About to be married for the first time (and stepmom) and not sure what's expected
Am new to this site and this is my first post. Am I being selfish or is this expected of me??? I need to know or vent or get other's opinons for I don't know.
I am about to be married in 2 weeks (we've been together for 2 years, started dating right when his divorce was final). My fiance has 2 kids from previous marriage, both boys. one recently now legal, the other 7 years old. I have one son of my own who's 11, and I've never been married. Use to being on my own and only taking care of me and my son only. This will be my first marriage ever.
My fiance works offshore. He said after the honeymoon he's going to try to work 5 weeks over to "get us ahead financially". Whicch in fact I feel it's to pay off debts he still has from his previous marriage (line of credit they're both responsible for but he's only one paying). I would've liked it to be paid off before we got married but that's not going to happen. And he was just hit w/unexpected IRS audit from their taxes in 2009 - UGH. Another debt of his that came from his marriage to her.
OK so he said he wants to work 5 weeks straight to make money to pay off this stuff so we can get "ahead". During the time he's offshore working, he TOLD me, "I'll need you to get my boys for me on the weekends I would normally get them". I was like, huh? really? I guess part of me was thinking why is this my "job"? (And does he really expect me to get his kids when I'm kid-free one weekend while my son is at his dads?) I'm going to be their stepmom for just 1 month when he's wanting me to get his kids. Mind you he's from Jasper, TX and his kids live there. I am from Houston and live here w/my son. Currently when he's home/onshore, we'll do one weekend in Jasper, one weekend in Houston. No problem. (Sorry to digress). He gets is kids Thursday evenings when he's home and keeps them til school starts on Mondays, then he comes to Houston.
So I said I really didn't feel comfortable driving to Jasper for the 2 weekends to take care of his kids by myself, when I've never spent any alone time with either of them. (I kinda feel like now I'm to be his wife, he's instantly expecting me to be his fill-in babysitter?). Or is that wrong or selfish in my thinking.
And that is only if BM even let's me get the kids while he's working. (She's a big mess and another story). But she may not put up much of a fight so that she's free to be with her boyfriend.
Am I wrong in my thinking? I know over time it would be expected of me here and there to be a "stepmom", but immediately after the wedding/honeymoon. Or is this part of my responsibility as his wife and their stepmom now??? and I should just say ok and go along with it?
I guess part of me would feel better about the whole thing if he would have said babe, I need to work extra, it will get us ahead financically so no more financial burden on us regarding his ex, and would I be able to get his boys for him. I would have liked to have discussed this together as a team, and made the decision together. Instead of just "told" that this is what I'm goingn to be doing as my new wife/stepmom role. Is he taken me for granted also? Help, need some friendly advice for I've never been married and not sure what my role is, as wife, and as stepmom?! Thanks.
If dad isn't there, there is
If dad isn't there, there is no visitation. Period. The agreement isn't visitation with stepmom.
Does BM know about this? Our BM would never have skids come to my house if SO isn't here.
Nip the "being told" in the bud now. Otherwise, you will be treated like a doormat in the future. Always speak up early!
^^^^^^^^^Agreed^^^^^^^^^^^ My
^^^^^^^^^Agreed^^^^^^^^^^^
My situation is very similar to yours. Right down to my SO having debts still from their marriage (which I want sorted before we move in together). I have a 7yr old daughter, and have also never been married.
I wouldnt be told what to do. If he wanted me to have the SKIDS for a couple of hours if he needed to work late, thats fine, but no more than that. AND I wouldnt pick them up from BM either. He would have to drop them to me and then get back to work. (I guess your husband would be able to do that though! lol)
If he has to work and is not there, then lucky BM she gets to spend extra time with her kids.
the only time I've ever done
the only time I've ever done a drop off (never a pick up) is when SO was called away to work and couldn't meet. I'm certainly NOT going to keep the skids longer so yeah I've dropped them off once or twice. Not a habit though.
Hell, I don't even go with him anymore for the exchanges.
My DH would never dare tell
My DH would never dare tell me what he thinks I need to do regarding his kids.
Rudeness aside, there is no reason for you to babysit his kids while he's away. He chose to change his schedule, so he has to deal with BM on this one.
As the previous poster said, you need to nip this in the bud now and talk to him.
I said that to him. I said
I said that to him. I said their divorce papers say he can designate someone to "pick up and drop off" the kids. Doesn't say to stay w/the kids. He said she won't have anything to say about it, and that she'd probably agree to it so she can be "kid free" to do what she wants w/her boyfriend. If she agrees to it, where does that leave me? they decide for me what I'll be doing w/their kids?? But I don't want to be selfish and I do want to support and help my husband when need to. But is this out of the normal expectations of what is expected as a wife/stepmom? Maybe he sees it's my "role or job" as he works and I do not. But my home in Houston is paid for and I'm able to pay bills for it thru unemployment at the moment. But when that runs out, he said he makes enough where I don't have to work if I don't want.
If it were reversed and I had to be gone for work, I would turn to my son's father first to watch my son, then my mom or his other grandparents. I would not expect, or for that matter, ask my fiance/soon to be husband to watch my kid, it's not his job. It's my job and his father's job. Just wanted some other opinions.
Since you have a child, not
Since you have a child, not working may be a big mistake. If he's supporting you and your son, he may think it's only fair for you to keep his kids while he's offshore.
He's not supporting me and
He's not supporting me and hasn't since we met. But you may be right, after the marriage and me continuing to stay at home, he may think that. I mentioned to him what if I go back to work? he said it's my decision. I've been enjoying the time off and planning the wedding. but think after the wedding, there won't be much for me to do and may want to go back to work, maybe even PT.
"He said she won't have
"He said she won't have anything to say about it, and that she'd probably agree to it so she can be "kid free" to do what she wants w/her boyfriend."
- Still not your responsibility. If that is the case, the bio parents can make arrangements with grandma/grandpa or uncle/aunt visit. Its not selfish if its not your responsibility in the first place. I don't understand these bio parents who think that whoever comes into their lives are supposed to just do whatever they tell them to for their kids.
If she agrees to it, where does that leave me? they decide for me what I'll be doing w/their kids??
- exactly, which is why you put your foot down now.
"No honey, if you aren't here, there is no need for them to come. Their visitation is with you. I have plans."
Or for some of us simply
"I have plans, sorry"
@twopines, thanks. i agree.
@twopines, thanks. i agree. I already told him I wanted to talk to him next week about this when he gets home. But I can hear him now "but i'm working over for US to get ahead". Yes this extra money will help out, help OUR marriage cause his past debts are getting paid off then we can focus on US and our marriage. The extra money would also help pay the credit card off we used for our honeymoon. but not sure how to bring it up w/out him thinking I'm selfish.
I have been waiting for
I have been waiting for someone else who's SO works offshore to pop up on here because there are certain things that come with an offshore life.
That being said you do need to find a way to get out of this. There is no way that you should be alone in a time like this. If he is offshore and a decision needs to be made, you can't do that. Also, the boys may make up lies about you and you have no way to defend yourself. You really need to be careful about how you word this and how you decide to come up with this.
It is so hard with my SO working offshore because any time I spend with him SS5 is around and it makes it hard to get that time that some of the others here get without Skids around. My SO works out of Houston, TX. We live two states over, though.
@FML, yes, offshore life is
@FML, yes, offshore life is strange and I'm just getting use to it. I thought it would be great, he's gone to work, and I still have my free time (that I've been use to being single all these years). But yes, there is always kids, either mine cause my son lives here w/me. or when we don't have my son, we have his boys ever weekend that he's onshore. That is taking some getting use to and we do try to steal time here and there when grandparents watch the kids.
I agree on your two points, I do feel things will get back to BM about me that are not true. or some things may be blown out of proportion (for I discipline and have rules in my household, whereas the BM does not), so they already look at me as evil or mean, lol. And BM does grill the kids once they're back home. and I also agree re emergency or decision making, I am not in any place to make decisions on that at all. I appreciate that you brought that up. Thanks.
wish was that easy to ask
wish was that easy to ask other family to watch them. his only family that lives where the kids do is his dad, and they aren't talking at the moment.
Yes I have always been working and independent, all my life. he met me when I was working and liked that fact about me (that I was total opposite of his ex). but sometimes I feel he may not want me to go back to work so he can use the job/money as leverage kinda, if that makes sense. He says he's not that way but I see some of it here and there. He had that w/his ex, he worked, she stayed home. he made the money and decided everything. so maybe he's reverting back to that in a way since I'm not working right now. but yet again, I am paying my house bills (for now). whereas when he's home, he pays for dinners, groceries, going out, and just about everything else when he's home.
I probably really wouldn't have a problem watching the kids later on down the line once we've been married longer and I'm in the role of stepmom a bit longer. but the fact it's right after the honeymoon and that he never asked me what I thought or if it would be a problem, etc. made it offputting for me, leaving me a sour taste in my mouth so to speak. We will talk about it next week, more on the subject of I need to have a marriage where we talk about things together and come to decisions together.
I'm marrying him because I
I'm marrying him because I love him and he is great w/his kids and mine. he is great to me in all other ways. we've been good really until now. But like I said, he's maybe not use to asking or talking or making decisions in a relationship w/another person involved or having to think to include another person. Or maybe he has never had the support of another person? And maybe he just needs to hear I was hurt that it wasn't discussed with me and was just assumed since we'll be married that that'll now be my role?
His mom is very independent too, she works, and doesn't depend on her husband for money. i never have depended on anyone either for financial support, so I would not marry anyone for that reason. but not sure where he has old fashioned thinking sometime, unless the 16 year of his previous marriage did that to him. we're both changing, me getting use to having others to account for and to worry about, or take into consideration. him knowing I'm the commplete opposite of his ex-wife, I am independent and have a brain. we are marrying in less than 2 weeks. and i'm looking forward to it actually. just this one issue is what has been on my mind. And maybe he didn't realize it was a big deal they way he said it. I haven't had a chance to talk with him about it. he will be back onshore next week and will then. i needed some feedback from others to see if I was completely off-base or not. Or once a person is married, that their roles cxhange or what is expected of them, for I have no clue. we do have alot to talk about and what each perceives the other roles to be once married.
I would not be moving there.
I would not be moving there. Eventually he'll be here FT and we'll not have a place there. but for now, we enjoy having a small place there for somewhere to stay when we take the boat out during the summer and him for his kids. we both know 2 places in the long run is not feasible.
I understand if she was w/her
I understand if she was w/her kids all the time that she should have a well-deserved break. However since their divorce, she is always at her boyfriends, leaving her younger son with the older son watching him. If he is not being watched by his older brother, he is w/his grandmother. The only parenting the youngest boy gets is when his dad is home and we're all together. It's sad and ashame really. And I do kinda feel for the younger boy once his older brother moves out and heads off to lead his own life. The youngest is 7 and his brother is now 18 and will graduate and move out this year.
Do not babysit the kids.
Do not babysit the kids. They will - act out and you will - catch hell!
Establish right away that if DH needs to spend his time with them on visitation, not you.!! Trust us, there is a reason so many are saying the same thing!!
and yes, work and keep your financial independence hon!!
he needs to learn that he
he needs to learn that he cant just tell yo what to do.He needs to learn that you are not his ex wife and their mum and therefore not a part of his parenting team.He needs to learn to make the right decisions and to think them through being a responsible parent.
You are not selfish but you need to put your feet down NOW and make clear to him that you feel uncomfortable with that arrangement though you want to be supportive and a good wifey.He will try to convince you that you are selfish and that that this is all a part of being a "family".He will most likely make you feel bad about saying no,but that doesnt justify him asking too much right now.
Yes! I second your comment
Yes! I second your comment "you're not part of his parenting team" -- it's good to keep that in mind long-term so that you don't let yourself be guilted into taking too big a role...it only leads to resentment. And, I sympathize with "he will try to convince you that you are selfish and that this is all a part of being a 'family'" Your emotions and opinions are also a part of being a 'family' and if you think it's a wrong decision, you have a right to be heard!
I firmly advocate starting as
I firmly advocate starting as you mean to go on. Tell him that it's really a decision that should involve everyone, including the kids. I am guessing that you get along with the kids. What does the CO say? Is there one? I'd let him know that you would like the kids to have an adjustment period before you 'take the plunge' so to speak. Yes, the money would be nice but life is not all about money and debts get paid off as long as you put a little aside for them each month. I think he's being a little unreasonable expecting you to just 'launch' in there for what, 5 weekends? Tell him that for the kids sake you'd rather he was there the first time you stay together as 'a family'. No mention of what his ex things, or does she just expect you to 'fall into place' along with him? I'd be saying sorry 'n' all but I am NOT a commodity! OR...ask him if he's really thought it through, which gives him just an inkling that you might not go along with the plan. I agree, these things should be discussed as a team.
Sounds to me like he's giving
Sounds to me like he's giving BM a break, not the future step mom's problem.
The marriage has been planned
The marriage has been planned for the last year. Is not coinciding w/my unemployment at all. I have been looking and hard to start a job now w/wedding and honeymoon next month. I already told him after the wedding/honeymoon I'd be looking for a job. He mentioned this to me last time he was home and I was caught offguard and dumfounded to have it really set in. As he's been gone, this is all that's been on my mind, hard to sleep each night.
And the 5 weeks would be his normal 2 weeks plus 3 more. (after our honeymoon in april). Which will then coincide w/his older son's HS graduation in June, he will be coming home right before his graduation. And yes, what did he/they do before I was here if he worked more than 2 weeks?? there has to be some sort of plan in place I'm sure. I guess he just assumed it wouldn't be a big deal since we will be married (cause we have been working as a team and a family w/his kids around). And he's not trying to get out of paying CS, in fact he and her are talking about increasing the youngest son's child support since the older son is now 18 and will be out of schoool. He pays a low amount now and should in fact pay more, we know this and won't have a problem paying more.
We have talked about everything, we talk every night when he's home about things on our minds, etc. I truly believe he doesn't see this is a big deal to me and didn't think to discuss it with me. when in fact it did hurt me. i believe he does want better in our marriage than he had in his last and simply didn't "think" of everytihng all the way around. Didn't think of me. didn't think of his ex. hasn't thought of or asked the kids how they feel (which I'm sure they would feel just as uncomfortable). or consequences of an emergency, etc.
and he would be living here cause I am here (not moving there) and when he doesn't have his kids, we will be together and can do things and enjoy our time together.
his choice to drive back and
his choice to drive back and forth. he said he's use to driving to get to work, it doesn't bother him. i live here and have my son here, he goes to school here so I'm not moving. he sees his kids per CO as he should.he goes there thursday afternoon and gets his boys, and has then til monday morning. it's never been an issue. he's never not gotten his kids, expect this upcoming work-over incident. We've talked about it, the distance w/his kids, the drive etc. but he said he doesn't have an issue with it. with the understanding at some point we can't continue to have both houses. he's free when he's here for 2 whole weeks and has never had a problem seeing his kids. his older son is about to move out and start working. so then it's his younger son only and we will continue the one weekend there and one weekend here until my fiance decides to change it. the traveling is not an issue and has never been. and visitation has never been an issue, until the working over situation.
He works offshore 2 weeks at
He works offshore 2 weeks at a time, so he's not there for much school activities to begin with. and when there is something his boys are involved in, he goes when he's onshore. we have been doing this two-city living for 2 years now. that is not a problem for us, so not why sure it seems to be an issue for you.
and my fiance's mom and other family lives here too. so he's here alot w/his kids.
I provide for my son. i've worked all my life and my last company for 11 years. he has a college fund setup and his future is good. I have made great choices in investments and savings. my son's inheritance is good between me, his dad, and both sets of grandparents.
and we have a prenup that my house and investments are left to my son if anything happens to me.
thank you. yes I agree, the
thank you. yes I agree, the future, after being married a while and hte kids are use to me being their stepmom, and I probably wouldn't have an issue or problem with it. As long as it's expected all the time. It's just too soon for me honestly. i would feel uncomfortable.