, and just let him think it's for his benefit as well as theirs.
The BM finally gave in and
The BM finally gave in and took the 7 yo to a doctor. Turns out that she has had a problem with her bladder sphincter for years now. I'm glad there is an explanation but I'm still frustrated that it took them this long to simply have her checked at a doctor. Now she is telling us to give the child laxatives twice a week to stop her constipation. I think she would go just fine if she was given vegetables instead of Lunchables. Thank you all for the advice though, it's going to be a long road ahead!
My DD is almost 8, she has
My DD is almost 8, she has done the same "sexual" things such as rub her crotch on peoples legs, humps dolls and stuffed animals. My child has never been sexually abused. DD started doing this as an infant, humping her bottles or sippy cups and then falling asleep. Pediatrician has stated it is a normal thing, even her child did it. Some children are just that way. Do not accuse someone of being an abuser unless that child has said something or you have some real proof. As far as wetting herself, DD does that as well. We are headed to the urologist next week. This just started for her in the last few weeks though, wetting herself daily. And she has thyroid issues she was born with so we keep a close eye on her.
Again, you people saying that because this kid is rubbing herself and crap that it means she is abused do not know what you are talking about. Some kids are born with high sexual natures.
Aslo, my DD and DS don't eat a ton of veggies. DS has no health issues, DD was born with some. I very rarely cook any meal in my home. We eat out just about every night. Nobody has a problem going to the bathroom. And my DS gets a check up every year, very healthy kid. DD gets blood work done every 3 months for thyroid, she is very healthy as well. Giving a kid at 7 years old laxatives is something I would double check the doctor with. Laxatives can really hurt a child's digestive system if not given in the right dosage. And obviously you know little of medical issues if you think that Lunchables are causing constipation. The kid obviously has some problems.