Need Advice - My husband resents my son
Long story short, my 22 year old son who has lived with me and my husband (his stepfather) since we married almost 8 years ago moved out a few weeks ago. He has an apartment about 60 km's from us. First two weeks my son did not come home because he was settling into his new place. He came home this past weekend for a visit and to catch up with some of his friends. My husband was pretty cranky and distant the whole weekend. He was not happy that my son came home. He said I should have "consulted" him prior to his coming home and not just tell him. I told him I have an open door policy with my son and he said that suggests he (my husband) doesn't have a say in things. I pointed out that "consulting" him suggests I need to seek his permission for my son to come home which I don't agree with. I know 100% that if either one of my step kids moved out and announced to my husband that they were coming home for a visit he would not consult me. My husband does not like my son; I'm not sure why they never hit it off but he has never done anything to deserve my husband's treatment, which makes me very sad because I love my husband very much but it's putting a rift between us. Am I wrong giving my son an open door policy....I just can't see me saying to my son, just a sec, I'll check with your step dad to see if he's OK with you coming this weekend....I'm sure that would make my son feel great considering he's shared with me how upset it makes him knowing his step dad doesn't like him.
Some people don't care who
Some people don't care who comes over. When I was a kid my mothers siblings and spouses would stop by and come in without even knocking. Michigan 1940's. Today the same thing but people keep their doors locked so you have to knock.
Others practically want to send a written invitation out to you before you visit.
Me? I would tell the kid that step-father wants to know in advance when anyone visits so he should call you or him before arriving even if its from the nearby Mall. When he asks you say sure then immediately tell husband via phone or text: "Charly coming by at 3PM (or next Monday) is that OK?
If it isn't you can call Charly back and make other arrangements. It is your husbands home also.
I call ahead before visiting
I call ahead before visiting my parents.
Looking from your dhs
Looking from your dhs perspective, I assume the reason he was also miffed your ds came home for an entire weekend, was because he *just* moved out and perhaps after living with kids/adult skids for 8 years and several years after they reached maturity your dh was looking forward to couple time. Just saying.
While I can see the point of "he is my son and is welcome here whenever....", as my own mother is like this and is lovely to have such a caring parent, a simple "ds you are always welcome here but I need to check my calendar as not sure its doable...". NEVER EVER say you are checking with dh, as all you will do is throw him under the bus and cause massive frictiom between them, or increase the already fractuous relationship they have. You dont want to make that worse.
The thing is, your home is also dhs and you BOTH need to as a matter of courtesy just run things past one another. My dh always would say "its like asking permission..." which I found insulting. GUess what? MY feelings also mattered and dh would not like it if I made plans every damn weekend without talking to him. The difference is you are checking out whether you and dh have got plans and if its convenient for you both and you both need to respect that. I woudl have a chat to dh and find a compromise that works for you both and which you both abide by regarding your own children.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the comments. I agree to some extent with the comments that say I should talk to my DH about my son coming home but there has to be a happy medium. In the incident above I did tell my DH that my son was coming for the weekend...the only thing I didn't do was ask fo his permission and I have to honestly say that I will never seek out that permission. A little background info here; I have two step adult kids...both boys, one is 18.5 and the other is 20.5. Neither work, the older of the two has never worked at all and neither are currently in shcool. Both are doted on by my DH, he cleans their garbage out in their room, does their laundry, provides money for "smoking" and not the legal kind for the younger of the two and allows him to do it in the garage upwards of 4x a day. We don't do anything on weekends because he's too wrapped up in what his kids "might" be doing, he wants to be home so he can make them lunch, so if my son wants to come home for a weekend I am not going to tell him that he can't.
This is where all the
This is where all the resentment lies. I was told by my DH that he will raise his kids way, in other words you have no say. He does not consult me on anything about his kids which is why I feel I shouldn't seek his permission for my son to visit. Yes he is staying the whole weekend, there is a spare room. I think you may be right about the jealousy, my son has even said that to me. I also think he's jealous of how close my son and I are.
I don't think you're wrong to
I don't think you're wrong to let him come. My kids are always welcome at my house.
However, a heads up that that you son is coming is appropriate to avoid any embarrasing encounters. If your DH wants to leave and go do something else because your son is coming over, let him. It will make the visit easier on everyone.
thank you - I did give DH a
thank you - I did give DH a heads up which is why I was wondering if I was wrong about feeling the way I do.
>...moved out a few weeks
>...moved out a few weeks ago.<
> First two weeks my son did not come home because <
This is the part that struck me. Maybe I am mincing words here but your home is NOT your son's home anymore. He has left the nest.
After I divorced I moved back into my parent's home for a couple of months, but it was clear to me that this wasn't my "home" anymore. I was a house guest being given temporary room and board until I could get back on my feet. I am not saying your husband is right, but he definetly has issues that he needs to work on. I don't care for my SS either, but I don't resent him. If he moved out but wants to come back and visit, I would appreciate a head's up,...you know...Just to make sure there is enough bread and Nutella in the house because that is all that kid ever eats.
lol...funny on the nutella
lol...funny on the nutella and bread. I guess it all depends on how you grew up. My parents always had the door open no matter - that's not to say I felt as though I could move home but that I could always visit unannounced. I come from a big family and my DH only has his brother and mother and that's another long story in itself!! I just want my son to feel as though he's always welcome, even if it's to crash for the weekend so he can visit his friends...to some people that would be alright, to some not..I just happen to be stuck with the not...lol..
thanks for your insight and
thanks for your insight and support. When my son was 16 he was acting out in the typical teen fashion. Skipping school, taking mom for granted but he was a kid good. He didn't steal and was always home by 830p. I grounded him from his computer, his cell phone, going out, all the typical things parents do. Every step of the way I consulted my husband for advise - asking him do you think I'm being too harsh etc....every time he said no I'm being reasonable. I actually thought his support meant that was his parenting style too....skip two years later and my husbands son whose 16 moves in. He's sneaking out at night, he's stealing from us (we actually had to get a safe for our money), he's skipping, he's smoking pot in the house etc etc....not once did my husband ask for any advise and not once was my step son ever punished or grounded. He never lost his cell phone, was never grounded, nothing. So really I don't know what my husbands problem is with my kid. Once during counseling he actually said I like you son, just not when he's living with us.....seriously he said that. I have an appt with our counselor on Monday and I'm really interested in knowing what her thoughts are as this is really pushing me over the top with my husband.
"Heads up DH, the kid will be
"Heads up DH, the kid will be home for a visit on XX day." No asking for permission and this gives him notice.
If you and he are equity partners in your marriage and treat each other with respect this should be adequate for everyone to be prepared for the visit and for everyone to be comfortable.
We visit my family regularty and I make it a point to let my parents know when we will be visiting and I do ask if it is Okay for us to come. I do not ask both of my parents, I ask the one who answers the phone or reads the email. If that parent says yes then we go. I leave it to my parents to discuss what needs discussing in their home.
IMHO, your DH is not being particularly mature in his perpsective on needing to authorize your son's visit to YOUR home. Yes it is your husbands home too but ..... in this situation your son is visiting and that should be all he needs to know to support your decision.
I don't know... I mean I call
I don't know... I mean I call before I visit my parents to ask if it's okay or if they have anything else planned. If they do, I choose another day.
I do this with DH too. I ask him, just like he asks me, if it's okay for people to come over. We never spring it up on one another because what if there are plans that the other is not aware of. I think we have to remember although our kids are ours, they are not our spouses (unless it's bios together) and so they will always not be family and to be sensitive of that.
My mom always said, you're going to do what you're going to do anyway, and you're going to get your way in the end no matter what, so ask your husband (that poor sucker) for his permission so he feels like his feelings are valued. If he loves you, he won't ever say no. If you love him, give him that ignorance.
So even though I know I get my way in the end anyway, I always ask DH first. Life and relationships are funny like that. I've been saying it over and over: you may have a right to do something, that doesn't mean it's the best thing to do.
I also like to point out that just because we're husband and wife doesn't mean we're entitled to bypass formalities either. That's how people start feeling resentment, or taken advantage of. Just something to think about.
Could you go and visit your
Could you go and visit your son and stay with him?
Maybe you need to realise that he has his own 'home' now and your home is a soft place to fall. The sad thing is the soft place for your SSs is so freaking soft and deep they cannot find their way out of the fluffiness. I could not live with a man who allows his sons to become a burden on my life. Nor could I live with a man who allows illegal (in certain states) behaviour on your property.
The next time your son is coming into town lock up your valuables and tell DH that "DS is coming for the weekend. We will be at the Hilton downtown. See ya Sunday night!" And have quality time with your son without his SFs glares.
Yes, I think the more your son shows his independence and nest-leaving skills and the ability to do something with his life the more jealous and resentful he will become. Give him the time alone with his boys to make some decisions. Because all it will take is "No, I didn't pay for everything, DS paid for breakfast and dinner." The thought that you are having fun away from him will make him angry but he only has to look in the mirror. Just make it clear that as your son is not welcome in your home you WIL meet him elsewhere.
My kids are both adults and I
My kids are both adults and I would expect to ask my DH before they came for a visit as I would with any guest. Your DH is right on this one.
Kids are kids. Plus he just
Kids are kids. Plus he just moved out. It was his home for 8 years. I say he can come and go when he pleases. I would make him a key. Lol. I wouldn't want my son feeling like he can't access his mom. Ur his mom till Ur dead. Dhabi needs to deal. I also think the same for your skids. They should have the same rules. A call would be nice but children are not guests.