How do you "deal" with an Aspie kid who lies
Y'all will have to pardon the subject title, I'm just at the end of my rope with 16 y/o ss. He is exceptionally high functioning and overall does pretty well in school and in most social situations, but lies ALL. THE. TIME when it comes down to his own actions and 'fessing up to his dad when he tanks things. For example, he made a big scene at school in band in how he treated his group and got ratted out by his step sister (dealt with that situation separately) but told his dad he was only trying to talk over people so he could be heard. Turns out, he was being really nasty and rude to his fellow bandmates because they weren't doing what he wanted them to do and that came out the next day. No, I didn't crawl his butt, but I did tell him he really owed some folks an apology. Dad never addressed the truth and the kid got away with lying. Another incident was this morning where there was a miscommunication on timing and I was in the car driving down our street when he was trying to open the trunk door (he "missed the train", so to speak) while the car was in motion. After I pulled into another driveway two doors down to allow neighbors to get in, I told him that was unsafe and tried to explain why- I got a barrage of arguments as to why it was okay and that he was only trying to get inside the car. Ugh. Anyhow, the arguing kept on from his end even after I warned him he should stop or else he'd have to go back home until I finally just told him to go back home and his dad could take him to school. He told his dad he never tried to open the door and that I was apparently making a big deal of things that never happened. Dad wouldn't even hear me out. Kid still rode the bus, but the fact that he lied AGAIN just bothers me to no end. There are so many other examples of where he has lied when he has forgotten or didn't do homework, chores, said something that was not okay and so on...what do you do in these situations? There's a ton more, I just am utterly frustrated that he's not being held accountable for so much, yet he's capable of more.
My OSS has Asperger's as well
My OSS has Asperger's as well and lies about things. Both DH and BM try to use his Asperger's as an excuse for his behavior. It sounds to me that you are in a similar situation.
My Dear Dear DEAR friends
My Dear Dear DEAR friends young adult has Asperger's.
SHE/they does NOT put up with OR use his Asperger's as a get out of lying card. He is punished just like any other kid that lies.
How do you think he is ever going to become independent OR live in a group home if he is not taught over and over again of course DO NOT TELL LIES.
Side note: FYI there is a very strong chance IF your husband is NCP that he will pay life time child support. Get ready. This is the new growing trend.
I have a SS with ADHD who
I have a SS with ADHD who lies like that. I've read that sometimes kids with ADHD can lie to try to cover up for their disability (i.e. problems with memory or problems with impulsiveness), but sometimes I think my SS with ADHD is lying just to be a manipulative jerk.
The lies your SS is telling sound like typical, jerky kid lies aimed at pushing blame on someone else. Probably more of a personality thing than an Asperger's thing. For the first one, it sounds like his behavior of being rude could be do to Asperger's, but the lying about it not so much, unless he has not yet learned how to adjust his behavior in a social setting. The second one definitely sounds like a kid trying to push blame onto someone else for something he did wrong. Not knowing that you can't open the trunk while the car is moving would seem to have nothing to do with Asperger's.
HI, I have an ASPIE SS who is
HI,
I have an ASPIE SS who is THE most manipulative kid I've ever met! Sorry, had to get that off my chest - hard day today! These situations are VERY difficult. Sometimes the behavior is a conscious lie and sometimes it is actually the way they see it. I've come to know that ASPIE kids are both typcial teenagers and kids with perception/communication/emotion regulation problems.
I find I have to BREATHE alot. I've get to practice my anger management skills every day. I haven't gone off my rocker at him for a couple of months now, so that is success. I try to stay out of parenting him as much as I can. Of course, I find this extremely difficult, but the relationship won't survive me being involved in any other way. I think you would say I practice
HARM MINIMIZATION. So, no harm to him, no harm to me, and no harm to the relationship.
So, alot of things don't get attended to. I've found that I can't be directly involved. I have to be like a super spy, where I notice, but don't say things. I just have to live with the feelings of that and Bio M and SS have to live with the consequences.
And if I am really clever and not intervene, he eventually (and it might be a long time, but eventually) gets found out and his Bio M gets to go off her rocker at him and say all the things I've been vilified for. I love those moments :).... For example, SS had an injury that required physio. The physio gave him exercises to do - 20 mins x 3 times a day using good form. Having experience in this area I supervised the rehab and, of course, he was trying to do the least using the worst form. Of course, my constant feedback was not appreciated by bio M "He just can't get it right with you - what's your problem." So, I graciously bowed out of supporting the program. He was supposed to have recovered in 2 months if he did the assigned rehab. Twelve months down the track he has gone backwards (lost muscle) and the end is nowhere in sight. Bio Mum takes him to physio and gets this message - she goes NUTS at him and is now the dog of a supervisor
So, my experience is that you have to let time do the work for you and you have to let BIO do the parenting. Focus on the important things like your life, your sanity, and how you appear to others. Hope this helps.....
Check the PDA society site
I know I'm late to this thread but my SS is also HFA with ASD. I found the PDA society https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/ to be helpful providing information and explanations of the why.
I showed my partner this site and all the traits listed on the page described exactly how my SS is. The dad was really amazed to see the information when I showed him.
16 yo maybe a bit too old for those social stories. Sometimes ASD kids feel like "twisted truth" does not equal to "lies" and you kinda have to be very clear about what is acceptable to YOU. I also found that the "if you choose, you choose" structure to lay out the consequesse helps a lot (e.g. if you choose to argue, you choose to go to bed now"). I guess it gives them some sense of "control" (he gets to choose) but in reality it will give you control (you lay out the consequece that's acceptable to you).
Most importanlt of all, I hope your hubby is on the same page with you. You can't fight this alone