Custody and Mentally Ill Birth Mom
I am a new step-mom to 2 girls, 12 and 7. Their birth-mom was in the hospital for the past 7 weeks and recently got out. She is living with her parents for right now. She has the girls with her and thinks having a 50/50 physical custody arrangement is too unstable for the girls. She wants us to go back to her having them most of the time and us having once a week and every other weekend. In the past 6 months, we have had them for over 80% of the time. She was either in the hospital or said she couldn't handle having them. They have gone back and forth twice in six months. We want to get 50/50 physical custody so they have some continuity in their lives and the change wouldn't be so great each time she has to disappear. She doesn't care about education, activities, what they are exposed to, and can have a terrible temper. I do not think she has hurt them physically but know that she screams at the smallest things. We just don't know what to do. We don't want a long court thing but we also can't have them just go back to her. Any words of wisdom woul dbe greatly appreciated!!!
Thanks!!
What do the papers say?
I would say you are bound by whatever is in the custody agreement. If it says 50/50, then you would just need to enforce that. But if it says she's the primary custodial parent and you can't get her to agree to 50/50, then you'll have to seek a modification. I would think that you have a qualifying change in circumstances to base your request for a modification on, especially if she has a history of mental illness that has required hospitalization and you've had the kids for more than half the time, anyway.
~ Anne ~
It isn't good!
Legally we have no rights to them at all. We pay child support and have never been restricted on seeing them but my husband is not legally their gaurdian. She agreed to amend this a couple months ago which was when we called the attorney. We were hoping to do it all (legal and 50/50) in one swoop but she is not willing to give us more LEGAL time with them. She is just fine having us be her safety net that is active about 85% of the time but nothing else. It is all so frustrating!! THANK YOU for your response!!!
cih
You can't have your cake and eat it too...
if you want what is best for those girls, you will invest in an attorney and fight for them. You are trying to "reason" with a person that you describe as mentally unstable...does that make any sense?
Unstable parents don't ever care about education, health, or the future. And trying to negotiate out of court is impossible. What you will end up doing, is handing those girls over to a mother that doesn't make decisions based on what is best for her children, and then uses you financially for her own selfish desires.
If you want to keep those girls in your custody, hire an attorney. Since they have been living with you, you have a very good chance of getting it. Also, from my experience, therapists and judge's alike do not think the 50/50 gig works. They want the children living with one parent, and visiting the other b/c they feel it offers the kids greater stability. Plus, if they are in your school district, and bm lives in another, the court feels the children should live with the parent that resides in their school district.
We have been doing the 50/50 gig, and trust me, it doesn't work. SS has missed 13 days of school between Sep. and Christmas break...and his mother could care less. She absolutely could care less, and it is hard for us to manage. So, speaking from experience, the split time just doens't work, unless both parents are stable and communicate really well....and how often does that happen?
Thank you...
...for your advice and insight. You are absolutely right that reasoning with a woman that is not reasonable makes no sense. Everyone gets along pretty well now and as soon as the courts get involved that will all be over. I know that she is not stable enough to raise two children. Thanks again!!
cih
~ Anne ~
~ Anne ~