3 Stepchildren now living with us all traumatized and bad HELP
:? Hello, as of christmas eve 2 of my boyfriends children moved in with us. My bf and his ex have been going through a very long divorce. She stalked me and my boyfriend and went as far as attacking me and calling me at work! Dcf finally took the children away and put them in foster homes for 5 months before giving them to us. On christmas eve we got 2 out of 3 children. They are all boys ages 4,9, and 11. The 11 year old would not come live with us and even went as far as making up lies about his father to keep himself in foster care. They finally made him come live with us last weekend. Here are my issues: They have been told very bad things about me and their father and we dont know if we should bring them up or let them go? The 4 year old has been through very traumatic events and is very bad. We have him in counseling at school and at home. He seems to be getting slightly better but he still talks about mom being a bad girl and her bf getting arrested. The 9 year old has been very bad lately. He is in in second year of second grade and he is doing very badly! The teacher has said as he gets more comfortable in class the worse he is getting. I deal with him every morning for 2 1/2 hours before school and he gives me a very bad attitude and does not listen! His main excuse is he forgot. He almost killed his 4 year old brother on the stairs this weekend because he did not follow our instructions and was very upset at me that I disciplined him. He told my bf tonight that he does not like me, does not want to live with me, and does not want me to be his stepmother because I am too mean to him. These kids had NO discipline at their mothers (who is now in jail for a year.) What am I suppose to do? The 11 year old has also asked my bf is we set his mother up to have them taken away from her. He also wanted to know if we set her up to be arrested and goto jail. I am so confused. I am stressed and do not know where to go from here! PLEASE if anyone can help me, I will take any advice. Thank you!!!!
Not that I have any
Not that I have any experience with this kind of thing. 10 years ago I would not have suggested counseling. However, DH and I have been in counseling now for a couple of years and it has helped us tremendously....let's say from being 90% sure we were getting divorced to being 90% sure we won't.
I would find an excellent counselor, that will deal with the kids trauma, as well as will help with family and couple relationships.
Make time for just you and your bf and when it is just the two of you- make it so you don't bring up the kid issues. Talk about couple stuff, you need to keep your relationship healthy.
If this isn't something you think you can handle get out before they get attached. If what you feel for you bf makes you think you can conquer anything- then fight for your relationship- and remember that they eventually leave home and become adults.
O wow!!! You just have to be
:jawdrop: O wow!!! You just have to be as firm as can be without being abusive. I would not bring up the issues that their Mother caused. They will see over time that she is a liar. Even if they wont admit it, they will see it. As for their issues, they need some MAJOR therapy. We used therapy and a behavior modification called 1-2-3 Magic.... it works great!!!
I downloaded the book and
I downloaded the book and have started reading 123 magic, thank you!
It is a wonderful
It is a wonderful book...helped me with my BK and SK! Great way to start!! Please remember that kids going through dramitic events like that are more likely to act out! They need boundries and consequenses for the broken boundries. They will adapt to the new surroundings however, I recommend individual and family couseling...
Good luck!
Oh wow two years?! I do not
Oh wow two years?! I do not know if I could deal with that. The 4 year old loves me to pieces, i still do not think he knows whats going yet! I barely see the kids other than the 9 year old who i take to school every morning. i work 3-11 p.m. so everyone is in bed by the time I get home! Come Saturday morning its a horror show every weekend. M boyfriend cannot even talk to me after he picks the kids up from school because they do not behave! I had a talk this morning with the 9 year old. He just shook his head then went back upstairs... We will see if it works keeping my fingers crossed! Thank you!
I have a friend that had a
I have a friend that had a difficult time with her stepkids at first. BM is jealous of her and lies, doesn't make the kids wash their hair or bodies (as long as they sit in the tub full of water, theya re clean) etc.... junk food, they do ALL the work aroung the house including mowing the lawn with no adult supervision (her DH checks on them every once in a while)! They are YOUNG kids and it blows my mind! BUT......after a few months of the kids seeing the difference in their dads house compared to when they live with their mom, they soon realized that things ere normal and they culd be kids at their dad and SM's house. They have chores (but normal ones), they have rules, have to eat veg., take baths and clean theirselves. BUt they also get to play outside, run around, go places and have things bought for THEM (their mom is always saying she doesn't have any money b/c their dad doesn't give her enough money and she HAS to spend so much $ on her NEW baby) They are completely EXTATIC to go to the dollar store and be told that they can each pick out 5 things. "5 things! Really" They go to haunted houses, pumpkin patches, Christmas tree lighting ceremony and walk around afterwards, go bowling, run in the park, have cook outs, swim. They do not get to do that at their moms house. She said that she it too tired after work and her baby, that she does not have time for them. Can you believe it!
So maybe your Skids will change with some time and a Hell of alot of patience. I wish you the best!!! We aLL do!!!
Oh ya! And councelling for sure!
Funny, we actually do the
Funny, we actually do the dollar tree store thing too!!! They had no rules at their moms. And we were told that they were being left by themselves at home for days at a time so I am sure they are not happy with the new rules. we are hoping in time the councelling and stability will start to change their attitudes!