So update on the disengaging situation.
Not long ago both SD's had expressed to BM that they were afraid that I would 'hit' them. (After i had expressed to them that if they did not clean up after themselves I will no longer be taking them swimming untill I see an effort being made).
SD11 and SD9 came over on the weekend that just passed to visit. Everything was quite civil picking them up from BM's. They approached the car looking all guilty and like they had done something wrong.
DH proceeded to ignore them for the whole 1 hour drive and displayed dissatisfaction over this behaviour that happened 2 weeks ago. This has caused me so much stress and anxiety that I am now back on Valium to calm down. I suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome after years of physical abuse from my bio dad. To think that my SK's would think of me as physically abusive really sent me into a spiral of "self inadequacy" and i started to believe their reality - or should I say their MANIPULATION.
So... continued... DH sat them both down after a few hours of being home and explained in detail the result of their behaviour, the fact that they were playing BM against myself in order for their BM to 'do more' and vice verser. They both even admitted to the reason why they had expressed this. Also that if there was ANY concern about our household that he should be the parent they come to, to discuss any 'serious' situations so they are resolved in the appropriate manner. DH does see his daughters as doing no wrong most of the time but he is also big on maintaining the respect from his kids towards me. They both gave me a kiss and apologised for the behaviour.
My disengaging attitude towards them was quite hard for me, i must say i felt guilty most of the time and felt myself nearly giving in and showing them affection for them to know that they had been forgiven but i worked really hard to keep on disengaging.
As a result of my indifference my SD's were constantly at my side standing around waiting for me to give them comforting words, smile and physical affection. After i didnt reciprocate they would slowly walk off re-evaluating their actions further. Understanding that to disrespect me results in my affections being taken away. They did not mention 'BM does this... or BM does that... or "why arent you doing this... bla bla ... or doing that... " - IT WAS A RELIEF and i didnt feel like i had to commit to any standard.
The whole time i kept on expressing to DH that what i was doing was probably the best thing and that it would be lasting for a few weekends while they are with us - untill i see change and then i will slowly give them back HALF of what i have been doing for the last 3 years.
Its quite extreme - but i think this will teach them action/consequence knowledge. I know its not going to be perfect and that situations like this will probably arise again. But i know what to do now... a silly question being asked or comparisons being made... or manipulation - disengaging immediatly is the answer and to not allow myself to completely lose my mind while 'hard' stuff is happening.
So in other words it works and now SD's are doing everything they possibly can to win my affections back. I feel heaps more level headed about the situation and at the same time feel ABSOLUTLY blessed that SS13 has moved into our place and is contributing to the household, respecting DH and I, appreciative of the love and knowledge he recieves from us, a giver of love and affection and just a blessing all around. Ive been told he is this way because he is 'older' but i think its just because of his personality - he just isnt a wretched kid who thrives on hurting others... and feels secure with his relationship with his dad that he doesnt need to 'compete' with me or anyone else over the affection he needs.
My SD's arent evil, they are just constantly in the competition for DH to love them more - always to back them up - as who am i? Well DH has proved them wrong and I am so proud of him - It really has reinforced my trust and love - as i always thought - IF HIS KIDS HATE ME HE WILL LEAVE ME.

Well how wrong i was - now i dont have to keep on trying so hard and pretend to be martha stuart just to keep the affections of the ones i love - PHEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW no more pressure thanks.

I know long... but guys i think there is hope - but having said that Im in no fairy land - im still in reality - will always be on guard and not spend one moment alone with my SD's for a few years untill i can trust that they are not going to 'lie' about physical abuse because DH has witnessed my time with them.

Peace to all who have a heavy heart today... blessings