First time post- input please
My divorce was final (finally) a few months ago. It wasn't a nasty divorce but it was gut-wrenching. I have two girls 11 and 17 ( she is technically my SD but to me she is mine). I have been dating a young woman and it's seemed like we all got along great. At some point though the 17 stopped coming to visit with no real explanation. Now my 11 is becoming distant and seems uncomfortable. I'm beginning to think they don't like my GF and yes it was stupid on my part to introduce them so soon. Got that. I've asked the kids and I get nothing back to indicate they don't like her. But the GF and I argue often about our parenting styles. I used to be pretty tough but I've softened and am more laid back, I try to hear what my kids are saying and be open and approachable about anything. My GF doesn't like them (but says she loves them), thinks they are spoiled ( not by me), lack discipline and refers to them with pretty nasty names (not to their faces, but when she is angry it's pretty mean), says my youngest is fat and is a space cadet. She blew up at me last night because she says D11 pushed past her to get into the bathroom...a week ago and demands an apology. Every issue the GF has had with the kids I've addressed and handled but it is getting too much. My kids come first, they are good kids, kind hearted and I know they are still working out the big changes.
Here is my dilemma: I have a really hard time when the GF refers to D11 as a f-ing b*tch and other choice names. Even if they are not the perfect kids, they are still mine and it's not acceptable. And I don't parent the same way the GF does-I am firm but respectful, laid back and make sure that I address the behavior not the person. It has taken me years of practice to be comfortable and at peace with my parenting. Bottom line is... My friends hate her, my mother hates her, my ex and ex-in laws don't like her and I'm worrying my kids don't either...and they might be right? Am I wrong in that calling my kids names, even if not to their face, is still a major foul and should be the end of the relationship? Am I doing further harm to my kids by continuing this relationship? And what would it be like to marry this girl and start a family? :jawdrop: and BTW I'm not perfect, I have my own issues to work out and I keep trying to work on myself and have some peace in my life. So now what? The holidays have SUCKED so far. 
Thanks for reading and happy new year!
I stopped reading past the
I stopped reading past the part of your regret at introducing them so early, and your daughter pushing past gf to get to the bathroom. I don't know if you are shacking up or not, but if you regret the early intro, then why are they still having all this contact? You CAN go back. The kids don't need to be around the gf, and if you are already living together, you got bigger problems to worry about.
I couldn't deal with the
I couldn't deal with the name-calling. That might be a deal-breaker for me. As much as my husband's children deserve the many varied and colorful nasty names I have for them, he doesn't ever hear them come out of my mouth. I would be deeply hurt if he chose to refer to my children with profanity and nasty names. What he says in his head, to his friends, etc. to vent and cope? Not my business. But to my face? I couldn't tolerate that. I also know that kids need way more time than they usually get to deal with new relationships after their parents divorce.
Therapy seldom hurts anyone. Usually helps everyone. Might be something to look into. Good luck.
I think you should have
I think you should have considered whether or not you would want to marry this woman prior to introducing her to your children. FDH introduced me to SD at almost five months but only because we already knew that we wanted married to be outcome of our relationship. I notice you refer to your GF as "girl" is there a considerable age difference? Lastly, I have never referred to my SD in any type of name calling, clearly this is a big red flag, but as others have already said, it sounds as though you have much bigger issues to work through. Good luck.
Thanks I appreciate this. We
Thanks I appreciate this. We we really wanted to get married but somewhere it's going off the rails and I'm trying to figure what is best for me, my kids . I really love her but I'm struggling with the name calling and anger issues. Again, thanks.
I appreciate the advice, even
I appreciate the advice, even the rough stuff as there is a kernel of truth in all of it. I was always the disciplinarian, worked three jobs and tried to be as available as I could while still try to teach manners and respect. It has been a breath of fresh air to be able to step back and not have to be so hard anymore. But as a father and parent I probably do suck despite my best efforts. Thanks for everyone's insights.
Anything ever raised as an
Anything ever raised as an upset was handled, addressed and fixed in deference to her. Her complaint is that I always take the kids' side. But I hear what she says and address it. Holding onto an alleged slight for a week then letting loose out of the blue is frustrating but part of the pattern. I'm trying to figure out if I'm just a jerk that can't get things right , she is just too controlling and demanding or we are a toxic pair altogether. But I get what you are saying and you are spot on about fear of losing my kids. Thanks again.
Just for future reference, as
Just for future reference, as soon as I was divorced, I decided my children would not meet anyone I was dating until I knew marriage was a probability. Dating and raising children are two different parts of life that should remain separate. Take this time as a single dad to develop a good strong relationship with your kids. My EH introduced my children to his GF's (and their kids) constantly, and it was super annoying. My DD would wet the bed just before they'd break up, and he'd move on to the next. I believe it was 7 relationships in the course of 3 years. The one he lives with now is still with him, and the kids seem to get along with her and her kids well enough, and I take no personal problems with them. However, I know how EH is, and I see him being WAY too hard on her kids, so really it's only a matter of time before she decides she doesn't want to put up with it anymore.
Bottom line, keep dating and parenting separate. Give yourself a good long time to be single. Your girls don't have much longer before they embark on their own lives, and whether they come back to see you as adults will be set up how you handle this now. Take a little care into WHO you bring into their lives. You know how critical you are of their boyfriends, and wanting to make sure this jerk they're with isn't in it to take advantage, or break their heart? You need to use that critical eye on anyone you date when you even consider bringing her to meet your girls. If you want to just date and keep it away from them, then great, you don't have to worry about it, but as soon as you think you're ready for an introduction, you need to look at it from protective daddy lenses.
Sueu, I think the trickiest
Sueu,
I think the trickiest part in second marriages is the transition between "marriage is first" and "kids are first". In a healthy marriage, the marriage comes first, and the parents want what's best for the kids. Once divorce occurs (at least for me) I instantly transitioned to "Kids first." When I dated my husband, it was still "kids first" but once we got married, I had to go back. The trick to all of this was DH and I had to ensure that we both agree that our bottom line is we want what's best for all of our kids. And one of the best things a kid can have is watching a healthy marriage in their home so they learn it themselves. Ultimately, "marriage comes first" is in the best interests of the child, as long as you haven't married a selfish asshole.
Of course there will be friction here and there, and patience of relationships to evolve from play-dating to actually living together...but ultimately, we do put our marriage first, and maintain "what's best for the kids."
It hasn't been a smooth transition either. But, as long as we remember to take those steps back, take deep breaths and remember the mantra, everything seems to always get better.
first of all I applaud your
first of all I applaud your thoughtfulness and desire to do the right thing. a lot of dads wouldn't even realize their daughters were pulling away, nor care about their feelings.
I think the breakup is inevitable and you have the opportunity to save your relationship with your girls now. keep it going with the foul mouthed last and you'll end up losing them all.
and if everyone you know hates her... kick her out now.
Name calling like that is a
Name calling like that is a deal breaker. I abhor my ss15 and have some truly legitimate reasons to feel that way not because of his physical characteristics or because of something like bumping into me in the hall. Quite frankly my dh does not like him either and currently has no relationship with him- in spite of that I still would not walk around calling him an effing basturd to my dh. Or tto anyone except perhaps in my head. It's a matter of respecting my dh. Your gf is showing you major disrespect. Not to mention the nightmare actually making her the girls stepmother would be with the way she already feels about them.
I don't even want to think
I don't even want to think about what my husband would do if I called either of his daughters a f*%^ing bitch. That is just uncalled for. And she's 11? Both of my SD's are adults (and one of them is a bitch) and I still don't say it out loud (to him, anyway).
The GF may think she's spoiled, maybe she even thinks she's a brat but referring to her as a f*%^ing bitch? My husband would go ballistic and he knows his daughters aren't perfect.
If she has anger issues, it is probably only a matter of time before she is saying these things TO your daughter and not just about her.
If NOBODY likes her, there might just be a reason for concern.
So when are you (or her)
So when are you (or her) moving out? You want to listen to this bitch bad mouth your children for the rest of your life? For ten more minutes?
Nope on New Years day you move to a motel and start looking for an apartment.
Never would I personally
Never would I personally stoop as low as to call my SD names. Its childish... Sure to myself maybe, but NEVER would I share! Especially to FDH. Just the same if he were to call my DD names. It truly shows your GF's maturity level. I mean your DD is a CHILD!
For me it would be a deal breaker... Absolutely. It just takes one time of your GF venting to you and your DD to over hear, or worse, your GF not being able to keep her composure and say it to her face.
It would just take once for me, and as soon as those dirty words about MY kids came out of FDH's mouth I'd be gone. It is very immature of her.
Duplicate............Duplicat
Duplicate............Duplicate............Duplicate............
It is interesting that your
It is interesting that your GF is far more juvenile than your daugthers are. I have to side with the kids on this one. Your GF is immature and I do not blame your daughters for not wanting to be around your GF.
You say you work hard on your own issues and to live a positive life. Your GF is a toxic influence on you and on your daughters. They know it and so do you.
Though your GF may not use the abusive titles towards your girls in their presence they obviously are astute enough to pick up on how much your GF detests them and they stay away. No relationship is worth the toxic and manipulative crap that you seem to be tolerating from your GF.
Sure, Skids are difficult. Any kid can be, even Bio Kids. However, the onus is on the adult to behave as an adult and no child should be the target of the kind of subversive abusive and profane crap that your GF practices against your kids. Yes, pushing past someone to get the bathroom is rude. 11yo children can be rude and most people who have ever been 11 have been rude at some point when they were 11.
Maybe you should take some direction from your kids on your GF. They seem to see very clearly what you are not acting on when it comes to GF.
I am rarely one to advise putting kids above the adult relationship in any family situation. However, sometimes it truly is the adult partner that is the toxic influence and occassionally the kids do get it right. It is our job as adults and as parents to know the right thing and when to do it.
Good luck.