parenting a stepson 8
My ss8 barely gets disciplined by his father. SS8 is autistic (high functioning) and has no BM in his life. So, daddy is suffering from daddy guilt I guess over the autism and the fact that mom abandoned them when the kid was 2.
When me and FDH met, son had not yet been diagnosed with Autism at age 5. It was obvious to me (a schoolteacher) in about an hour of being around his kid that something was seriously developmentally wrong. Anyhow, so i've been involved in parenting this child for the past 3 years or so, getting him diagnosed, getting physical and occupational therapies in place, social skills groups, etc. All this came from me. Dad apparently had blinders on and saw nothing wrong with his sons autistic behaviors, anyhow I digress....
I have to step up and do a lot more parenting where this child is concerned. Dad gets lax about it and i'm the one who suffers. Kid has tantrums and HITS ME, HITS MY MOTHER, etc. Gets 'a talking to' from his father when he gets home from work. I don't think it's enough punishment because he still does it. I know that ss8 knows it's WRONG to hit me, I know he does......
Please advise what you can, thanks for letting me vent,
dledden
Hello Dledden, I am in the
Hello Dledden,
I am in the same boat as you except SS9 doesn't get physical anymore when he's angry. He was diagnosed with PDD (NOS) 3 years ago (about 6 months after I met him)...he hyper reacted when angry, threw marathon fits (ah la autistic screaming) & he had horrendous issues with coordination & speech. I could also see that he understood what was going on. He has been in OT, PT & play group.
To start with, have you asked any of his therapists for suggestions on how to stop this behavior? The one's that I worked with concerning SS9 told me to treat these outbursts like you would a fit...loudly exclaim "NO SIR! GO TO YOUR ROOM UNTIL YOU CAN BEHAVE NICELY!"...but then, I don't know how "functioning" your SS truly is, so...I don't know.
SS has been in boat loads of trouble due to his behavior. He understands that he MUST work on focusing at school & has recently chosen to let his "inner dialog" get the best of him, has not controlled his reactions towards others & has decided that he simply does not care about discipline & consequences for his behavior. Here at home, he has been lying & blatantly breaking rules, along with disrespecting his sister's privacy & personal space. UGH! It's tough because he simply DOES NOT CARE.
SO & I are at a loss because he doesn't care if he's grounded from the PS2 (his all time fave) or any other electronics...3 months ago it would have killed him, now however, it doesn't matter.
At present, he is sitting at the table writing 50 sentences...the sentences read "Rules are there for a reason; I will stop being selfish and will respect my sisters personal space and privacy." Next time he lies, he will write 55 sentences reading "Rules are there for a reason; I will stop being deceitful and know that lying only gets me into more trouble."...here's to hoping that he will just stop being a turd & will behave appropriately.
Sorry I don't have any specific suggestions that will "fix it" but I do know where you are coming from...& ugh! It's a pain in the butt!
ss8 has behavior problems at
ss8 has behavior problems at school too, he will tell the adults (teacher and his personal care aide) "NO" that he's not going to do whatever work it is, he has to take a lot of breaks, etc. I think he behaves like this on purpose so he doesn't have to do the damn work. I know he knows how to do it and I think due to his past behaviors (fits, autistic rage, etc). everyone walks on eggshells around him at school. When he is at home and has to do his work for his father, he sits quietly and does it. NO DEFIANCE......I, on the other hand, do not sweat him. He is physically weak due to severely delayed gross and fine motor skills. When he hits me, he really isn't able to hurt me...NOT YET is the point. If this behavior doesn't stop NOW, he's going to think it's ok to continue to do it and what happens when he's 16 and hits me. I'll tell u one thing, he won't be living in my house, that's for sure.
Problem is FDH doesn't discipline him for not doing his work and behaving poorly in school. He thinks it's just the autism and he can't help it. I think it's just that he's a little shit and has been able to behave any way he's wanted to his whole life that why should he be told now all of a sudden what he has to do?
DRIVES ME UTTERLY INSANE....
I'm with Outtahere...SS9 does
I'm with Outtahere...SS9 does VERY poorly when he is not following a regimented schedule. I have played with his schedule until I found one that works...he has to have exactly 11 hours of sleep & no more than 1 hour of electronics per day otherwise he ticks out. SO, bless him, thinks poor little SS needs the same free time allowances with bed time & electronics as he had as a child but quickly sees the change in his son as soon as his schedule is changed, at all.
I had teachers who had constant issues with his behavior (fits at school, lack of "understanding" or following rules, etc)...this stopped as soon as the teachers stopped excusing his behavior by thinking "oh poor little guy is just behind developmentally, we need to hold him back a grade."
I understand how frustrating it must be for you...your DH needs to step up & stop "excusing" your SS's behavior & start expecting more of him. If he is truly a "high functioning" autistic, he CAN & WILL do better if he knows everyone KNOWS & BELIEVES he can succeed in having acceptable behavior.
I have a SS7.. He is in
I have a SS7.. He is in speech therapy at school and they are saying that they are going to release him because there is nothing else that they can do. When ppl first meet him they have to ask us what he's saying.. hell DH has to ask me half the time what he's saying. But anyway my DH does the guilt crap too, he says "he's been through so much with the divorce I hate to bust his butt or ground him, he's only here for a week"... YEA then he's gone for ONE week and then he's back! It aint like he goes months or years... Might I add the divorce was 4 years ago!!! SS was held back in the 1st grade and the way it looks he is working on round 3 in 1st grade next year. I have said have him tested till I am blue in the face. He can't focus on his homework, we have to turn the TV, computer, stove, radio, shut doors, blinds and everything to try and keep him focused... he can't add 4+3 without almost crying and saying "I can't"... anyone else seen a kid act like that before?
SS9 was notorious for the "I
SS9 was notorious for the "I can't" crap...I got him all sorts of math aids, had him writing his spelling words extra (plus other spelling activities). SD8 was horrid with doing it too...problem was, everyone always gave the answers away, thus making it unnecessary for them to THINK or use their brains independently.
SD & I had a run in last year...I basically told her I know she isn't dumb, she's a smart child who is more than capable of doing her work. She doesn't do it with me anymore but certainly tries with SO.
I want to add that SD has NOTHING wrong with her, so her issue was laziness. SS had the focus issue...after having him diagnosed PDD, I was able to SHOW SO what needed to be done to get him FUNCTIONING...I told him that having a special needs child BY CHOICE is different than one that just wasn't worked with. I'm NOT okay with having SS live with us FOREVER simply because no one worked with him. He can function normally IF he works at it...
I find that the "I can't" comes from them not wanting to try or them being frustrated. If it's a focus issue, what I did for SS initially was give him "breaks" to where he did homework for 15 minutes & jumped on the trampoline for 5, then homework for 15 minutes & the trampoline for 5...the breaks got further apart until they were no longer needed but it certainly cleared his brain enough for him to focus when he needed to without too much headache on my part.
Lucky for me, I was newly unemployed & able to spend my afternoons doing this type of thing until both SKids are now straight A's & we only have issues with SS's "internal dialog".
Good luck to you!
The problem with autistic
The problem with autistic kids is that we know they *can* do something, but the whole challenge is finding what makes them *want* to do it. If an autistic kid can prove in 5 math problems that they know how to do it, they shouldn't have to do 20. When they see 20 problems, they give up. Also, fine motor skills are usually more laborious for these kids. Write for them if necessary. You don't realize how much longer ONE assignment can take than it does for a "normal" kid. These kids do. They have the brain to do the work. As long as their brain does the work, or CAN do the work, they shouldn't have more work, kwim? More energy should be focused on things that interest the child, because THEN they will be motivated. Or you have to find the child's currency. I worked with a child with Asperger's last year and was really frustrated with the lead resource teacher. The kid was a math genius. She would not allow the teacher to cut his assignments short because he COULD do the work. Yes, but it would take him 2-3 hours. What's the point?! The kid was threatening to kill himself and was miserable at school MOST of the time. On nice days I could take him outside and he would get a lot done there because it made him feel better. The lead teacher would've kept him locked up all day getting onto him to do his work...what a nightmare. You have to remember that these kids don't think like us!
Regarding focus...ALL kids need more omega-3 fats added to their diets. You can get this through fish oil, krill oil, flax seeds...it makes a huge difference. Not to mention, kids need more fats in general that are not trans fats. One of the best foods for kids is whole fat yogurt. I get mine raw from a local farm, but my kids like the flavored Yo Baby Organic whole fat yogurt. We are depriving our kids of essential fats and feeding them too much grains and sugar. NOT GOOD.