New young childless stepmom! AH!
Hello, im 19 and I am a new step mommy to my boyfriends 2yo son. This gig is pretty much full time. I don't have any children of my own and this is all quite new to me so Im just looking for some advice, tips and support. I've been around kids my whole life but being 'in charge' majority of the time and trying to be a good role model, learning discipline that works, connecting, playing, teaching, basically the whole mom thing is a little foreign to me! Not to mention, this was kinda just dropped on my lap, 'Here have a two year old!'. I want to be like a good 'mom' but not be 'mom' beacuse its not my place to decide that, i beleive thats his descision later. This is pretty new to my boyfriend as well since he was not a part of the boys life before now. (CPS called us 
) If anyone has their opinions or experiences they would like to share with me feel free! I need all I can get here. thanks for reading!
Pretty much, yes. However he
Pretty much, yes. However he was removed from her due to unstable living conditions (she was living in a living room never had her own place) and had several CPS complaints for things like a terrible sunburn where the ER doctor had to call CPS on her and dirty living conditions and so on. CPS basically told my boyfriend, either take him or we will. My SO was not a part of his sons life because this mother had slept with other people so paternity needed to be established before responsibility was. Sounds like Maury, omgosh! My SO and I have our own place and have been together for almost 3 years. (we got together shortly after she became pregnant)
Does that help?
P.S. My SO does not have full custody. The case worker told the BM that If she got her own place and it was approved, she would be able to have her son back. For now though, we CAN NOT leagally take him back to his mother until she is compliant with CPS and is approved to have him back.
Okay, if you are insistent on
Okay, if you are insistent on remaining in this situation, which will periodically be pure hell for the rest of your life, you need to insist that your SO get full physical and legal custody NOW!!!!!
I am a full time non spawning step dad and have been since my SS-18 was 1yo. If you review this site you will find that there are far more NCP Sparents who are suffering manipulation and toxic and vitriolic crap from the blended family opposition than Sparents married to the CP.
I also recommend that you immediately recognize that you are a "real" mom and when the child is in your home, in your presence and in your care that you are mom.
Mom is not a genetic title; it is a title that is earned by providing for the best interests of the child and by daily commitment to that responsibility.
CPS already has taken your SS from his BM. Your SO needs to put the final nails in BMs coffin and get custody in order to protect his son from BM's proven inability to be an effective parent.
I will not tell you to run. I married my wife when she was an 18yo single teen mom. She had our son (my SS) when she was 16. Young people can build a life long quality marriage, have a good family experience and raise their children to be viable adults. My own parents were married at 19&17 and had me at 21&19. They will have their 49th anniversary this year.
If you and your SO have a great relationship I would not let even an evil ill-behaved kid and a vitriolic X ruin my relationship/marriage. The only thing I would recommend that you run from is if your SO is abusive, neglectful, takes advantage of you and if you are both not equity partners in all aspects of your relationship including raising and disciplining all of the children in your family including steps.
If the two of you are tight, committed and put your relationship first in all things then buckle up, hang on and enjoy the ride. It will be amazing. It has been for my wife and I.
Since you probably already did the math, I was 30 when I married my 18yo wife and became dad to my Skid. I believe that my being older and having my degree when we married certainly helped my wife and I as the foundation of our nearly 17yr marriage. We met in college. I was in the last semester of my 11yr plan and she was in her first semester out of HS.
I am assuming that your SO is approximately your age. Two young people struggle enough in making a life together without one of them having the burden of a CS obligation and a manipulative and vitriolic X. This is why I adamantly recommend that you and SO invest whatever it takes NOW to get custody of your SS and minimize the drama and burden on your relationship and family that BM represents and will otherwise have for the rest of your relationship.
Welcome to the community by the way. I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
Best regards,
Your comment about
Your comment about recognizing that i am his 'real' mom really got me there. I understaand what your saying and it sort of shifts my perspective to side that sort of makes everything make more sense. Does that make since? I like how realistic you put everything. I think hell could be a bit of an understatement later on. I'm mentally preparing myself for it to be... insanity?
We have custody papers, and its alot of paperwork. Its hard to read and make sense of it all, but we are getting it done. We thought about sitting down with a lawyer to get it all filled out correctly because we need to get it done ASAP.
I think that what you did is amazing. you don't see many people out there that have credentials going for young pregnant women infact I jmagine most of them running away and passing judgement. Props to you for that, seriously.
My Bf is 22, and neither of us have a good education but we are still young and planning to move back to the city and go back to school and make a good living for ourselves, and the boy. We want to get this custody matter finished first though! Thanks so much for your response!
You are welcome. I am glad
You are welcome.
I am glad to hear that you and SO are planning on expanding your educations. I finished my undergrad about 6mos before my wife and I married. She finished hers with a dual major 5yrs after we married, then I did my MBA, when I finished mine she did hers. That was the plan we had, we committed to make education a major focus in our marriage and in our family and we followed through. I did not finish my undergrad until I was 30 so do not get distracted by how old you or SO are when you finish. Just finish.
The hardest thing about getting a degree is filling out the application and getting started. Once you take that step the rest goes very quickly. At least in my experience. Finishing a degree takes a lot of effort most who have done it will tell you that it is not particularly difficult. It takes effort and commitment. Go to class, do your work, study and register each semester. You and SO doing it together can be a big help. Cooperate and graduate is a proven successful college strategy. Make friends while you are in school, form a study group and crank it out.
I think the same applies to the custody paperwork you are dealing with. However, timing is critical on the custody paperwork so please get it done pronto and get a lawyer if you feel you need to. Getting BM under control will remove a lot of drama from your lives and will keep her out of the way while you and SO go to school and make your family successful.
Good luck and best regards,
I can understand why you
I can understand why you would say that, for sure. I will assure you that I am not a typical 19 year old and my boyfriend is not a typical 22 year old. He works more than full time to support us and he has for more than a year in a packing and shipping dept. We have both been forced to grow up in alot of ways. People tell me im 19 going on 30. Im not proud to say that given that I would love to be young and free but really, thats not me. I am a little too aware of the world to be that way, and trust me I did have my time to be young and crazy... In fact i started out a bit younger than most people. Please, don't judge me, thats not what im asking for. I love my life and the person I am today, I am just going through some changes that I am unfamiliar with.
Maybe I if I wouldn't have listed my age, I would have gotten what I came here for!
EEEK! 19 and already a sm?Oh
EEEK! 19 and already a sm?Oh you poor dear girl!RUN honey RUN!Or just casually date this guy until you get a bit older and see what's really out there for you.
As far as the age goes, if
As far as the age goes, if you feel responsible enough then you probably are. I got married at 19 and divorced at 22 because I knew it wasn't for me. But I know people that were your age and are still together 10 years later so age doesn't really matter! I would say just give it time with your kinda new step son and you will know what to do. It will become life for you and then you can decide from that point. I don't have a young step kid but my BF's kids are only 8 and 10 years younger than me so I know all about the age thing.
Thank you. I sort of felt
Thank you. I sort of felt like it would get easier and make more sense as time went on. Its really stressful for me to realize that the things that I do now will effect him in life. I want to be good to him. I know thats basically what all parents want but its not like I can play off my experiences or knoweldge since this is brand new. I was hoping that maybe someone else had a simalar experience that would be able to relate to my situation. Maybe time is all I need
That would be hard to have stepkids so close in age, but I don't see it as a bad thing like other people may. I don't understand this age thing, its like people have some kind of morality about what a person should be doing or act like or whatever at Xyears old. Maybe people get those ideas from experience but guess what, we're all different and different things make us happy. Just because you see MOST people that age doing this or that or maybe it would be ideal for someone, say, my age to be in college and single but the ideal and reality are completley different.
I think some people feel it
I think some people feel it it easy to just leave people because it might get harder later. We all don't know how things will turn out for us so that is why I don't agree with the people that tell others to run. Every person's situation is different and people are different like you said. People get on me because my BF is 16 years older than me, like it should be easy for me to say "Okay our age difference might really start to show in 20 years so I think I am going to leave you now before all the heartache." Easier said then done! So take life as it comes and one day at a time. If you get to a point that you can't take it just trust your gut. That is how my last marriage ended, I knew I was done, trusted my gut and moved on with my life. Now I am 25 and taking everything extra slow in my relationship. We have been together for 3 years as well but no rushing here. And I know plenty of people that settled down at your age and they are happily married still, some people are made for that and you are probably one of them.
Thanks for your reply! I had
Thanks for your reply! I had a feeling it wouldn't be easy, in fact its not easy now, thats why I came to find this site.
I hate the RUN comments, I
I hate the RUN comments, I got them as well because I have ALOT of drama, but I think those come because they are trying to save us the heartbreak and hell they've been thru! I will admit when I first read your post I thought the same thing.
Do your best, follow your gut feelings and stay away from baby books lol. Remember you and your boyfriend are a team, stick together. Is there a chance of the BM getting her child back? I only ask because in time you and BF will get attached to this child and this child to you, and if BM wants him back you're most likely looking for a long hard road ahead of you.
HTH
Feel free to ask for help, I'm not sure if there is a way to private message here, since I've only been here a few weeks, but if there is you can message me.
JAG
I can understand that it
I can understand that it comes from experience and i do not disregard comments like those lightly. I just don't want to run right now! I like how my life is going right now. I won't read the baby books. lol. I was unsure of where i would stand coming ito all this but my Bf has made it clear that he feels like I should be as much of a parent to the boy as I feel comfortable with. Basically, I want to be the good example of a woman/mother especially with his BM not being a very good example. Thank you and if you want you can find me on facebook too
I thought about making a step moms group but they may already have one!
How long have you had him?
How long have you had him? And what are the chances of BM getting him back, I hate to see this little boy being torn away from a good home because of a crazy BM?
We have had him for about a
We have had him for about a month and a half. I highly doubt that she will be getting him back anytime soon, if at all. she is a pretty ignorant and neglectful person, and guess what? she's prego again! The cps worker wants us to get custody so that he wont go back and they can close the case. We are prepared for the possibility of her getting him back but I dont really see that happening. CPS wants her to get her own place and then they need to approve it but they are going to be very picky about it because of the situation. She's not so much crazy as she is... mentally behiend? Its like she just doesn't get it.
I appreciate your post, those
I appreciate your post, those are good things to reflect on and I think to KEEP reflecting on and come back to. I am prepared to be the ONLY mom, but thats not saying I am fearless. I am afraid of it, but I am also prepared to take this head on if I need to. He is pretty attatched to me already, and Ive kinda got the mommy vibe/instictits with him, It just feels like something is missing but albeit its that I am not his real mommy and thats just the way it is. You hit it right on the nail at the end there "Sounds to me like you are nervous, anxious and a little excited to be taking this leap." that is almost exactly it and it feels good to know someone gets that.
I am young too; 21 and my sd
I am young too; 21 and my sd is 7 (my H is 25), I've known sd since she was 3 and half but wasnt in her life much till she was almost 6 and we only get her EOWE. I definitely think its a good thing you guys are trying to get custody of SS, even though your bf wasnt in his life much before. He can make up for it now by being the best parent he can be to SS. Good luck and I agree with the other posters about being on the same page with things, especially what stayinsane said!
I just turned 25 and I have
I just turned 25 and I have ss-6, sd-7, ss-9 and ss-11. Before I met DH I was living in an apartment, driving a 2 door sports car, working until midnight, eating easy mac and doing laundry oh once a month. Now I live in a 3 story house, drive a minivan, stay at home, cook dinner for 6 every night and spend all weekend doing laundry. I love my stepchildren--think of them as my own in fact. we have full custody and BM is not allowed to see them. Hasn't seen them in 2 years when she walked out. I don't want to take the place of their mom because I'm not their mom but I am their mom--make sense? We talk about how they have 2 moms. I will never replace BM but I am still their mom since I take care of them, provide for them, etc etc etc. My sd-11 is angry bm left and takes it out on me--I hate you, You hate me, you aren't my mom etc. etc. etc. DH is great-he doesn't tolerate her treating me like that and I constantly remind her that I'm not taking the place of bm but I am a parent and also that I love her no matter what. It's tough but one of the most rewarding things I have ever done---stepparenting is not easy at all. especially when you are so young and didn't have time to prepare. I tell people that most people make a decision to have babies, try to get pregnant, wait 9 months and then still have several years before that child starts talking back and then they decide to have another! I had to decide pretty quickly because we didn't want to date if I couldn't handle being stepmom to be fair to the kids. BM already walked out on them they didn't need me to do the same. I'm rewarded in the little things occasionally from the kids--I love you, I drew this for you at school, thank you and from people around me who tell me that they can tell I love the kids or I'm an amazing women for taking them on. Most importantly though is DH who thanks me all the time for being there. No matter what though-it's going to be hard, I won't lie. But you and the dad need to work together and show an united front-that makes it easier. And, I commend you for committing to this at your age--I know it's tough. Good luck!
What you are doing is
What you are doing is courageous beyond words. You are providing to this child what someone else could not - your care and love! Guess what? You are the mother now! You will need a lot of support. Stay close to people that are positive in their outlook of your situation. You are doing the right thing! Good luck!
Wow! I wrote this so long
Wow! I wrote this so long ago. I was actually searching for more information on the whole experience
thank you all or the awesome feedback! UPDATE: we now have temporary custody and things couldn't be much easier! We asked the little guy one day if he wanted to call me mommy and he was very happy and excited about it. We were very careful and thought alot about it first and it has really just been better since. His BM has seen him 2 times since he has been with us and both occasions were initiated by her parents, not us nor her. She didn't even care to show at court. She also had her new daughter taken from her care for negligent reasons. I'm on my phone so this is kinda hard to write but i just thought id write a little update and take the time to thank you all!