Sounds so familiar! We would all sit down to eat and SS wouldn't have even eaten all his food on his plate and he was already asking DH is HE could have what was on my DH's plate. Damn, that was one of the MANY things that annoy me.

Just wanted you to know you are not alone. I was single, never imagined the difficulties in being with a man with kids. I'm also very independent and self sufficient.

You have a guilty disney dad. I did not know what this was. i thought I was the problem and I was constantly questioning myself. Its not you, its the lack of parenting by both parents. Spoiling, lack of manners, coddling. I'm dealing now with an SD16 and SS13. I have learned how to keep my distance, with a lot of mistakes along the way. We've been together almost 5 years and now I am finally having one of my own.

The best advice I can give you is that the more you say the more he feels he needs to defend them. The more you push, the less he'll want to implement rules. I'm sorry for the bad news. Sometimes there are success stories. Then there those who are like me and realize you cannot change how dad is going to parent. You can control how you are treated and how much crap you are willing to take. I wish I had kept my distance from the beginning. Instead I eased into a parenting role, then realized no one wanted me in that role to begin with (despite their words). So, I've stopped.

I wish you luck and I hope you find being here supportive!

You are putting all the blame on the bm. Not fair. This dad is just as guilty and your glasses are just as rose colored when you look at him, as his are towards his kids. You're fooling yourself if you think this is all their mom's doing. He has his kids often enough to have made a difference in their behavior. Wake up.

Run.

I'm a mother of SS13, SD9, and BD8. I'm sorry to say that things will not get better but in fact continue the same path or worsen. I had rose colored glasses on in the beginning thinking that everything would work out and we would be this great "brady bunch" blended family. HA! Truth is skids are treated differently in our home as well as my in laws. BD will never measure up and isn't as "troubled" with having to deal with divorced parents-as said by MIL. Skids have wreaked havoc on my house for 6 years now and I am at my wits end with their antics. There is some truth to the saying "if you can't deal with it now, how will you cope for the rest of your life?". Be truthful with yourself.....Can you handle dealing with these issues and worse for the REST of YOUR LIFE? I'm not trying to be negative....Just realistic which is something I wish someone had talked to me about years ago

It seems significant that a 40-year-old man moved in with you, a 27-year-old woman. Why could he not house himself? Why did he allow himself to accept housing from you when it meant moving in his children (even on a part-time basis) into someone else's home base so early on in a relationship? That's kind of not self-respecting. I was in a similar situation (let divorced man move in with me due to lack of finance as the home and income all went to bm & skids) and bent over backwards to sacrifice everything of mine for the sake of my husband's children. A while later we had our own babies and guess what? BM vilified mine to her children, destroyed the relationship between them, but worse, DH applied the same sort of lackadaisical parenting and, when standing up for proper upbringing and discipline with my own, I became in danger of being portrayed not only by DH but by the SKs and even my own children as the bad guy! If you don't get out now, I would suggest the following: (1) discuss the housing situation and try and see if DH can set up on his own with a trial period of separate living whilst still in the relationship. That way he can have his SKs over and take full responsibility for them without relying on you for childcare (including apparently primary emotional care of his children, why are they asking for this from you a stranger, not him, their dad? significant!). You maintain your independence from their mess and the freedom to make true choice. If it then is to stay with him and come together ultimately as equals, fine. He has been tested and found positive. (2) if stuck together in your home, make clear that you have certain house rules about behaviour and cleanliness which must be respected. If as happened with me, this exposes an underlying problem which is that he actually does not want you to have the power to make rules for and discipline them but instead leave him with all the authority and you with all the work, then all the better you learn this now before it is too late to affect that imbalance. This imbalance can be very insidious and hard to perceive when in a loving relationship. You need to discuss parental rules together, after all you are now being expected to fulfil the role of a parent as you are providing a home for children. Don't just go with his unless he lives separately from you. You would not do that with your own child and if you go with his now you will be stuck with his always prevailing when it comes to your own child. (3) talk to friends who have divorced before having children, see what age they were. There appears to be a rule of thumb that big emotional changes happen in people's lives at the age of 29 and that's when a lot of childless breakups seem to happen. I wonder if before that age one may not yet be of an age to recognise one's true mate (unless very lucky). Your man is a lot older than you and appears to not be able to offer too much finance to the relationship, not that that's a negative necessarily but when you think that you want children of your own this is an issue; he has had the snip which is admirable in one way but in another it indicates that at a deep level he does not really want to continue fathering babies; and he is not emotionally responsible even though he is of an age to have shaped up. Are you sure you can't find someone more elgible? (4) I don't know how easy it is to reverse these snips and how long it takes to conceive afterwards, but ask yourself this: what if you spend a few years sorting this medical stuff all out only to find that you and he can't conceive when you're near 40 yourself? Is this a deal breaker? Could you bear these 2 skids being your only option of parenting? Or would it make you very bitter ultimately? And, bear in mind if there are procedures etc, the girls will get wind of it, the BM will get wind of it, and they will all have "ownership" of the situation and feed into DH's thoughts about it if not yours, with the potential that your very intimate personal experience gets railroaded and parasited on by others who have no claim to it.

I didn't read the whole thing...but I can say it was also around that time that I got involved in this mess. I too did very well for myself and then came into this mess. If you were my daughter, I would bribe you and buy anything you wanted just so you would leave this man alone and move on. There are WAY too many men who don't have baggage to deal with this mess at your age.

same with my 11 SD, I feel guilty for I don't feel the need to hug her ..or want to play with her. She seems to want to hug me at times..and although I like children I can't click with her. She tends to be a bit bossy and expects people to do what she likes so I refuse to give in most of the time. I do ask her to clean her room..i might help her at times.. wash her sheets but make her do her own bed ..but does it.

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I think what you are feeling is normal. You're an only child who never had to share, and as an adult you had your place to yourself. I had siblings, but I lived alone for about 99% of my adult life. My home was my sanctuary. It was very hard at first (still is at times)to have children in your house using your things, going through your cupboards, etc. It feels like a violation. You barely know these kids, so it's kind of the same as having neighbors come in and start rifling through your medicine cabinet. I think that's part of why the kids are driving you insane. The good thing is that they seem to really like you. If they didn't, they wouldn't want to sit by you and hang on you. The teeth/plaque thing is gross, but she's only 10! And if her mom doesn't care about looks, then it's probably not important to the little girl either. You said they like that you're into looks. If your talking about make-up or whatever, kind of steer the conversation towards hygiend and mention the teeth thing. Don't try to go overboard and nitpick at every little thing. If they like you, then your suggestions and corrections will go over MUCH better than if they hated you, and they're more likely to listen to you.

A lot of people on this web site are very negative. I joined because I needed advice on a few things. The older SD moved in w/ her mom full time because she didn't want to follow our rules, but the younger SD and I get along extremely well. My husband and I have an excellent relationship. Things do work out! You just have to decide if the love you have for your guy is worth it. I hope this post isn't too late to help you.

So...this man can't give you a child-yet you are expected to accomodate his children? You are still so young....are you sure you want this?

I would honestly recommend you leave while you still can and find a man who does not have all this baggage. I cannot really talk because I am 26 and married to a man with a kid, but what I can say is that if I had to do it all over again, I absolutely would NOT. It’s not worth it. Being a SM is a thankless, horrible job and this man can’t even give you kids of your own! What makes it even worse is that your FDH is a guilty daddy/Disney dad. My DH was the same way. We went to counseling before we got married and he has gotten better but he still has that instinct I think that kicks in when he doesn’t fully think about what he’s about to do (which of course with men happens frequently lol). Seriously, you are young, you own a home, you are successful in your career- you don’t need this.

She has two step twins.

My elder sister recently wed a man who has two children. She loves both the kids very affectionately. And they are facing no problem as all are living happily like family members because of the virtues and the mutual understandings. This would sum up all your behavior and the logic sot that concludes better life maintenance.