Not quite a SM but already disagreeing with BF
So I'll try to make this short. I have been dating a wonderful man for over a year now. We already know we will get married and there is no doubt about that. He has two children. Daughter who is 2 and son who is 6. . their mother gets them most of the time, and we get them one day a week and every other weekend. but summers are different...they switch roles. . and starting yesterday, we have them full time. My bf is not strict enough. I am a firm believer in spanking, and time out but my bf always stays so calm and never raises his voice. I love that he is great with the kids, but I feel as if he wants to be more their friend then their father. I feel he wants his house to be the "cool" place, and better than their BMs. Last night at dinner he calmly told the kids to sit down 10 or 15 times and never once raised their voice...and did they sit? Nope..this morning, he told his daughter to get her hair brushed, she told him no and that she wanted to play with the dog..he rolled over and just said "okay but then after, we're going to brush your hair." Him and i both know they can talk to their BM as they want. she is a very passive person lets them do whatever. At her house, they sleep in bed with her, so at our house, they come in 5 or 6 times in the middle of the night because they arent used to sleeping alone. I constantly tell my BF that i am fed up of being the "bad parent" and he needs to be more stern, but he takes it as if im judging his parenting. He says he has done this for 6 years, and i dont have children of my own . . so i take it as if im not good enough to put my opinion in. I dont know what to do anymore. i feel like they rule the house when they come over and I'm pushed to the side until they go back to their BM's house. How can i sit down with my bf and AGREE on rules and parenting? How can i tell him how i feel WITHOUT offending him and making him feel like I'm bossing him around.
Trust me I`ve been there. He
Trust me I`ve been there. He will not change. He will expect you to change and when you blow than he will start accusing you how you`re agressive and bringing tension into the house and how you should learn just to go with the flow and not to care about small things cos he wants the kids to be happy. It means you are the last on his priority list and I would never marry a man who doesn`t look at me as his nr.1. Leave the guy and save yourself from depression and frustration. It will not get better and you can`t change him cos like he said he was fine like that in the past 6years.
you are going to be the
you are going to be the strict one because he can't, bet BM was the tuff one before, get a good look...when you have your own it will be the same way. These man like yours and mine do not like to set boundries because then they can not change the rules mid stream, well shall I say the kids are noticed more when they change the rules. Does he feel guilt for the relationship with the mother not working out? untill he gets past that he can not be a boundry setting parent.
No there is no guilt
No there is no guilt whatsoever and actually she is not strict. she lets them walk all over her. they both were just very laid back. he says he was the strict one..and i dont find him strict AT ALL. . . so i cant imagine how it was in that home. . . i just feel like its a competition for the best house. .
Just sit down and tell him
Just sit down and tell him that he needs to discipline a little bit more because you don't want to be the "bad guy" in their eyes. Tell him that when the kids come home, you (as a team) will talk to them about house rules. For example:
1) They will pick up after themselves (especially the 6 year old of course)
2) They will not answer "No" when being told something.
3) They will NOT go to sleep with you and DH. Do they share a room? Is it possible that one of them is waking the other up to go to your room? If so, separate them, so you can work with the one that wakes up first.
Your BF needs to make sure that they go back to their room every single time, if it requires yelling, so be it.
Tell him that you don't need to have bio-children to know when kids are running wild and to want to have some sort of structure in your home.
In addition, watch out for these guilt-parenting pitfalls:
1)They need to have a set bedtime (9:00 P.M is what it is in my household and we have SD6 and BS2)
2)No special (kid-friendly) food needs to be cooked for them, unless you are planning on having caviar or samora...
If he doesn't agree with you, you have a BIG problem in your hands, you will be miserable trhoughout the summer and I see a lot of arguments arising from this.
Good luck, let us know how the convo went!