Escalating problems with Boyfriend's Daughter
I am living with my Boyfriend and he has an 8yr old Daughter from his marriage. He is dovrcing right now. I used to get on with his wife and daughter however when divorce proceedgs started wife started speaking negatively about me and boyfriend in earshot of daughter. Daughter has never slept in her own bed in her life. Always with Parents. I got her to once and it was great. When she sleepsover at ours her and Dad sleep together in spare room. She sleeps with her mum all the time (also at grandparents too). Sometimes Dad sleeps at ex marital home in ex marital bed with daughter which must be confusing for her and obviously I deteste this. I used to get on so much with daughter however everyone (including her parents) admit she is manipulative and lies about me (wife DOES believe the lies). I feel so alone and hard done by. My boyfriend does nothing as he wants an easy life!! I love him to bits. What can I do?
Are you sure you want to live with someone going
through a divorce? One thing that I would never do again...is date someone that doesn't have their divorce already done. I dated my dh, and he didn't have a parenting plan over his son, he and his ex gf just broke up (2 years before I came into the picture), she moved out, and kept the baby.
If there is one thing I would strongly advise anyone is, pick people to date/live with that already have their lives in order to accept a new partner. If I were to do one thing all over with my dh, I would have told him, establish your parenting plan, then I will live you (I would have dated him, I just wouldn't have lived with him). I would never go through that again.
I know you love this person immensely, but he isn't divorced. This is his business, and from my experience, it isn't yours to get involved with, and it is truly unfair for him to burden you with the nastiness of divorce preceedings, which you are experiencing. If he loves you, he will get his divorced resolved without burdening you with his problems, and then he can fully devote building a life with you.
Great Advice
Not to mention it can seal your fate with the relationship with his kids, or family. Theres enough problems as it is, but dating a married guy is never good. I think after people divorce its not a bad idea to wait a year, just to be single and deal with the changes. Too many rebound relationships happen during that time.
What do you want to do?
Is the status quo what you had hoped for in life? Do you think your love will sustain you through everything that lies ahead? What do you deserve? Lots to ask yourself.
It is always difficult when people add before they subtract. You dh would be far better off getting his own life in order before adding you the mix. This just adds to the confusion and tension and, of course, begins something new before the old relationship and all of the feelings around it are completely over. Has he had time to deal with his past and have some closure?
This is a very difficult situation, Scottish, and you deserve someone who can put you in the forfront of his life.
Ouch!
I'm a mom of two, stepmom of three... ages 3-15. First, children should sleep in their own beds. Our youngest is three and she still comes in sometimes in the middle of the night. We snuggle with her for a few minutes, but promptly send her packing. There will be times when they need you at night, such as illness and the like, but they don't need to be sleeping with their parents, especially as old as eight. To me, this is the biggest problem. If it were me, knowing what I know now about my own situation, I would take a step back and be on your own until the divorce is final. Not saying break up with your boyfriend, but I wouldn't live with him until it's all over. Date him, see him when you and he can spend some alone time together, but separate yourself from the mother permamently and from the daughter temporarily, until your situation with her father can become more permanent. But I would certainly tell him that you will not share his bed until she stops sharing it. It's unhealthy.
~ Anne ~
bedtime
My boyfriend also has a 6 year old daughter that he lets sleep in bed with us. Everything that I've read says that she is old enough to sleep in her own bed. I think he enjoys having her sleep there. His ex did not give him as much custody as he wanted, and he misses his daughter when she is not there. However, she is getting very big and she kicks and snores in her sleep. This prevents me from being able to sleep. My boyfriend will let me sleep on the couch before he will tuck his daughter back into her own bed. When I asked him about this he said that he did not want to reject her. This is driving me insane & I have since stopped sleeping over when the child is there. However, now I am starting to resent feeling banished from the house when she comes over. Is there anything I can do?
You are not alone! This is
You are not alone! This is the same situation I am in. Only daughter is 7 getting ready to turn 8 and sleeping in the same bed thing, I am not too sure about. Is it healty? He won't put her in her bed. He lets her sleep with him everynight he has her which is Tuesday, Thursday, and every other weekend. Is this normal? I finally got my own apartment because of this issue and also, want his daughter to morally respect me and be able to experience a healthy, stable, relationship, and see how a man should love, respect and treat a woman but, I am starting to feel alittle uncomfortable. When we should be spending ejoyable time as a couple,and when his daughter is not around it has caused heated arguments. I love him and do not know what to do either. Looking for advice too!
Bedtime
You are not alone! This is the same situation I am in. Only daughter is 7 getting ready to turn 8 and sleeping in the same bed thing, I am not too sure about. Is it healthy? He won't put her in her bed. He lets her sleep with him everynight he has her which is Tuesday, Thursday, and every other weekend. Is this normal?
No, this is not normal
Yoy may want to look at my blog where back aways I blogged about SD coming into our bed early in the mornings and snuggling in. It made me very uncomfortable. As far as I was / am concerned our bed is a place of intimacy for us and SD does not belong. I got some good responses and advice you may be interested in reading. I expressed my feelings about this to DH and he put a stop to SD getting in our bed. It's much better now and she has learned to respect our bedroom as off limits (except in case of illness at night, of course).
One more thing
SD is WAAAAAY too old at ~ 8 to be sleeping in her parent's bed, in my opinion. Maybe a young child would be a little more understandable, although even then it's a bad precedent to be setting. At what point does she stop? 11, 14, 18? It's only going to become harder for her to sleep on her own the older she gets. I think this is also starting to get kind of weird at this age. It won't be much longer she will be developing and then what? I would stop it now. Just my thoughts.
Dee
We don't have the same bed
We don't have the same bed problem but instead same bathroom. Swins started using master bath at age 5 after divorce so DH could watch TV & supervise, they are now 12 & although we married almost a year ago I just now got them out of MY bathroom. Price tag was $3,000. Had to redo the hallbath. Swins never said thanks or Wow! Just made the switch when DH told them to. Only been a week but now I can stay in bed or take shower coz swins aren't coming in MY bedroom to get to the master bath anymore. Funny how the things/rights SM's take for granted are sorely tested by stepkids, BM, DH and I'm assertive so this stuff is hard for me. Without remodel DH wouldn't have switched them that's for sure.
This causes fights
I am experiencing the middle-of-the-night bedroom intruding with my soon to be 6 yr. old SS. First of all, DH sees no problem with this, even though I sometimes only sleep in my underwear or even nude if the mood is right. This makes me so angry that I'll get up and go sleep on the couch. Why is this an ongoing issue? No matter how many times I mention how uncomfortable I am with this, all DH does is try to make me feel guilty of not liking his son. This is definately not the case, although I have a few issues with how DH raises SS and let's SS have the last say in a lot of situations where children should not have the final say. I thought I could tolerate this bedroom issue because SS is only over for the weekends but I can't handle it. I don't feel like i should give up but i guess I'm not expressing myself to DH in a manner that will get this resolved before it ruins our relationship and bedroom activities. Help me please!