Hitting and spanking... and just venting...
Hello,
I'm 25/m and my significant other is 25/f (not married). Her daughter is 7 will be 8 not before long. I have no children, but I love my girlfriend very much.
I'm living with her during the summers as we are currently in different states while going to school and finishing our respective programs.
Lately I have been trying to help my girlfriend out and be a bigger part by watching her daughter instead of the typical set up where she'd run off next door at night to Grandma's house and I wouldn't have to 'deal with her' so to speak.
Her daughter isn't stupid and is a cute kid, but she apparently has some mild form of Autism. In this case, she has obsessive compulsions; things have to be exact sometimes or she gets upset.
I didn't specifically ask to be put in the position of watching her but didn't really see a problem with it. Just put her to bed, get her stuff to eat, play some games with her (I enjoy playing video games with her and teaching them to her, actually), easy right? Nope...
The problem is that her behavior is horrible with me. I am extremely nice and good to her but she pulls what she does with everyone on me: do obnoxious things and then refuse to always listen when an adult says "stop it."
Basically it's like she's testing me and I'm losing the battle. And here's the reason everyone, including her grandmother has told me: it's because I won't hit her. I'll threaten to take the computer away from her, tell her to stop or I won't do thing X or Y for her later, and she'll cry a little, but she'll still try to defy me ten minutes later. She fears her mother which is why "Or I'll tell mommy" seems to have some effect because her mom will spank her or slap her.
I was raised differently; I was never spanked or hit as a child. Obviously I wasn't perfect, but when my mother or father was stern and told me "no" I listened. I guess I am trying to raise her the way my parents raised me - things were taken away when we were bad during times like that - but it's just not working and I'm having a hard time getting over it.
The last week has been rough, she's become a real pain in the ass since school has ended. At school they have permission to spank her as well and it tends to keep her in check. I find myself yelling at her every day, and she's been hit every day too by my girlfriend.
I fight with her daughter every single day about things like staying OFF the kittens for example and not abusing them, not screeching like a moron, being patient and waiting for a second while I get her something, picking up her things, not hanging on me while I am trying to get work done. Today my girlfriend woke up three times to spank her for being a brat to me because I was yelling at her in the kitchen.
Tonight just simply getting her a snack and putting her to bed went to hell because she wouldn't quit touching my mouse, then screwed with the kittens again and after I told her to stop abusing them she just flat out ignored me, threw one, and I lost it. I grabbed her by the arm and told her I was going to beat her stupid ass (but of course not really) for being a little piece of **** to the cats over and over and I just started to drag her to bed. Of course she whined "NOOOO" and her mother came out and spanked her hard.
I feel terrible that it looks like I'm going to have to start spanking and hitting this little girl because she just doesn't listen, and it's getting worse. The absolute rage inside me against a 7 year old child tonight, to put it into words, scared me a bit too. Am I over-reacting or do you all feel comfortable with spanking/slapping/hitting step kids?
You and the mom both need
You and the mom both need parenting classes. ASAP.
Get those kittens out of
Get those kittens out of there too. Anyone who abuses animals already has a serious issue.
Yeah, I HIGHLY suggest
Yeah, I HIGHLY suggest parenting classes for both of you STAT.
One thing I learned with a
One thing I learned with a ADHD kid is they don't learn from mistakes or punishment of any sort. Maybe its the same with Asperger's which by the way doesn't sound mild to me.
As the others have said someone, maybe Grandma, needs to take care of the cats and Mama should be spayed. Millions of animals are killed every year in "shelters" across the US and Canada. Don't add more.
Was Grandma handling the kid OK? Maybe that's your solution. If you're living in a university town it wouldn't surprise me if there are classes on caring for Asperger's children and certainly there are generic parenting and anger classes.
The reason that everyone's
The reason that everyone's suggesting parenting classes is because hitting doesn't work. That's why every keeps doing it. More and more spanking/hitting and more and more bad behaviour. So it doesn't make sense to keep doing something that isn't getting results.
Right now life is set up to be a fight. And somebody, usually the largest person, wins. After a big drama. So it's time to change the game to avoid the battle.
What you need is structure. It's not easy. But you can do it.
Whoa HollowPoints - the guy
Whoa HollowPoints - the guy said the kid *may* have some mild form of autism. From the rest of his post, I totally don't believe that there's been any kind of appropriate diagnosis. If there had been, there's no way smacking the kid was recommended as behavioural therapy. In my opinion, based solely on what was said above and my own personal judgement, someone somewhere made up an excuse for the kid's behaviour and the adult's responses.
Other than the kid definitely having autism, every single other word you wrote I agree with 100%.
Okay, thanks all of you for
Okay, thanks all of you for replies. I wanted to edit my original rambling post but it seems this board doesn't allow edits, so I'll just post this here.
I will definitely look into such classes even if I can find lectures on video to watch. I hadn't even really thought about it.
I should have been more clear about this because there's confusion - spanking [b]is[/b] the only thing that [i]"works."[/i] She tries the same tricks on her mother and grandmother. When they tell her to quit, it's still a struggle, but the daughter listens far better to them than me. Their approach is a lot less nice, which is why if I tell her "I'm going to tell mommy" it works sometimes. She fears them and not me. I'm told "nothing works but this unfortunately, you can't let her run you over."
The reason she's gotten to the point of spanking is because she pulls **** with me and it ends up being a fight, and her mother has to come out and discipline her for acting out on an adult. So essentially I'm also being blamed here for not "disciplining consistently." They say she knows she can run me over and she won't get hit, so she pushes the boundaries.
As for the kittens - they are going a week or so anyway to new homes and the mother cat is being spayed, so that will end that. Neither of the cats are mine. I used the situation only to highlight how things are right now. The fact that she won't listen about not "abusing" these animals makes both her mom and myself angry. If it wasn't the kittens, it would likely be something else. IMO the kittens should have been removed from this home and sent to grandma's house but they have dogs and couldn't deal with it.
All of this bothers me because it does, in fact, appear that the only thing she is afraid of corporal punishment. And for obvious reasons I don't feel comfortable just whacking her, even though I have been given permission to do so.
In addition to the parenting
In addition to the parenting classes, you and Mom both need some therapy in regards to how to deal with an autistic child. ("Therapy" might not be the word I'm looking for. But I know there are classes, workshops, doctors, etc who deal specifically with how to discipline and raise an autistic child.)
You say that spanking "works" because she's afraid of her mom. I would respectfully submit to you that you could make the same argument for burning her with cigarettes. She'd be afraid of mom and would modify her behavior - for mom, although not across the board. Doesn't mean you should start doing it too.
I'd also point out that it almost certainly is NOT "the only thing that works". It's probably the most convenient option they've tried, and the one requiring the least parenting effort. That doesn't mean that there aren't OTHER options to explore, just that they might be more work and that no one has tried them yet. Sucks to be a parent sometimes. I get that you (and definitely Mom) are frustrated by this behavior, but don't make the mistake of putting blinders on and saying "well, if we make her afraid of us then we can temporarily scare her into submission" and not bother to look for other options. When it comes to autistic children, unfortunately, it's a LOT of work and takes some creativity. Get some help with that.
Lastly, you don't say where bio dad is in this picture, but be very, very careful. You are on very shaky legal ground when it comes to corporal discipline. You say the school spanks, so I'm guessing you're in TX where it's a bit different, but around here a step parent (and certainly a non-married girl/boy friend!) could be easily brought up on child abuse charges for that by the other bio parent.
I am a firm proponent of
I am a firm proponent of corporal punishment. But even I have an issue with this situation. One thing that is unequivocal is that losing your temper with a kid serves no positive purpose and if you, your GF, and grand ma are this close to the edge of blowing your stack and she is receiving daily spankings then something has to change.
A spanking is acceptable but hitting and beating are something else entirely and are never acceptable.
I am no expert at dealing with special needs children but structure and consistency make sense to me. Corporal punishment has a place in the structure and consistency but not on nearly as regular a basis as this kid is receiving.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.