Step Grandparenting and Money
Where do you stand on buying the grandkids and step grandkids their first car, if the parents can't afford it.
My stepgrandkids have an active father who said he would buy his kids their first car when they turned of age. I agreed to buy the first car for my two natural born grandkids when they turned of age, since their parents can't afford it.
That time has come and the oldest step granddaughter and the oldest grandson are 16 with drivers licenses. However, the ex (the step's dad) either now can't afford or won't buy his daughter her car since she got into quite a bit of trouble in school and into drugs. I offered to help some, about 25%, if it was a money issue.
I went ahead and bought my grandson a used car as I promised I am still able to help the 25% on the SGD's car but not the full amount. She's upset that she didn't get a car and I don't know when/if her dad is going to come up with the other 75%. My DIL thinks it's my job to buy the SGD's car and be equal between the kids since I'm in a better financial position than any of the parents.
How can we fix this? The stepkids do not live in the same house and cannot share the car.
Thanks!
The SD got into trouble at
The SD got into trouble at school and got into drugs. Her own father is imposing a consequence by not buying her a car. Why would you undermine that? I would pay nothing for the car. It's not your obligation and your DIL sounds overly entitled.
ETA: My skids are young and nowhere close to getting cars. I know my parents will want to buy a car for my bio, but although they treat my SDs very well and are generous with them, they're not planning on covering major expenses for them, like cars and college. (They've set up a college fund for DD). BM's family can afford to be generous with the SDs but mostly choose not to. BM's husband, the Golden Goose, makes a ton of money and will likely take care of cars. But if he doesn't, it's certainly not the step grandparent's job.
Now, if this SD has treated you as a true grandparent, is kind, thoughtful and respectful where you're concerned, you discover that the SD didn't get into trouble and that's just an excuse for her dad to worm out of buying the car he promised, AND you can EASILY afford a car, then maybe you want to consider it. Otherwise, no way.
This is why you keep a low profile
How does everyone know your personal business? You don't need to share what you do for bio grandkids - with step family. I agree with poster above - it sounds like the girl's father has a good reason to not buy her a car. I would do my best to back out of the situation and not get involved.
Dad decided he didn't want to
Dad decided he didn't want to buy his daughter a car. Whether it's because of her actions or a money issue doesn't matter. He isn't going to buy it. If GSD wants a car, she either gets it herself OR her mother can come up with a plan.
Why isn't DIL barking up her parents' financial tree? Or her ex-ILs? Seems like they'd be next in line.
This is just the nature of stepfamilies. Your SGD has two sets of parents and two sets of grandparents. Amongst those adults, they should be able to come up with something. But my guess is that Dad said no to a car since GSD got into trouble. I guarantee that I'd say no to a car if I were him (and I'd be a thousand kinds of pissed if my ex convinced their MIL/FIL to buy our child a car they didn't deserve).
Alllll of this.
Alllll of this.
she got into quite a bit of
There may be a very good reason bio dad is not buying the car. Buying a car for a kid into drugs would be off my table.
You are very generous to buy
You are very generous to buy your grandkids cars. And you are very generous to offer help with the stepgrand as well. At one point the girl's own father said "no car" due to her behavior. I think it would be wrong of you to disregard his decision, even if you had a loving grandparent/grandchild relationship. I would say the same thing if a parent of a biogrand made the same decision.
I think, though, no matter what, the conversation would be totally over when somebody told me it was my job to spend money on xyz. If your generous gift can't be acknowledged and accepted as offered, then the offer is off the table. End of discussion.
You are absolutely not
You are absolutely not obligated to buy your step grandkids anything. Your DIL (who has a lot of nerve) is just going to have to get over it.
I don't let anybody tell me what I should do for my SD or her kids. Nor, would I think that it were my in-laws job to do for my kids (if I had any).
Stay out of it. It is not your place.
The issue here is IMHO.... NOT! you buying or participating in buying the GSkid a car, the issue is her father is parenting and not rewarding her for her drug abuse, and historic crap. It is not your place to over ride her father's decision. If anything, tell her father and her that you will contribute to her college fund in the future, if she earns it, but will not undermine her father's great parenting choices.
Regardless of what your idiot failed parent of a DIL thinks about what your "duties" are towards her druggie daughter's lack of a car.
It is a good thing DIL does not have the resources to trump the BioDad's great parenting choices regarding his druggy academically underperforming daughter. Rewards are earned, they are not granted and for damned sure a druggie poor academically performing kid has no business with a car regardless of if her SBro has earned one.
Stay out of it. It is not your place, none of your business, and there is nothing to fix except maybe giving your idiot DIL clarity that her crappy parenting likely is responsible for her daughter's drug and academic problems and ..... not having a car.
just wait
I think the offer should stay on the table until the family decides it is time to get the car. At that point you can offer up the amount of money you want to contribute if you still do at that point. You don't need to be involved beyond your generous offer.