I'm so sad to even be writing this kind of post. I NEVER thought this would be an issue I had to deal with in my life. This is very long, so get a cup of coffee...I'll try to condense it.

Met husband in 2012. Engaged 9 months after dating. His son was 6 at the time. Husband had been divorced for 4 years. BM had been dating here and there. I was his dad's first and only serious relationship since their divorce. Initially, my now husband had shared that their son had some problems in school. After a while, I began to realize his issues were far more frequent than typical kids. I had nannied, taught pre-school, was a counselor for different ages and served as a mentor for girls in middle school. I had baby sat since I was 14. I am familiar with kids. My mom is also a counselor and I have a big interest in development in children, so there is that, too. I'm no expert, but I'd like to think I'm at least informed. I'm 37 - no spring chicken, either.

We had a pretty good immediate bond and to this day he tells me he loves me and talks very positively to his mom and therapist about me. I moved in about 1 month before we got engaged. There was some adjustment issues but I thought they were small enough that they would be conquered with a few growing pains as time went on. I'm sad to say that I am considering divorce now because things are pretty bad or not any better. And SS actions are now beginning to affect me, despite anything I try or do.

SS is now in 3rd grade. Since I have been in the picture, he has been in trouble in school at least 1x a week. Bad enough that the teachers to send a note home or a call comes from the administrators. He lies so much, I'm not sure what is truth and what is not. He has lied about other people including teachers, me and his dad. I'm sure his mom, too. I used to think maybe since he was a kid, some details were just wrong...they do that. But after awhile, I see first hand he simply lies. He lies to get out of anything and everything, constantly saying "I didn't know!" or "I forgot!". Or tells a lie so big that you just know it isn't true - like someone finding a 1 billion dollar bill. Stuff like that.

Shortly after I moved in and saw more up close, I urged my husband to take him to therapy. Since the BM had control over the psych stuff it was up to her. She drug her feet for months. She finally took him and the first counselor said he needed rules and boundaries. Here's the thing: I have them. But I saw my now husband and BM do not. This all came out in therapy. Husband said over and over he would "try". I don't feel he has tried as hard as he can but there have been some small changes: he now gives consequences (has for about 1.5 year) and we now have house rules posted, thanks to me. We don't know what happens at BM's house because she refuses to discuss anything. When my husband started implementing rules, she wrote very rude emails to him begging him to stop and that he was now "hated" by their son. The therapist encouraged both of them to continue with their rules. However, his teacher in 2nd grade said that he knew very well which parent he could control and admitted to doing it often in school, telling her and his friends. But BM swore up and down that she was giving him rules. It was all really confusing: She gave the rules and consequences supposedly (and wanted them to match exactly at both houses) but then begged my husband to stop giving him rules so he wouldn't be "hated". She is a piece of work herself - lies all the time and does very inappropriate things with SS but today, this is about SS.

More recently, it was brought to our attention by BM that SS had strangled their family dog...TWICE! Immediately we all met with the quack of the second therapist (the first therapist dropped SS for reasons still unknown) and talked about the issue. I took special care to make sure that SS knew that it is ok to express himself...so much so, that I created a "feelings box" that had all kinds of things in it to express feelings. But when I found this out I also became scared.

I'm 37. I do not have children of my own and want them...TODAY. Part of the stress in our life is that DH is wishy washy about having more children because of the issues with SS. Like he thinks he isn't a good dad (that is what he tells me) and wouldn't be a good dad to others. He is also scared that I will divorce him right after we have a baby b/c that is what his ex wife did to him. I have considered leaving only for this reason but now since I'm scared I'm wondering if this isn't the right idea?

I'm scared to have kids around SS. I truly am. Today it was reported that he "accidentally" stabbed another student with a pencil. I reminded my husband that this is 2nd time his son has used a pencil in school inappropriately. The last time, he threatened another student that reported him doing something wrong to the teacher. This is the umpteenth time he has harmed another student, whether it's a fight, an "accident", "playing", etc.

Have I mentioned he is at a new school?! Yep. BM thought running away from their problems would "fix" it all. Instead, he has just picked up right where he left off.

Here are the issues:
- I'm scared to bring a baby into all of this, thus beyond sad b/c I feel like I have to give up MY dreams for someone else's kid. I told my husband that I can see him possibly harming an infant or toddler if he gets mad or frustrated. He admitted to harming the dog and our dog...or at least trying. But our dog is kind of rowdy and basically put him in his place so he said. (YAY!!!!)
- SS speaks to me very rudely. It takes me saying 3-4x to "STOP" before my husband steps in and says something and that's if he's paying attention. More than half the time there is no consequence other than "Don't speak to her that way".
- SS lies to me and his dad. Homework, behavior, items left at his mom or dad's, grades, etc...nothing is off limits.
- BM doesn't seem to really care that any of this is happening. We have tried to send many messages of concern. There is little to no response. He has told the therapist but he does nothing. Since husband has no right to psych services, he can't do anything like take him to another one.
- We went to a new attorney (current attorney is a joke) and they said to try to change his rights we have to wait at least 1 year and then make the request.
- SS and Husband expect me to do everything: laundry, cook, clean, etc. I have cried and begged to my husband for help and he will do only minimal things. He will put laundry on but not fold it. He only cooks if I ask him to. He doesn't expect SS to do anything, even though I encourage it and ask for him to give him some responsibility. Like he is totally fine if he sits around all weekend watching TV...that kind of thing.
- I'm realizing that maybe my husband IS not a good father. I wonder if I shouldn't just try to go my own way so I can have a family of my own?

I was seeing a therapist but recently became unemployed. I have no one to talk to except my husband and an understanding friend who has her own issues with her husband. She helps in terms of listening but I have nowhere to vent regularly. I want to tell my mom or aunt but I'm scared they won't understand. They think my husband is the nicest guy. And he can be...almost too nice. Or he's an @ss by what he doesn't do, if that makes sense?

Am I crazy?
Is this "normal"?
WTH should I do?
How can I take care of myself here? this is my first marriage...