New to being a parental figure! Need Advice

Forums:

Hi everyone!

I’m 26 and just recently made this account. Honestly, I felt a little weird signing up at first, but I’m really glad to be here. I’m looking for some guidance. Not about anything dramatic, just trying to get my footing.

I’m new to being a stepdad, and I’m so stoked to be a part of my girlfriend’s daughter’s life. The past few months have been amazing, and I care about them both deeply.

That said, I’ve always had a hard time saying no, and now that I’m stepping into more of a parental role, I’ve found myself feeling a little unsure. Her daughter has grown fond of me (which means the world), but she doesn’t really see me as a parent, and I get that, totally. I’ve only been around for a few months.

But that’s where my question comes in. Do you just kind of jump in with both feet when it comes to taking on that parental presence? Or is there a sign I should be looking out for. Something that tells me I’m in the clear to step up more fully?

The absolute last thing I want to do is overstep or cause discomfort for either of them. I love them with all my heart and just want to show up in the best, most respectful way I can.

Any advice for someone new to this? I’d really appreciate it.

Is the bio father involved?

It really is.

If the bio IS involved, is the bio mother pushing OP into the daddy role and push bio dad away?

If bio dad is NOT involved, is bio mom looking for a substitute father for her child?

Regardless of the answer, OP should proceed with caution. A few months into a relationship, many are still on their "best behavior" and don't truly know a person.

Sadly yes

He gets to see her every other weekend currently! My girlfriend doesn't want anything to do with him and her daughter doesn't seem to talk about him much unless shes prompted. What does this mean exactly?

Why sadly? Have you met him

Why sadly? Have you met him and witnessed his parenting style and treatment of his child or is your opinion based on what your gf says about him?

Does your gf say negative things about him in front of their daughter? If so, this could be the reason why the child doesn't talk much about him.

How long ago did they split up? Was it cordial or not?

There are MANY unknowns here. The father is involved in his daughter's life. You've been around a few months. Going slow is your best course.

Involvement with the dad

So I've never personally met the guy. My gf has told me many things about the way he treats her daughter. He doesn't seem involved at all and doesn't spend a whole lot of time with his kid. His family takes care of his daughter for him. I think its just sad to see someone kinda giving up on their own kid.

So you're hearing one side of

So you're hearing one side of the story.

EOWe (Every Other Weekend) custody is not unusual. Maybe he works on weekends. At least he's taking his daughter. His family members are her family, too. There are NCPs who rarely, if ever, exercise their right of visitation.

You've been together a very short time and you are still quite young. Take your time and don't rush into a stepfather role. Mom's bf is enough for now. Rushing can be a catalyst for resentment.

Just remember that your gf

Just remember that your gf has a biased view of the situation and that she is unlikely to tell you anything that will show her ex in a good light.

It isn't really fair to judge someone's parenting when you've never met them let alone observed them with their child.

How long were you with your gf before you met her daughter?

It could mean lots of things.

It could mean that she has learned that mom does not like hearing about him.. that mom has bad mouthed dad... or has acted upset when she hears about him... and so kids will learn to keep things to themselves.. to avoid being in the crossfire.

Unless your GF has reason to believe her EX is dangerous or unsafe with the girls.. there is no huge need to discuss in detail what happens at dads...a "did you have a nice weekend"? is fine.. and if the girl talks about dad.. not say anything negative about him.

It could also be that when she is with him... that maybe someone else is doing more with her.. or he just sits her in front of a screen.. like his mom watches her.. or he plays video games.. so she just hangs out doing nothing.. and there is not much to talk about.

Again.. barring concerns of abuse.. the fact that she may not be talkative about her dad... is not necessarily a sign you need to be acting like a father to her.

You're not the parent

You sound like a kind, well-meaning man but going into this, you need to realize you aren't really the parent. I'm 80 and speaking as a step-daughter, step-mother and mother. The best thing you can do, both for your gf and the daughter, is be a steady, kind, reliable man. Model the kind of relationship the child should see, Support your gf. Don't discipline, that's Mon's job.

You didn't say how old the girl is or whether her dad is in the picture. It may be that the child may resent her mom's attention being diverted, I did. My step-dad (actually my legal father since he adopted me cuz my dad was killed in WW2) was a good person but had no experience with children. We weren't really close but tension flared up whenever he tried to discipline me. I saw the same phenomena with my own kids and step kids so leave the discipline to the bio parent.

The other Steptalker will have good suggestions. The real bottom line is your relationship with your gf. Make sure you two have plenty of together time to nurture your relationship. Good luck!

Thank you for the amazing comment!

So to clear things up in this comment a little. Her daughter just turned 7 years old a couple months ago and the bio-dad gets to see her every other weekend. Ive always dreamed of being able to raise a kid. I had a lot of issues growing of with my step-dads, and I just want to do the best for the both of them. I dont want to overstep in anyway or make anyone feel uncomfortable. Thank you for sharing your story and experiences. I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and help me get my footing.

Bio dad

As difficult as it is for you, it's vital that you not be critical of bio dad, at least to the girl. My ex was an awful dad, actually a deadbeat dad, but the kids (now 59 and 60) had feelings for him. When the kids and I had to live with my parents, they overheard some of my parents' discussions and it affected their attitude to my parents permanently. Not fair but there it is.

Of course, you and your GF will most likely discuss bio dad. And, if he's harmful to the girl, thats another matter. In stepfamilies, the absent parent, finances, visitation, and custody are hot topics. Keep reading around here and youll see it all. Lol.

Good luck!

It's good that you are trying

It's good that you are trying to be aware of other peoples' feelings. But, the reality is with her that she has a father.. whether she talks about him or not... she may not necessarily need another man in that role. If you have an internal need or drive to be a father to a child.. as my DH's EX said.. "have your own kids'.. That is really the only way that you can fully step into that role. You may always be mom's BF/DH.. and never "dad" to that girl..or any child of a person you date. Not advocating rushing in and having a kid with someone you have only known a couple months. and.... not saying you can't be an impactful adult to this girl either.. just the role/title of "dad" is not necessarily a given.. or even should be.

Coming from a Stepmom who came into her SD's lives at 4 and 9 years old.. now over 20 years later.. both of them look up to me as someone who was supportive and gives great advice... but they still have a "mom" and "dad".. and I'm not in those roles.

Dad

Definitely right about that one. I think the feeling hit me when I was 20. I just knew that I wanted to raise a kid of my own at some point. With me being super new to this, I think I just got a little too excited. This is the first time I've ever been with someone with a child and its the absolute best. Ill take all of this in and form a new understanding for it all. I really do appreciate you being here to help me figure this out. Obviously not right this second, but I definitely want a kid of my own.

If you want a kid of your own

If you want a kid of your own, look closely at what kind of a parent your SO is. One good thing about her already having a kid is that you can get a preview of how she would be as a mother to your own children. Does she seem to genuinely like parenting or does she tend to want to "pawn off" her child to others? Does she encourage independence, set boundaries, and teach her child needed skills like self-control, manners, etc?, or does she tend to give in and pacify the child due to feeling tired or overwhelmed? Also, how does she relate to her ex? Is she overly friendly or "give in" too much or does she treat things like a business relationship? As in communicating needed info and being respectful, focusing on the child's needs as opposed to being emotional, worried about competing with biodad, or making sure everyone knows how "bad" he is? It's not only you who is "auditioning" for the parent role.

Only a few months into a

Only a few months into a relationship.. you really should not be leaning into a parental role. For a variety of reasons.. depending upon whether the father is involved or not.

If there is an involved father.. you shouldn't participate in mom's attempt to marginalize him in his daughter's life.

If there isn't.. you don't want to create some bond that could evaporate if you and the mom break up and make things even more difficult for this young girl.

I am assuming she IS fairly young given your age.. and assuming your GF is similar age.. or maybe a bit younger.. the girl would probably be 10 TOPS.. but I'm guessing much younger maybe under 5?

Here is what your role would be currently. Support the mother in being a parent. If she needs you to help so she can care for her child.. like doing the dishes so mom can put her to bed.. that kind of help. Don't put roadblocks to encourage her to not spend time with her child.. like constantly want to go away for couples weekends.. etc.. (unless dad is active parent with visitation and these weekends are on the "off" weekends). Just proceed with the understanding and acceptance that she has a child.. and a child is her number one obligation.. to raise.. to keep safe. Not saying the girl will always get priority or preference.. but a kid can't go out and make money to buy herself food.. she sees to her child's NEEDS before another adult's (you).

You also are in a "don't let the kid die" mode. You can step in and prevent the kid from being in danger or getting hurt.. mom leaves the room.. she starts climbing the bookcase.. you can stop her. But.. kid isn't doing homework or a chore mom told her to do? not your circus.. not on you to discipline or nag.. that is mom's role. If mom is present or proximate.. she is the parent.. if it comes to a point where you might be asked to watch the child if mom has to go out.. then you are in a caregiver role.. not parent... and you would not overstep by punishing etc.. that is for when the parent comes home.. you just keep the kid safe..at most she goes to her room for quiet time if she isn't behaving.

Other than that.. by all means.. play with her.. have fun outings with her and her mom.. enjoy watching a child learn about the world.. but remember that you are not the father.. at least not right now.. if dad is MIA and you marry at some point.. I guess you could go through adoption. but barring that.. I would always be mindful that she does have a parent.. and that pushing into that role is not necessarily in hers or your best interest. Also... you aren't financially responsible for mom or the girl either.. so be aware some women try to push that on non bio father men.. and that's not really your obligation to carry.

^^All of this.

Spot on, ESMOD!

I’m curious about

I’m curious about conversations you and your GF have had about this? Has she expressed that she expects you to step into more of a parenting role with her child? Is she leaving the child alone with you and allowing you to make parental decisions regardless of her style of parenting? Has there been discussions of what the child should be calling you, either by your first name or dad? Does she expect you to help financially support her child and have you agreed on the terms of those expectations? Playing house is all fun until reality sets in that you are now required to financially support a child that is not yours and you are not allowed to make any type of parental decisions.

Remember

You are not a parent. Legally you have no rights. If you take SD to the hospital, you will asked to leave and SD will be asked if you are abusing her . Even if SD is on your medical insurance . That as she grows up thing will change be prepared for getting hurt. Father daughter dance bio dad may want to play father..

Be careful.

That is my advise.

You are here

New to being a parental figure! Need Advice