Boyfriend over protective of D.
This site has been a wonderful find!
Right now I'm at a point where I'm wondering if its time for me to move on, or stick it out with my b.f. of 2 yrs.
My B.F. (K), has 2 daughters- T(13) & M(11). I have 1 daughter, L(12) and son H(10).
K is WAY over protective of older daughter. He makes excuses for every thing about her, in a weird way.
Both girls look like boys. short hair, boys clothes, dont own any typical 'girl' toys. K says thats the way their mom is raising them.. but he only buys them boy stuff also. this is issue 1.
Issue 2- he was getting his 'emotional' support from his kids befor he met me.. snuggles with them, would sleep with them when they spent the night. They have their own room, but only use his room- suitcases in there, change in there...
3. His oldest- T, has asthma, and is overweight. now T has been to the hospital 3 times in 5 months... once for nemonia, once because she was 'peeing' her pants, and not meaning to... drs. couldn't find anything wrong, except maybe a small bladder.. so did a minor surgery. now, she is extremely constipated, has had 3 enemas and gone to a specialist... and continues to eat junk.. or just eat to be eating... K, T, and I went 2 weeks ago to the Y to encourage T to excersize some.. she did some, half heartedly, and after wards asked for money to get a snack! She told dad she would get a granola bar or something.. mind you, she had JUST had an enema 2 days before for being constipated.. She got chips, and her dad let her have them!!!! If it had been me, and my kids- first I would have told them NO to a snack, and if I had let them, and they got some junk they weren't supposed to have, I would have just thrown it in the trash, instead of letting them eat it! Now he went with his ex, to a specialist 4 hrs away.. they rode/ drove together, and stayed in a hotel(seperate rooms), and went shopping and out to eat together. He gets along with his ex.- she cheated on him, and he says he would never go back to her and all that..
I beleive all that, but if your D wants you to be married again to her mom, and keeps getting 'sick' and both of her parents keep coming together at the drs. and hospitals every time.. HELLO!!! not very good emotionally for the child.
Diagnosis from the specilist- a sensitive bowel.. and she needs to eat better and excersize more.. wow. no kidding- I've told him the same thing nicely, but they still need to go to an overpriced specialist to hear that? and spend money on hotels, and driving and eatting out...
4. T has said she doesn't want dad to remarry. 5 months ago, he started talking about marrying me.
5. He implys he's broke often, but when it comes to T, there is never a limit to the spending. out to eat, she orders the most expensive thing on the menu. 6 people on a limited budget.. but dad never tells her no. He will tell M, his younger daughter no. a
5. Oddest of all- I have a son- and he says he never really wanted a son- but he treats his girls like boys...
6. Today was T's first day in 3 weeks back at school. She went to Basketball practice, and passed out. K calls me very concerned that something MUST be wrong for her to pass out. HELLO!! shes been sitting at home in front of the t.v. and Xbox for 3 weeks, and now she goes back and runs alot... I think she has issues, caused by parents, and its coming out as 'illnesses'.. for her parents to come together and worry over her.
7. K doesn't allow his girls to talk about problems or feelings. They have to 'suck it up' and be 'tough'...
So.. this all sounds not so good, as I write it..
He's a really nice guy in general, responsible, caring. and things were mostly fine, and we could talk about everything until now. When it was issues with my kids.. talked about it. and found solutions.. now, its his kid, and when I imply I think she needs some therapy, which he has made 2 appts. for, and had to cancel twice because T would get sick and need to go to the dr. or hosp... He says he's working on the therapy thing.. but I'm begining to feel like he's afraid he will have to start being a parent, and deal with some of his own issues.
Do I give it some time, and a chance? Whats a decent length of time to give it? Or do I cut my losses and time given, and move on?
Is it normal for big differences in parenting styles?
We have discussed parenting, and agreed that there should be the same 'rules' for both sets of kids... I'm beginning to think he's forgotten this.
Any advice would be helpful!!!
Thanks!
Jeni
Hmmm...
Well, first off the bat, to me it's funny how this child can be carted to every doctor than the one that would suit her best... a therapist.
I think it's awful that the children are not allowed to express their feelings. I think that's a reflection of their father, rather than the father wanting them to truelly 'suck it up'... they're little girls!
I think the length of time depends on how strong of a person you are and how willing you are to guide this man. It isn't uncommon for different parenting perspectives to clash, but it's pretty obvious with this one that somewhere you have to come up with a stable environment for these children.
As for the girls, acting/looking like boys. Why don't you spend some girlie time with them? Take them shopping and let them pick out a girlie outfit? Get pedicures and manicures every once and awhile. At first they may be alittle hesitant and not really know what to do or expect, but after a couple of trips, they may enjoy it with you. They only know what they have been taught. It will also build a good bond with you... one that obviously isn't being shared by anyone else.
I was a Tomboy growing up, but I loved it when Grandma took me and bought dresses, got my hair done, etc. I would roll my eyes, and whine/complain, but when I got home, I secretly would put that pretty little pink or purple dress on and dance in the mirror. I of course didn't want anyone to see me! lol.
Also, the boy factor is a way to hide inner feelings. A numbing mechanism. Girls are emotional, boys are taught not to be. So, it may be BF's way to groom them to be 'tough'- the only way he knows how, since he's a guy and that's what guys teach each other.
The most important factor is that these children are learning to bottle up their feelings. They are being taught that what they think and feel isn't valid. Instead, they should be allowed to talk about it, learn from it, how to cope or come up with solutions, rather than just being people-pleasers. This can lead to all sorts of emotional, physical addictions and ailments.
Communication is the best thing that is called for. Perhaps you can be the one to open the door for the girls, and encourage them to speak about how they are feeling. If BF just dissmisses or does not validate their feelings, than point out how would he feel if he was just told that to him when he has a real issue to talk about and no one listened. These children are not being listened to, so maybe you can mediate between them and BF.
Sounds like T needs to be
Sounds like T needs to be the center of her daddy's attention. Step Mom has good advice about girlie time, but be very careful about that. If the mother is really raising them to be boyish, it could cause problems.