Potential Step Mom - Mixed Emotions
This is my 1st post! I'm well aware that I am probably going to get some criticism over this topic & I will accept any positive criticism but please don't slam me ... read my whole story.
I have 2 daughters (10 & 7). Their father & I have been together for 11 years. When we met he did have any other children. We are not married but we do live together. We both work full time jobs. I provide 100% for our family ... I pay all the bills for our household minus his truck payment, cell phone bill & groceries (he pays those). He also hunts, fishes & spends all of his spare time with his friends not his family. For some odd reason I love him & have stayed with him all this time. It's been hard but I've pulled through.
OK ... yesterday he came home from work & said that he got a txt message from a girl that wanted to know was he her daddy? She is 14 years old & in a foster home. He said it could be possible that she is. He wants to have a DNA test to see & I understand that completely. We had an argument last night over this & he says I am being completely heartless & selfish. Maybe I am but I'm looking out for my 2 children who come 1st in my life.
My home is only big enough for us 4! I have raised our 2 children more or less on my own with only his presence in the home. I can't take on another child that is not mine, teenager @ that, & raise it for him as well. He doesn't understand this. I can't make him understand he needs to grow up. What am I suppose to do? Am I wrong? Hopefully there is somebody out there in my situation! I have 2 children of my own to worry about ... I can't take in a teenager & disrupted our whole family. I understand he wants to take care of what is his but my argument comes in that he doesn't help with the 2 that he has been wtih since birth ... how can he commit to raising one he hasn't been with for the first 14 years of her life?
Confused & Stressed! Please help!
Wow, tough spot. Does your
Wow, tough spot. Does your husband have any other information on this child? Like where is the mom? Why is the child in foster care? Etc. Your hubby should slow down and take one step at a time. Find out some info first, most importantly even if the child is his.
Then go from there. If the kid is in foster care, then there are people you can talk to in order to get more info on the situation. I would want to know what the child is like first before you go taking them into your own home. You are absolutely right, your own kids come first. Your family first. How did the kid get your husbands cell number? What 14 year old girl still uses the term "daddy", let alone for someone they do not even know? Be cautious!
^^^^^ I agree completely.
^^^^^ I agree completely. Most importantly with finding out if this in fact is his child, then take it from there. Be careful!
Thanks SillyGilly! I let him
Thanks SillyGilly! I let him know last night that I stood behind him 100% in doing what was right & finding out if this child is his or not. Whatever decision he made after that I would support him but I needed him to understand that this may come with him & her living under another roof.
Thanks 007Lostit! When we 1st
Thanks 007Lostit! When we 1st got together I had heard speculation that this child could be his & asked him about it. He told me no it was "known" that child belonged to another man. Now here she is! Her mother is T-R-A-S-H! She is in Protective Custody @ the moment b/c she is the key witness in a murder trial! From what I understand the child lived with her grandmother until she passed away back over the summer @ that time she went into foster care. He called me today & said that he had talked with the foster mom for a while today & she was going to talk with the social worker & see what they needed to do to get the DNA testing. He said that she told him that she was a really good kid but like I told him ... sometimes they will tell you anything to get them out of their house. My 1st question to him was how did she get his #? He said he didn't know. It's ugly to say but I'm praying with my fingers crossed this DNA comes back negative. I feel like this will just boggle the minds of my 2 girls already & I'm looking out for them. He doesn't see it like that.
Luv them all ... I'm not
Luv them all ... I'm not minimizing his role ... He has chosen this role! For 11 years I've tried to make him understand that having a family comes with responsibilities but I've never been successful in getting that through his head. Alot of this come with being spoiled & handed to by his mothere. He is there @ night to kiss them Good Night & in the morning when we all leave out for work/school aside from that BY HIS CHOICE ALONE he spends it with his hobbies & friends.
Foster mum would have some
Foster mum would have some benefit from lying if the girl was causing bedlam in her home. No money is worth that. Having said that I had a mother and father who were heroin addicts an abysive and genius gas lighting step father foster patents and boarding school all by 14 and apart from some now sorted social issues Amy bad taste in men( codependent), working on it, I turned out half function able. She may be his she may be worth the effort. Give her a chance. Daddy needs to be the hero for all his kids though. So demand a change towards his boys ( and you judge) when your happy hes grown up it may well be a great situation. I understand your fear. Try to put fear back in its box for now. Good luck
Wow. Okay...I read your whole
Wow. Okay...I read your whole posting and let me say this.
1. He needs to get a paternity test done. Whether it is positive or negative, you will know what needs to be done.
2. If he spends all of his free time with his friends, you don't have a spouse or SO,you have another child. If he's not willing to step up to the plate and be a father to your children, then he needs to go or you need to go. Apparently, he's made his decision on what is most important in his life. LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!
3. Do what is best for you and your children. Don't stick around with someone who doesn't stick around for you. Their well being is your first priority and apparently not his.
Good luck and hugs. Trust me, when you leave, he will either get his act straight or be paying child support. He has options...
Ummm, I think I would be
Ummm, I think I would be questioning this guy. He out of nowhere may have a child? He spends more time with friends then family? Something doesn't sound right. I agree with LadyG on this one.
I wish you the best!