Just can't force myself to like step sons
I just need to get this off my chest and complain because I really have no where else to vent. But, I've known my step kids for 5 years since they were 5 and 3. I really thought that I would grow to love them; unfortunately, that is definitely not the case. I will say that they're really good boys and listen to what my wife and I have to say, but I just don't care too much for them. The oldest one is much better I must say. I definitely like him a lot more as he's an easier kid to deal with. The youngest one is just freaking annoying. Here's a list of things I can't stand about him:
1. He's whiney.
2. He has an inferiority complex and ends up crying all the time. I used to take them out to play sports, but I just gave up because he would start whining about how he's not as good or big as his brother. Anyway, he would just end up crying.
3. He can't figure out anything/think for himself and needs to have things done for him.
4. He's such a slow eater and messy eater. Some times it takes him an hour and half to eat dinner. There are times when he has to be fed.
5. He's clumsy as hell. He broke our front window because he was leaning on a music stand.
6. When I taking him to hockey practice, he walks so damn slow and I repeatedly have to ask him to speed up.
7. This one is entirely my problem, but they're the "ahh isn't that cute", gentle kids and mommy's type boys.
8. Whenever he plays video games and the slightest thing goes wrong, he bangs the mouse, controller or whatever device is in his hand.
I live with them as their father is in China and has moved on in his life. Like I said they're good kids, and I try to mentor them; I just don't love them. I really don't want to have anything to do with them most of the time just let them play video games or whatever. I guess I'm just selfish. Anyway, rant off and flame me if you want.
Thanks
At times, I think he's ok and
At times, I think he's ok and don't mind him. But then he starts whining or doing things that annoy me, and then I just can't stand him anymore and the negative thoughts just come back. I'm just going to have to tolerate him for another 10 years haha. Thanks for the response.
I have to admit when I first
I have to admit when I first came into my step kids lives they did they SAME crap! I was the most annoying thing ever! I hate whinny kids! They cry at the drop of a hat. Also we can't play sports with out them crying either. They bm cuddles them way too much. The list you have is the same as all my step sons. And the one about not being able to think and having to have things done for them drives me bonkers! I tell them you have a brain use it! Mine are 14,13, and 10. When mine were under 9 they could make their own breakfast (I taught them b/c they wanted to and are very independent, mom said I was the way) and clean their own rooms and help with dishes and things. My step sons never did any of that till I came and then they only do it here!
However I will tell you it gets better they now know how to do these things. The only major problem we have now is how slow they are to get ready for bed and their no concept of time. Which means we can't go to bed and trust that they can go to bed when we tell them. plus they are all over the house screaming and hollering, They are NOT quiet! I kept working with them and dh about this.
Oh and manners is a biggie for me, they have NO manners at all! I have been working on them, they got some but still.
anyway my point is that if you start working on them I'm sure they will get better. good luck.
My ss doesn't whine or really
My ss doesn't whine or really do any of the things on your list, yet it is still hard for me to fully love him. I pray that I could to him to make things easier. When I start to feel a bond with him it seems he brings drama into my and my husbands lives when he tells things to his mom just to get her riled up at us. He brags about his stepdad to my husband which hurts his feelings and tells people that his dad doesn't play with him that much which is sad because he plays with him all the time. When we try to do fun things with him he says things like, "I wish we did something else". His mom and gma treat him like a king so I sometimes wonder if he is becoming spoiled. No, he his spoiled. My point is, it is just hard in general when you have skids. At least you don't have to deal with bioparents, just try your best to teach them to act the way you feel is acceptable. You are who they are looking up to. Anyway,don't feel bad, it's hard being stepparents.
my ss7 has lived with us
my ss7 has lived with us every other week for nearly 3 years. I still can't stand him at all. sad thing is im a Stay at home mom. I want to lock him in his room most days. the sound of his whining at my bed before dawn telling me he's hungry makes me want to kick him back into bed. My daughter sleeps til 7:30 so now we have a rule that I do not hear his voice before then. **I am not a morning person anyway** If I hear him he loses his treasure box award for the day!I cannot stand whining. It is very hard to love a whiner or even like one! Good luck!
You don't have to love your Stepkids, just as long as you don't abuse them in anyway, their basic needs have to be met, but let bio-parents do the loving part of the job. You'll be much happier
Thanks for all of the
Thanks for all of the replies. I'm really encouraged to see that other people can empathize with me. In response to your inquiry Ashley, surprisingly, he's quite popular at school. He only seems to whine at home which is unfortunate for me.
Doesn't it feel good to vent
Doesn't it feel good to vent to people who understand? Haha! I feel the same about my boyfriend's daughter! Except she's not a "good kid". She's a whiny/annoying/bratty drama queen 24/7/365. I know exactly what you mean by not loving them. It's hard to love a child that isn't your own, that you basically resent, that you are so annoyed with that you're to the point of breaking. In my mind...only 10 years and 11 months until I'm done with this whole every other weekend thing. I feel bad for you that you're living with it full time. Go out with friends or find a hobby away from home that you can get away and "chill out". I find that it helps a lot with the stress to do something you enjoy ALONE! Good luck!!
Thanks for the responses.
Thanks for the responses. After spending all summer with them (almost 24/7), dragging them to hockey 3 times a week, violin twice and summer camp, I had an epiphany: that no matter how much they care about me being their dad or how hard I try, I am not emotionally attached to them. Yes, they are obedient and good kids ... that's great, but I'm tired of constantly being asked for permission to do things or think for them.
Now there will be those that say that the altruistic, responsible thing to do is to love them and mentor them as my own. Oh, well. I've tried, but I can't. I will make sure that they do their chores, homework and other reponsibilities, but that is it. If they do poorly with their school work, that's their problem. If all they want to do is play video games all day good for them. I don't care if all they eat is junk food, don't exercise and be fat asses }:) . It's their and their mother's responsibility. Once they turn 18, I will ask them to leave the house and become big boys, prepared or not. I will be nice to them, but I will not try to emotionally engage them. If they ask for my advice or opinion, I will give it to them; however, I will not offer it freely. I've tried to mold them into who I think they should be, but they're their own individuals, and their destiny is their responsibility.
I think that is all anyone
I think that is all anyone can ask of you. You are NOT their parent. You are not responsible for how they turn out. Only your dh and their bm is. You do what you can and willing to do. I do the same btw. I do sometimes talk to my dh about what I think but at the end of the day it is still their responsibility.
I also wanted to say that I wouldn't be carting them around.
Oh man, I think I have your
Oh man, I think I have your kids duplicates living at my house. The 10 year old is quite popular at school, but if you so much as bump into her at home she starts crying. No joke. She bumped her head on a playground we all visited and wouldn't stop crying till her dad started coddling her. It's absolutely disgusting. The 6 year old is even worse. He's started doing raspberries when you tell him something he doesn't like, he stomps his feet, cries if he doesn't get his way, they both demand desert when they haven't even eaten half a meal, they both expect literally THOUSANDS of dollars in gifts for birthdays and holidays... i mean I can't go on because I"m getting irate just thinking about it. Do I love them? I wish I did. I'm trying to. But I don't have to and frankly they don't care if I do. I'm not going to buy the 10 year old new converse when the other pair get dirty, BM will but not me. I won't get the 6 year old a new meal when he drops his on the floor because he decides he doesn't like it. Daddy might, but I say you just lost your meal and any desert. Oh the joys of step kids.
it sounds like you are trying
it sounds like you are trying your best and are banging against the wall of limitations of love for stepkids.
if as you say his father is in china and "has moved on with his life", it could be that the younger son is having a more difficult time with his emotions based on this. how long ago did his father move to china?
although his behaviour sounds incredibly grating, it might be helpful to just try and find a few activities other than video games, that you can do with him where he feels more confident than his older brother.
you have been dealt a difficult hand but if you play the cards right, younger brother will outgrow his whining ways.
I'm trying, but I have my
I'm trying, but I have my limits. I'm finding more and more that I'm ambivalent to them. I do nag them a lot just because I get annoyed with their behavior. One good thing is that they're getting older and maturing, slowly, so that's a good thing. If I could only find a way to make them use their brains and be independent without asking me permission to do everything, that would be awesome. That way they can leave me alone }:).
As for their father, he skipped out when the youngest one turned 2. I really think that he left because he didn't really want to be a father. Also, the youngest was always whinny, difficult and stubborn. I think that was the final nail in the coffin. I don't blame him, kids are not easy and cause a lot of stress.
Anyway, thanks for the help. I put myself in this situation so I have to deal with it. It's just nice to be able to complain about it to somebody without having their feeling hurt.