Unsure if I’m just being selfish or not...
My fiancé has a daughter from a previous marriage, he is paying more each month in support than our house payment. He recently just got hit up for more money to pay for his daughter's hair, $120 and he just leased a brand new vehicle for her. He never helps me buy clothing, Christmas, Birthday gifts, or pay for extracurriculars for our two children we share together. When I asked him if he had helped pay for her hair, he liras and said he only paid $40. I calmly sent him a message laying everything on the table, I often don't ask him to help because he pays so much in support, but I'm tired of spreading myself thing when he has more than enough money to continue to give it to them. I'm just a jumbled mess right now and I don't feel like I'm being selfish in asking him to stop giving extras for non necessities until his daughter can come around. She's 17 and refuses to come to our house.
He makes me feel like the bad guy...
He actually told his ex to get the insurance and then a week later she tried to back out. He did the car deal while I took our kids on a vacation he refused to go on. It's always his way or nothing. I have looked past so much, but I'm tired of my kids not being supported by him. It's heartbreaking and I'm sick about it.
I believe it's possible for
I believe it's possible for you to file for child support even though you are in a relationship with him. He's not paying even close to what the courts would order him to pay if you left him. Maybe he needs to be reminded of that.
He threatens me
He threatened to fight to take the kids. That's just something I don't want to put them through. They shouldn't be stuck in a situation just because he doesn't see what he is doing. It's not about the money, it's about him being appreciative, honest, and not the bank for his ex .
And how would he pay for
And how would he pay for their needs while they were with him given he can't even contribute to their needs now? If I were you, I'd start piling up proof of his lack of financial contribution,of how much he's shelling out to his ex, and how much yoiu are putting in to household expenses and bills. Document absolutely everything so that you can clearly show how little he cares for the kids he had with you in the event he decides to fight to take them. Even if he manages to get 50/50, he's going to get an electroshock when he realizes how much it actually costs to raise a kid.
I'm not sure he would even be
I'm not sure he would even be open to it now. He's so angry that I questioned him and feels attacked because I brought up the fact that he never has to help provide for them. I didn't say it to make him feel bad, I said it to try to get him to understand how used I feel by him. Just because I'm not a loser mom doesn't mean he can have less responsibilities to our kids.
Then maybe it's time you DID
Then maybe it's time you DID say something to make him feel bad. You don't even have to go beyond reality. Just point out that he isn't even a good provider for his kids - he's too busy pandering to his ex.
Good grief, he can't contribute to his children's upbringing but can spend an obscene amount on a hairdo for a teen?!
What's pathetic that even
What's pathetic that even with two kids, I would get less than his ex with the one kid. The support system is broken for the subsequent children.
It sounds like you would be
It sounds like you would be getting more than he gives you now, which is zero?
That's not necessarily true.
That's not necessarily true. Plus, he overpays her.
Honestly, he sounds like an all-around jerk to me. Doesn't want to help with his kids and threatens to take them away from you if you leave. That's abusive behavior.
For now... his daughter is 17
For now... his daughter is 17; when does she turn 18? At whatnage does CS cease in your state?
18 in March, but if she goes
18 in March, but if she goes to college it's 26 in our state... if she doesn't go then he can go back after she graduates HS.
26 ? Wow.
26 ?
Wow.
Why do you stay with him?
Why do you stay with him? Does he enhance your life and that of your children aside from his failure to provide?
He is stable, but not
He is stable, but not supportive. I love him, but he refuses to do anything he doesn't want to do. Both kids do competitive cheer and he doesn't even go to competitions because he hate it since it takes time away from him. He doesn't like that I help coach and he is left at home. If he doesn't like something, we shouldn't do it. He is "the man" and should be in charge. It's how his dad is and I've told him that we live a different life than his parents and should both equally make decisions.
Oh what utter crap. Maybe
Oh what utter crap. Maybe point out to him that in the archaic world that he dreams of living in, the "man" also brings home the bacon and ensures that his family is never in need. a "man" in those circumstances would be ashamed that his wife had to go out to work because he wasn't doing his job right.
Good grief, as if having a penis makes him the best choice for decision-making.
He is stable, but not
He is stable, but not supportive. I love him, but he refuses to do anything he doesn't want to do. Both kids do competitive cheer and he doesn't even go to competitions because he hate it since it takes time away from him. He doesn't like that I help coach and he is left at home. If he doesn't like something, we shouldn't do it. He is "the man" and should be in charge. It's how his dad is and I've told him that we live a different life than his parents and should both equally make decisions.
Sounds like he's the selfish
Sounds like he's the selfish one in this scenario.
If he wants to be "the man"
If he wants to be "the man" in the traditional head of household sense, then "the man" also is the primary provider and breadwinner. Can't have it both ways.
Although, it doesn't really sound like he does *nothing* to provide for your mutual children. Rather, that he's contributing towards their housing and food and basic needs, but won't pay for their extras -- although he shells out for his oldest daughter.
Does he consider competitive cheer and the type of clothing or gifts you buy them to be unreasonable luxuries? Not saying it's right or fair, but he likely feels more free to refuse to pay for things he doesn't agree with, since he's less afraid of losing you and your mutual children.
"H, there are two ways you
"H, there are two ways you can contribute to supporting your children: voluntarily while married to me, or through CS after we're divorced. I don't much care at this point which it is, but I will NOT continue to solely fund our mutual children and watch them have a poorer quality of life because you won't split your finances equitably amongst all of them."
Then prepare to divorce. Work with an attorney to get it all settled. If he doesn't want to make it work on his own, then force his hand.
ETA: Actually, I just saw that you're not married. Even easier. File now for CS since you two aren't married. If he won't willingly give up money to support his kids, then he can fight with the government and an attorney over it.
He actually told me to shop
He actually told me to shop at goodwill for our children's clothing, and questions every dollar spent on their personal items. I think what bothers me is that he is ok giving them less quality because they are there. I shop sales for the kids and our daughter is hitting the age where she would like to dress more like a teen and less like a kid and her clothing costs a bit more than it used to, but nothing outlandish. He thinks giving his daughter more financially will show her that he loves her, but he does t understand that it leaves me feeling like less of a person to him. I feel taken advantage of. He never holds her accountable and just tosses money to please her. Never does he say if you want something then come over and spend time with the family.
He and I split monthly bills,
He and I split monthly bills, we both work 45 hours a week, I cook and clean after work, I buy the kids clothing, pay for extras, pay school bills, pay for medical bills, shower the kids, get them ready for school each morning, organize and plan our weeks etc. it's super unbalanced and I'm so frustrated.
You are not just being used,
You are not just being used, you are being exploited. If I were you, I'd start looking for an affordable place for myself and my children and file for child support. Thee is no reason your wages should be supporting his daughter's whims... because that is what is happening. He's being a cheapskate at home so he can spend lavishly on his princess. Money that you are earning is going into mopping up what he refuses to pay.
Start looking out for your kids - just imagine how they feel when they see their father questioning every penny spent on them and yet throwing money at his other kid. Not great for the morale ...
Oh, if he isn't paying
Oh, if he isn't paying towards their school or medical bills - hell no. He is neglecting them financially.
OP, what do you love about
OP, what do you love about this guy? He's controlling and semi-abusive.
Sounds like he makes a great
Sounds like he makes a great ex-husband. Not so great of a husband. Make sure to take notes on how BM squeezes every dime out of him for future reference!
Sooo he's the "man of the
Sooo he's the "man of the house" but can't provide well enough to be the sole provider?! Ha! Just because he has a penis doesn't make him one because to me, it sounds like you're the man of the house. You guys split bills and you provide for the kids and you do everything with the kids.
Also, him being with you
Also, him being with you allows for him to contribute extra to your SD. If you left him and got CS for your 2 shared kids, he'd quickly see that you were just as much, if not more, of a provider than he was.
It appears you have gotten a
It appears you have gotten a lot of useful advice on here, yet you deflect it with excuses...maybe you aren't quiet as ready as you think with being fed up with the situation.
One day you will be ready and no amount of mantrums or threats will keep you from doing what is right for your children. Until then please keep reading on here and gathering your self confidence and self esteem.
I truly appreciate everything
I truly appreciate everything, I've been in a situation like this before, but it was easier to leave because he didn't even help provide a home. For me it's never been about money from anybody as I signed away CS rights in order to keep my daughter out of a rough household. It's truly about the lack of respect he has for what I do for our family and I wanted to see if I was being as selfish and immature as he is telling me I am. Thank you all for the advice and I do feel better about being upset about this.
Hold on - your oldest
Hold on - your oldest daughter isn't your fiancé's child? (But your second child is?)
That changes a lot.
He adopted her years ago, he
He adopted her years ago, he hated me talking to my ex about her and it caused so many issues and then my ex's sister had a drug problem. So when my ex was in a bind he signed his rights over to my fiancé.
When the mother has custody,
When the mother has custody, I didn't think it was possible for a father to sign away rights to anyone but the mother alone, or the mother along with her legal spouse. Did your fiancé *legally* adopt her?
Either way, it sounds like your fiancé adopted your daughter mainly to get your ex out of your lives, rather than to make her his own daughter. And that's sad.
Somebody had to adopt the
Somebody had to adopt the rights to her and take the responsibility for her other than me. It's the state's way of having somebody be financially responsible for a child if the custodial goes on government assistance. He did legally adopt her. Looking back it seems like a huge control move and it causes me crippling anxiety when I think about it. His daughter has hit and screamed at our daughter (she actually accidentally recorded the sound of this happening one day when she was recording our cat) he has never corrected this behavior and I'm terrified for her if he and I split. His daughter is down right nasty to mine and so jealous. There is a 7 year gap and she's still so jealous of her.
I'm hesitant to leave mostly
I'm hesitant to leave mostly for her because I've put her in a situation where he would have rights to her and I wouldn't be there to defend her when he gets onto her. She's always been the kid that takes the brunt of accountability from him. He holds her to a much higher standard than the other two, I know he loves her, but I just think he's less attached to her as she isn't his "seed" as he would say. Example, his daughter would literally sleep in our room on the floor at 12 YO our son still sleeps with us many nights at 6 YO but our daughter was given the boot out of our room at 3 YO.
Nope. Not no, but hell no.
Not one penny goes to SD beyond his CO's CS. Not.... one.... penny that is not COd. PERIOD!
Inform him that the Skid and BM gravy train ends now or he is out with a huge CS and continuing support bill for your young child.
His lies make him a write off so he needs clarity that one even little white lie gets him booted and on the hook with your claws in his backside for the rest of his life.
I would not tolerate this crap in a spouse under any circumstance.
Time to hand him 100% of the bills each month for him to pay directly including an amount that matches his CS to the Skid that goes into a separate account for the benefit of your joint children. Pay nothing.
See how he likes the life you have been living while he caters to his failed family toxic pelvic sputum.