Helping Kids Deal with Crazy BF/BM
I'm fairly new here, and I found this website looking to see how others have dealt with certain issues that might help me deal with mine. It has been interesting reading everybody's stories and I believe that this is a great place to vent some anger and get support when needed. I know that some of you get along with your step-child and have a good relationship with them and I post this with you in mind.
That being said, I've noticed that I couldn't really find tips on how some of you guys have helped the step-child cope with having an mentally unfit parent. It seems that these kids have to go through a lot to work through the fact that one of their parents is unfit and have to deal with things the unfit parent has either done to them or said to them that are inappropriate and damaging. I know that many of the kids have counselors that are helping them, but I believe that what happens in your home and how you and your spouse interact with the child is going to be the biggest factor in counter-acting the damage the mentally unfit parent does/did. Being a step-parent limits us on what we can and should do to help and I was wondering if any of you could share things that you have done either through trial and error or by recommendation from somebody else (counselor, family, friend etc.) that worked for you and your step-child.
I agree with what you said "I
I agree with what you said "I believe that what happens in your home and how you and your spouse interact with the child is going to be the biggest factor in counter-acting the damage the mentally unfit parent does/did"....
But this is not always the case. I met my Sks when they were 5 and 8 and their mother had a hold on them then. So much that my 5 year old SS one day came yelling out of the bathroom saying how his face was soooo ugly because of all of the bumps. I calmed him down and asked him what bumps he was talking about. He said "well mom said that I look like her and she has bumps all over her face"....the funny thing is he did it just like a girl would. So true we have full custody but she has a BIG influence on their behavior STILL!!!!..BUT the best thing I would do is learn to separate it and understand that they way things are at your home are always going to be different from the way things are at the other home. Show them all of the love you can never speak badly about the other parent in front of the children and show them as much love as you can possibly imagine. I am still going through things almost to the point of giving up but if you have something good hold onto it and cherish it!!..good luck and I am always here if you need any help or advice
There are a variety things
There are a variety things you can do but they have to be age appropriate. How old are you talking?
The kids have a counselor,
The kids have a counselor, that helps them a lot. DH and I talk with her often about how we should handle things as parents... DH has residential custody, BM sees them currently EOWE, but that is not always the case. But those 4 days a month play a huge role when you are talking abotu someone who is involved in PAS or violence, or whatever.
For us, it is about making them feel accepted as they are. (BMs lifesyle and beliefs make them question themselves as 'good enough'). And it is a lot of never talking about BM. We have never said a negative word about her in the 6 years ive been around. (before that they were real young) and when they tell us ' BM said this about you and it made me feel x" we just apologize to them, sorry they have to deal with this... ask them ways to feel better.
IMO its about teaching them how to cope. Their mom is not going to change, and they will have to develop the skills to get through their lives with her in it. Counselors help them with the coping a lot as well.
So sorry to hear of yet
So sorry to hear of yet another destroyed childhood by unfit parent. It sounds like your SKs are lucky to have you and BD in their corner.
There is an institute founded by a previous lawyer and psychologist that has books and videos to help all family members dealing with a parent and/or ex-spouse that have any of the A cluster personality disorders. www.highconflictinstitute.com I bought two books and a video and they were written well and easy to understand. I think they have a video for pretty young kids as well.
Will keep you in my thoughts.