When BM turns kids against you
I know this is long...thanks for reading.I appreciate everyone.I have been with bf for 2 years...he has 3 kids 2 with this crazy ex-wife...the last 10 months their 15 yo daughter has not spoken to me and has made my life horrible and my bf also..playing lots of head-games and control games.BM completely supports crap and possibly encourages it, probably does. Recently the BF has stood up to crap and laid the law with his daughters concerning bad behavior and is attempting to reconcile me and his daughter.Everyone is in counseling. He and his ex have been separated legally for over 2 years now, and physically separated for 3..Within the last few days the BF has found out that is his ex-wife has told his 15 yo that she would be angry with her if she liked me and reconciled with me.The BF is still contemplating what to do.She is very unstable, angry, unhinged, and bipolar..top that off with lazy, and verbally abusive to everyone. She has less then a year of alimony left, and works under the counter for her family..that is just some background. I have not been calm thru this entire situation and have created a lot of unnecessary trouble between me and Bf, which we are both working on.I am really just looking for someone to talk to and know that i am not alone with this pain and dispair...I have finally got to the point where I have disengaged as much as i can from the Bf and his kids issues. I know that he is the only one to fix these relationships..i have repeatedly attempted reconciliations, without anything from the other side.I really feel alone,lost, and depressed a lot..BF seesgirls every other weekend by himself since the 15 yo refuses to see me or be near me..This has created a lot of ill feelings on part..rejection,left out,and resentment on my part. this situation has ruined family gathering and holidays..for everyone. My BF sat for entire week and would not speak or eat because his girls refused to speak with him because we wanted to celebrate Christmas as a family and that I was included.. That is finally what pushed him to talk to both daughters firmly concerning their behavior and to try to come to a resolution. I sat with him for a week and he didn't talk to me or anything...my problem is this now...now that he is once again talking to his girls and has told them his feelings and expectations, he is back to acting normal again. He has girls until they go back to school for vacation. We have discussed at length what needs to be done in regards to talking with both daughters and he has agreed now is the perfect time to start repairing our lives and moving on. It seemed like everything was going well just him and girls at his apartment talking and working on problems..yesterday he left his oldest daughter and went to his cousins for the day..i was very upset and hurt that he left and did not continue with working with his daughters..we fought and now once again are calm and have talked things through..Today his daughter all of a sudden is ill and went to her moms and he is doing work for a friend..I feel like he is not doing everything he can to resolve this problem...i have been pretty much depressed and unhappy for 10 months nowand am looking for some peace again..iwant my calm family back who love each other..how do I handle all the negative feelings I have without starting more arguments..I don't want to be walked on and I want to be able to get my point across nicely that I want him to do more..make this his only priority without being a witch.I would like someone to give me examples of what worked for them...My BF and I are very much in love with one another...we plan on buying a home together around March...thanks for any and all help..
Its very difficult situation
Its very difficult situation you are in. Its good your keeping open communicaton and that your bf does have your back and is defending you.
A few things here.
1. you must accept that you and your bf cannot control BM and what she says and does with sd's. My dh ex poisoned her kids quite well against us. The only thing you can do is basically keep putting the ball in their court and telling them, your invited, if you dont want to come, its yoru fault not ours. Your decision , not our problem.
2. BM will never change , especially since she is bipolar. Expect nothign from her and keep a very big distance.
3. SD15 can be also biopolar as well. Even if she is not and is ignoring , cause my sd ignored me for almost 1 1/2 years, dont let it hurt you. Ignore bakc and have the attitude that if this person regardless of title they hold, if they choose not to interact and hate you for no other reason than mom told me too, then they are not worth an ounce of your energy , soul or emotions to pour out and drain you. You cut them off and let them come to you. If they never do, you havne't lost anything.
4. Seems that you and your bf are on the same page and if he is willing to stand up fo ryou and his new life, then you will have to deal withthe repricusions of bf depressions and emotions later on in life. Things will get more complicated when you have kids together...and the jealousy and hate will ensue. You'll have to protect your new family if the daugthers dont' come around.
5. your bf will have to also accept that he may never have a good relation with daughters since mom is poisoning them. He'll be very hurt by this and you must support him and help him deal with the pain.
I do this all day with my dh.
Xmas came and went, sd came one day, collected, and left the following and had the audacity whichi just learned to tell himoff in the car about money issues. Which he slammed her immediately by telling her if your mom doesn't give you moeny, not my problem i pay CS, i give money for you and if you dont see it, not my problem. Can't control your mom for you. Deal with it and stop hurting others jsut becasue you dont get what you want.
Needless to say i am sure we wont see her for a while. She hasn't been to the house in months and i'm sure she wont come fora long time now. Nto a problem. My husband got over his anger and has basically refocused his attention and energy on our family now. ANd i've reassured him to keep loving her but not let her hurt you...therefore let her come to you.
i think your situation will take time. give it some time but keep open commuincation with bf , i personally would not invest money at this point in time unless your bf is willing to really stand his gorund like my dh is doing and basically cut off his daughter and has told her, door is open but since you choose not to enter, your loss. Thats the attitude we now have in our household. We expect nothing from sk. Nothing. This way we are not upset when situation arise cause we expected nothign to begin with.
Caution: you are depressed and unhappy for 10 months now. I wouldn't purchase a home too soon. Thats big decision and things can be sticky if you dont take precautions with realestate. i made it clear that if my dh and i started a new family and knowing his daughter wanted no part of it, then i made sure legally that she wouldnt' be able to claim anything from the new family.
you have alot to discuss, alot to fix, alot to mend. Take your time in buying a home with bf regardless of how much you love this man. ANd see what bf say if sd's never want to be with you or like you. What will happen when you have the home, have a child?
Thank you. I really need
Thank you. I really need somebody to talk to who knows what this is life on a daily basis..we have discussed moving in together a lot and feel that it will bring the family together and if it does not we will just deal with it together. We both unfortunately will have to learn to stop being so upset over his kids decision to not communicate. I would be buying the house in my name only..due to his divorce and financial raping by his ex-wife..he filed bankruptcy and lost their marital home..i just need emotional support from someone other then family who are biased.it just seems sometimes overwhelming and it upsets me when he doesn't do what i think he should..
Do not buy the home in your
Do not buy the home in your name only. My DH was doing very well at one time but since it has dropped off and my name is on all the bills, same as you, due to his bad credit from divorce. Unless you can pay the entire mortgage yourself, do not put yourself in that position! or you will have bad credit too!
And, re. letting the CHILDREN have power over you and him, Angel72 gave you very good advice. Do your part, try, but you cannot force the horse to drink - they have to want to and participate also.
BM? who is that? She has no power over you, unless you let her in your head! HUGS honey
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