How do I tell my child
Hello everyone. I'm new on this site and hope that I can be as of much help to someone else and maybe someone could help me as we trudge along the step journey.
Up until now (6 yrs), I felt that we were doing okay as a blended family despite the many, many bumps in the road, mostly thrust upon us via the BM.
I brought two children (boys)to the marriage and he brought two (girls). The kids truly care for one another and we've been so happy at how well they blended. The kidlets now range in age from 11 to 17. We would love to have one of our own but finances are not great and my eggs are probably near expired anyhow, lol. Oh well.
Anyhow, we have a problem. Big problem that's near ripping our hearts to pieces and don't know how to deal with it. We feel so lost and while my DH is putting on his brave face by day, at night when he thinks I'm sleeping, I hear the sniffles. DH fell behind on CS by a couple of months but now is caught up. Like I said, finances are not great and we're really trying our best here to the point of selling belongings and borrowing from family. Court case is coming in Aug to adjust his CS in line with the table amounts. Plus it didn't help that there was a screw up somewhere and has been overpaying. Ugh, mess.
As a result of all this, his girls have been turned against him in a split second. I never ever saw two kids go from loving to hateful so fast!! Holy toledo!! They now are calling him names like, pathetic loser that can't pay his CS on time.....idiot....jerk.
The BM actually showed all court documents to these girls and said we can't afford this and that because your father isn't paying. The BM in reality, is way better off than we are right now so I don't get it. And like I said, DH is caught up now but come the court case, CS should be reduced somewhat so maybe this is why she feels threatened???
The kids no longer want to come over and haven't been here in a month. My youngest boy is questioning why his step sisters aren't coming anymore.....how do I tell him without making it sound so ugly??? What words do I choose??? He's 11. My oldest, 17, knows much of it and thinks it's disgusting. He's actually giving up all kinds of plans with friends (and you know how important they are) to hang out with his stepdad. He hates to see family hurting.
I'm at a loss at how to keep it all together around here and feel so teary-eyed all the time.
Thanks for reading and for any suggestions you might have.
Some of the more recent books
Some of the more recent books actually say that you SHOULD let the kids know the truth, at an age appropriate level.
Read Divorce Poison.
Thank you for the book
Thank you for the book suggestion. My library is bringing it in for me.
I did tell my son just about everything in the end. He listened quietly and was rather thoughtful while I was explaining (shoulda seen the facial expressions). His remark afterwards was "well, they're missing out and that's not normal because families don't treat each other like that." I asked if he had any questions and he didn't. He may have some later but we will cross those bridges as they come. He definitely misses them though and I'm sure it's the same for my stepkids whether they would admit it or not.
Right now, I'm just refusing to believe that they hate their dad as much as they're claiming to right now. I just can't fathom it.
This whole thing just sucks.
Blender, thanks for the
Blender, thanks for the reply. I'm so sorry for your friend and her DH!
This really has me worried now. I guess money is truly the root of all evil....I totally get that now.
Your suggestion actually works and I only hope little man doesn't try to dig deeper,lol.
If we ever get the girls back, I don't want him feeling weird around them and questioning them.
Both of my SDs, how do you say it, prefer their mother over my DH. I guess because they live with her right so that's fine and to be expected. The younger one however has always been more obvious about it and to be honest, interacts with me sparingly....very much a closed book. She feels disloyal to BM to do otherwise and I caught that cue very early on without her ever having to say a word. I accepted it, never made a fluff about but I still try to engage her with hopes she'll come around and see that I'm pretty cool about things.
My older SD is more open, says what she thinks and more emotional. Naturally, I have felt closer to her and often have thought to myself that I wished she was my own daughter. I truly love this girl and this is why I can't imagine a life without her in it despite the harsh words she uttered to her father recently. Even though my DH's ears heard the words, I still felt like a knife went through my own heart so for DH must be way worse.
It feels like we've had a death in the house and we are grieving.
I hope BM is happy with the damage she has inflicted on those kids.
I haven't called her a bad name yet, but maybe about time hey? lol
Thank you to you too,
Thank you to you too, considering_marriage!
I look at my younger son and see myself when I was his age. I didn't really understand the workings of the world at 11....heck I didn't even know about popular music and videos til I was 13.....weird eh? lol I think I'm going to skirt as much of the heavy stuff as possible but if he persists then, I may have to go a tad deeper with info.
My ex-husband and me have done our best to keep our sons out of the adult side of divorce & custody bs so I don't want to undo what I worked so hard to maintain. But then again, my kids could know more than i think they do. You're right, they are much smarter in ways than we ever were in the old days.
I want to express my
I want to express my admiration of your writing skill and ability to make reader to read the while thing to the end