Hello all. I have been off this site for awhile. I had been getting my nerve up to file for divorce, was ready to do it and then I lost my traction. That was at the end of the summer. Now my spouse and I have been "working" on things and some things have gotten a bit better, including my spouse finally realizing that my SD has issues that need psychological/medical intervention. SD is currently going through testing now.
We are not sure if it is ADD, something emotional, depression, anxiety, cognitive or a combination of things. Here are some things about her and feel free to weigh in: SHE IS 12 by the way:

BAD HYGENE : Forgets to shower, use soap, wipe correctly, use deodorant on a regular basis. Wears dirty clothes out of the hamper or more realistically off the floor that she throws them on. She cares nothing about her appearance and oftentimes wears clothes that don't match or are inappropriate for the weather like shorts on a rainy day. She smells. Her hair is gross. Spouse finally had to take her to get it cut short which was fine to her because she kind of a tomboy. Has her period and forgets to take down her smelly sanitary napkins in the bathroom trash. Gross. Teeth are horrible and yellow.

CANT REMEMBER ANYTHING: She has only two chores. Can't remember to do either on her own. Loses school work and other things. Misses assignments. Completely disorganized. She does, however, remember how to play Minecraft and get together with her friends when they make plans.

LIES: That used to be worse but she still does it, especially when she says she is "going to clean" her room. That is sometimes a lie.

IMMATURE QUESTIONS/STATEMENTS: She will ask things like..."how does a straw work" or "do parents only get dressed up for Halloween if their children do". To have a conversation with her can be excruciating. She will tell these stories that never seem to have an ending and are disjointed. And boring. Very boring. She often tells the same story, usually about things that happened when she was little. She loves to talk about when she was little and ask my spouse questions. She rarely has anything intelligent or insightful to say. When asked direct questions along the lines of accountability she will say " I DON'T KNOW". That is her standard line now. Sometimes she just says things that are...well...there is no other way to put it....just stupid. And I hate to have to say it but it is true.

SHE ZONES OUT: Oftentimes she has this far away look. Stairs at a wall. Out of it. On one occasion I actually asked her if she was HIGH. Now she is a very young 12 year old and I know she doesn't smoke weed but she looks and acts like a stoner.

DOESN'T GET THINGS: Innuendo, metaphors,jokes. Cannot read between the lines at all.

Now what is interesting is that the school has tested her and she ranges from above average to average to below average depending on the subject. She has been given an IEP and we were told she has a visual processing disorder and suspected emotional component. That is just on a scholastic level. Now we have brought in the big guns with a big price tag: testing by a PSYCH.

I am very frustrated. I have been very frustrated since I met her. I have always been trying to get my spouse to notice what I have...that there was something not quite right. From age 7 she had issues that I noticed...things that were not age appropriate, babyish and for lack of a better word "not normal". I hate to use that but I will. Initially I thought that it was just behavioral and when they came to live with me I would set down rules and structure that my spouse never did. But it never worked. And part of the problem was my spouse who never backed me up and would actually UNDUE things that I put into place for the SD's benefit...good things...not mean or horrible things...to teach her and help her grow. I was labeled as the problem and not the SD who in my spouse's eyes was "perfect" and completely normal. It took a toll on our marriage to say the least but I know that the issue with the SD alone is not the only problem and may likely be subordinate to the bigger problem of my spouse's disrespect and dismissal of me. Nevertheless my SD is what we have always fought about.

I am actively participating in the SD testing process, even taking off work to take her to her appointments. Yet I feel that even we do get a diagnosis I may not want to continue this relationship. I just didn't sign up for this. A disrespectful and anything but adoring spouse and now I have a step kid with serious issues? Oh hell no.

Yet I feel guilty for thinking that to save myself I have to leave both of them and especially after a diagnosis.

If there is no diagnosis it will make it so much easier to end it because I will know that the SD has been playing both of us for years. I don't have the energy for that either.

If anybody has any advice I would love your comments please!

Thanks!